I did not want to do this. I didn’t want to hurt you. I know, you do not believe that. The truth screams more than we want to hear. The more we numb it, the more delusional we become.
The truth is I have been this girl one too many times, maybe about 6. It’s not you, it’s me. I am fun, I am his escape, but I am not his home.
I didn’t know about you and when I did… I pretended it didn’t matter, because I was too far deep. Or sometimes I did know and I still acted like it didn’t matter. I would use the excuse, “I am not the one in the relationship.”
“I am not the one hurting anyone”- but that was not true. I was hurting you and I didn’t care. It does take two to tango, so I am still at fault. What I want you to know is, this was never my intention. I never went out of my way to do this. I never pursued this. I may have asked for this subconsciously, but I never straight up tried to take anything from you.
I can’t begin to explain all the excuses I made up to redeem myself from this. “I never messaged him first.” “He kissed me.” I am guilty, because I responded. I let him kiss me. Not the first time though. The first time, I turned him down. I told him “This was a mistake and I was not worth it”. The first time, I was on your side. But this kept happening…. It was not just a mistake. It was not just because he was “drunk”.
We had a pull. We had a connection.
Although we both tried to deny it, it was always there. Even when I turned him down, it did not matter. We were already having an emotional affair.
I know this is hard to hear. It’s hard to say it, because nobody wins in this scenario. There is no happily ever after for any of us. I know you have been with him since forever and you do not deserve this.
I know you know him better. I know you love him more.
That’s why no matter what, I could never be with him. It’s not because, I am scared he will do what he did to you to me. It’s not because “Once a cheater always a cheater” or “If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you”. I do not believe in that. People are not defined by their mistakes.
It’s because… I will never compare to you.
You know how he likes his coffee. You know his family, you are his family. I will always be the girl that ruined his relationship. You will always be the good girlfriend and I will always be the mistress, no matter how much time has past. I would not even feel comfortable taking a photo with him, because I know that is disrespectful to you. I do not want to constantly feel like I am a replacement for you. I want to be my own person.
Please do not be jealous of me, there is nothing to be jealous of. I am always this girl for a reason. I am fun, I am his escape. I am the drug he becomes addicted to you. But you are the one he goes to, when he wants to get clean. He never gets serious with a girl like me. I am the midnight shot of whiskey, not the 6 am morning coffee. I am what he thinks he wants, but the truth is he has no idea what he wants and neither do I. But you do.
You always knew. He is safe with you.
This isn’t easy for me. I do not want to feel like a vice. As passionate as this may be, it isn’t real it’s just a fantasy.. Even though it feels so right, it is still wrong. I constantly just feel like I am a plot twist in your relationship. I am just a storyline, but I am not his story. I ask myself, I even ask him “if he is just bored in his relationship?”, because I feel like a prop in this play. I feel like a toy he uses to feel better, and when he is bored he can just throw it away.
I feel like his dirty little secret, his guilty pleasure, his conquest, his trophy, but I do not feel like I am his. I do not feel like he is mine.
The truth is he will always be yours and that will probably never change, but he does not love you anymore. I know that I have no right to say that, but if he still loved you the way you deserve to be loved, I wouldn’t be here. I would not be writing this letter. Your story is over.