January Nelson

Can sit in silence with you for hours at a time without feeling any pressure to talk. Ah, what a gift!

Eat, Pray, Love AKA The Basic Bitch Bible changed your life. One day, when you find yourself trapped in a loveless marriage to a rich man in Connecticut, you’re going to leave him to go find yourself through extensive prayer and pizza.

You can always live with yourself. That’s basic. That’s how you came into this world. What you can’t do is make love spring from thin air.

You hate every piece of clothing you own but you avoid going shopping because you can’t bring yourself to buy things in a bigger size.

Seriously, I hope he’s prepared to offer me workers’ comp because if he doesn’t come soon, I’m gonna have to take medical leave from penis-related activity.

They live in a different state and aren’t involved in the day-to-day of your life which makes things difficult. You begin to dread these catch up sessions because not only do they take forever but there’s this underlying tension you are both trying so hard to avoid. The more you try to pretend the friendship is the same, the more obvious it becomes that it’s changed.

Is that weird? I feel like your ex has all the information I need, all the spoilers, everything that would save me grief and time and pain.

Do I text you? Do I DM you? Do I tweet @ you? Do I DARE call you? You’ve called me a few times in the past and I remember feeling so shocked and delighted when I saw your name on the screen. I thought to myself, “This man has balls! He must really like me!”

Something shifted and all of a sudden there were no more potential + 1’s. It’s been two years now and I feel like I’m experiencing some kind of amnesia. I’m forgetting how I ever was with someone.

Some people aren’t good at doing sports or have trouble understanding how to do math. Maybe this is my weak spot. Maybe I just legitimately don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone.

Every relationship is a unique, special snowflake – until it dissolves. Then its contents are reduced to cliché-riddled proclamations and accusations. Breakups bring the crappy screenwriter out in all of us.

Otherwise, while partygoers are known to follow a BYOB rule or find a cheap bodega nearby if necessary, cheap apartment parties consume themselves, quickly expending available resources.