January Nelson

GEMINI: You’re trying to become more disciplined and stop procrastinating. 

When my husband and I meet people, strangers will ask him what he does for a living and ask me what my hobbies are or if we have kids.

Stop asking for blowjobs.

LEO: You’re getting plenty of time to think — about who you care about, about what your priorities are, about where you should be headed next. 

Think you know everything about your favorite artists? Well, think again! We have compiled the best list of music trivia questions and can’t wait to test your knowledge.

PISCES: They have a big mouth. They will tell their friends what you’ve done. It will get around.

She thought I killed her horse (it wasn’t actually her horse) with voodoo because I was jealous (it was a horse.)

TAURUS: You start spending more time with your friends because you don’t want to be alone.

My mother’s husband coming at me with a machete trying to kill me. I stumbled and fell, it’s not a silly horror movie trope, it happens. I still hear the sound of it hitting the floor inches away from my feet as I scrambled backwards. Did you know that machetes make sparks when they hit hard surfaces?

CAPRICORN: You need to practice empathy. 

GEMINI: Reading erotic novels 

You leave her hanging without a relationship label. 

Put on your thinking cap and transport your brain to those beloved science fairs.

SCORPIO: You start drinking and smoking more (and earlier in the day).

I’m the beginning of the end and the end of time and space. I am in everything and surround every place. What am I?

Are you a pinata? Because I’d need a blindfold to smash that.

Home Alone would be so out there if it started off with the kid protecting his house from the intruders using these slapstick methods only to wind up murdering them. But rather than call the cops, he panics and tries to hide the bodies before his family returns.

Refusal to admit they have done anything wrong. Never apologizing. Constantly positioning as the victim. Deluding themselves by twisting reality so they never have to honestly look at themselves.