It used to be enough. It used to be exciting. It used to be everything…until it just wasn’t anymore. I used to live for the adventure of us. Nothing else could come close to comparing. No one could understand it. Half the time we did not even understand. But we knew. We knew, we loved each other. We were crazy, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. It was a rush and it was worth it. You used to carry me on your back on the way home, screaming in the middle of the street “She’s worth it”. Until I wasn’t anymore.
But’s that’s the thing it wasn’t me… I blamed myself for a long time. I constantly wondered what I did to make him stop loving me.
I was stuck in a past that haunted me. Our memories were almost taunting. The smiles we had on our old photos, felt like they were laughing at me now. I constantly tried to recreate our past. Pathetically hoping you would remember, what it used to be like.
The truth is that “in love” feeling is not meant to last. Relationships have highs and lows. Peaks and valleys. You can’t live on a peak forever.
One day you have to come down. That come down will be hard. If the “in love” feeling is all you have, it won’t be enough.
It can take years of trying. You can fight it, and fight for each other all you want. The sad truth is just, because you are “in love” that does not mean they are the right partner for you. This may not sound as romantic as you would like it to. It isn’t always falling in love, or great love can conquer all. It isn’t always grand gestures and movie theatre endings.
Sometimes you don’t want fireworks. Sometimes you want boring. The perfect love just works. What one person has the other doesn’t. They feed off each other and help each other. This love may not always seem as “exciting” or “intoxicating” as the toxic on/off again love, but trust me this is the love you need.
Being “in love” is what you want, but it is not always what you need. You may think it is true love, because you fight for it. You may think it is real love. because you keep coming back to each other. You may think this is “it”, because he “gets you”. The truth is, it would be “it” by now. It would not be this hard. Real love is pain, but please do not confuse love with self-inflicted pain.
There is a limit on how much you can take for love. It’s difficult to know whether you are fighting for your relationship or you are just simply being taken advantage of. It’s hard to draw that line and no one can tell you when you have crossed it.
You can not make a “high” a home. A rush is not enough for it to be real. That “in love” feeling can slowly fade. You need something stable and real to fall back on.
There are moments when you just look at each other and “just know”. I used to think this was it. All that fighting, all that doubt instantly disappears.
This moment is an allusion. This moment keeps you here, when you should leave.
The perfect partner won’t give you doubt. They won’t drive you crazy with indecisiveness. The perfect partner will make you always feel like you are on top of the world with them, not on the edge. That craziness you once loved and craved will seem exhausting in comparison. You will soon question why you ever put yourself through that. Feeling safe will feel better than feeling out of your mind. Knowing is better than constantly guessing. This seems like settling, it isn’t.
Creating a stable relationship is not settling, it is healthy.
I know for a long time, you were manipulated. You did not know what love was. People always say, “if it is meant to be, they will come back to you”. This line has made women believe that on/off again relationships are “romantic”, when in reality they are just toxic. I am very contradicting, because I am one of those fools. I believe that real love can come back, but just be careful how many times you open that door. Each time you do, it means a little less and your story becomes less “romantic “and just more sad.