Epic First Masturbation Stories

Masturbation is one of those sex acts most people participate in regularly, but few discuss openly. Read these male and female masturbation stories from real guys and girls who got themselves off in the most epic manner possible. 

1. “One afternoon on my way home from school when I was 16, I was stuck behind a massive highway accident long enough to try masturbating (for the first time) with a vibrating caterpillar my brother got in a Happy Meal. I came literally right as the road cleared up. I continued to use the caterpillar whenever I was stuck in traffic before investing in a real vibrator (which, to be honest, didn’t do the job any better). I’m lovin’ it, am I right?!” — Adeena, 21

2. “I had my first orgasm when I was 7 in my jacuzzi in Hawaii and I thought I was dying.” — Maya, 19

3. “I was 11, and I was lying in my bed, experiencing a feeling that I would later learn to describe as ‘super horny,’ when I thought, ‘what if I made my hand like a vagina?’ I did, and it worked. Not only was I proud that I had figured the whole ‘masturbating’ thing out for myself — I was convinced that I had actually discovered it. You’re welcome, guys of the world! For some time, nothing came out when I did it, but once I started producing semen, my bed became a really foul place.” — Nico, 22

4. “I had my first orgasm with the help of an electric toothbrush while lying inappropriately close to my mom in a hotel bed. The toothbrush was a great call—if I’m keeping it real, I still use one in a pinch.” — Georgia, 21

5. “I had my first orgasm when I was in college thanks to poison ivy and a hot ass shower. That’s all I can tell you.” — Bailey, 24

6. “I was 6, and I was on vacation with my family in Jamaica. I was watching Aladdin 2 (I know I’m not alone when I say that I used to watch Aladdin like it was straight up porn), and during that scene where Jasmine has to seduce that bad guy, I started sweating, and my vagina started ferociously tingling. Happened every time I got to that scene. Fucking Jasmine.” — Whitney, 20

7. “I was 13, and in a bed adjacent to my sleeping grandma on a granddaughter/grandmother ancestry trip to Germany (lol). I was bored because she’d gone to sleep at 10 p.m. and I was jet lagged, so I decided to touch myself. I definitely panicked…felt like a WWII air raid. It was unsettlingly awesome.” — Jules, 24

8. “My first sexual awakening went down while watching Xtina’s ‘Dirrty’ music video when I was 13. I got so turned on by her assless chaps that I locked my bedroom door, and the rest is history. #ThankYouXtina.” — Liz, 26

9. “I was in 8th grade, and I was watching Maroon 5’s ‘She Will Be Loved’ music video at my grandma’s house. Thought it was basically porn—in retrospect, Adam Levine’s on-screen make out game is just tighter than most. Back then, though, a good, fully clothed make out scene was all I needed. So, I started poking around under the floral covers, and the moment I started to get somewhere, my grandma walked in. It was mildly scarring, but it didn’t stop me from *using* that music video for months to come (see what I did there?).” — Shelly, 21

10. “I’ve masturbated twice in my life. The first time I was 8 and in the backseat of my dad’s car. He was driving and my grandmother was riding shotgun. I sat on the heel of my foot, and it felt good. I continued to rub my heel against my crotch. Then I repositioned my legs by sitting in a normal car riding position and played with my vagina with my hand. I remember my dad looking in the rearview mirror and asking ‘Hillary, are you playing with yourself?’ I said ‘no’ and didn’t try masturbating again until college.” — Hillary, 26

11. “Basically, Jacob Marber from Hebrew school once told me that he’d gotten a hand job from a girl he met on an airplane. So, naturally, the next time I was on a plane with my parents, I thought about Jacob, and my ‘pee pee’ immediately shot up. Also, naturally, I was sitting in the middle seat. So, NATURALLY—sandwiched between my parents and covered only by an Alaska Airlines’ shitty excuse for a blanket—I rubbed one out, came into the ‘blanket,’ bunched it up, and stowed in the overhead bin. Very respectful. All of this most likely happened in economy seat 18.” — Seth, 23

Real Women Explain How To Masturbate Your Way To Mind-Blowing Pleasure

Since vaginas are a bit more complicated than penises, female masturbation is much less straightforward than its male counterpart. Mastering female masturbation is an art form, really. Below are some tips from various women on how to tackle solo sex most effectively.

1. “I’ve been known to fuck a vegetable. Give me a cucumber or a carrot with the right girth and I’m the happiest girl on the planet. I just thrust it in and out, again and again—slower to start and than fast, like Thumper the bunny. I get wetter and wetter until I cum.” — Jasminka, 34

2. “Every woman needs to own a detachable shower head. There’s nothing like the sensation of running water right up against your vagina. Just hold it down there, moving it around so the pressure of the stream hits you in different spots. You’ll find yourself squirming like a mad woman in no time. I realized this the first time I went in a jacuzzi and the jet stream turned me on. Been devoted to long, leisurely orgasm baths ever since.” — Eveline, 33

3. “Lube is an absolute must. Either spit on your finger or buy some water based sex lube and apply a little before sending your fingers south of the border. You’ll slip right into the good spots if you rub yourself for long enough. I like to lie back against a big fluffy cushion and lube my nipples up with my left hand so they get nice and hard while I use the right to fiddle with my clit.” — Carla, 23

4. “You have to figure out your own body, and that can take time because vaginas are a lot harder to unravel than dicks. I fingered myself every night for three months straight when I was 14 until I finally got myself off and I was soooooo overwhelmingly satisfied when it finally happened. I learned that I personally need a combination of clitoral stimulation and internal finger fucking. Now that I know the magic formula, there’s an orgasm literally at my fingertips whenever I want it!” — Franny, 18

5. “Figure-eights around the clitoris do it for me. Every. Single. Time. I never even bother sticking my fingers inside my vagina because I don’t need to. Clit stim does it for me.” — Meg, 25

6. “I felt stupid the first time I moaned while masturbating—until I realized just how powerful vocalizing stuff can be. I’ll say things like, ‘Yeah, baby. Fuck me like that’ in between moaning and rubbing my crotch and I always get there within five minutes without fail.” — Bella, 30

7. “I’m a certified pillow humper. I basically act like I’m having sex with a guy as I rub my entire body up against my pillows in bed. I’ll touch myself between my thighs but it’s really the humping and getting the crease of the pillow to rub me the right way that gets me aroused. I swear it can be better to dry hump a pillow than an actual guy sometimes.” — DJ, 31

8. “The day my parents insisted I start using an electric toothbrush in high school, I saw the potential of that little gizmo right away. OMG it’s such a useful tool—better than any vibrator I’ve ever used to masturbate. I’ll hold it up against my vagina through my underwear on ‘sensitive’ mode, and then I’ll play around with the different settings, switching from ‘gum care’ and eventually working my way up to ‘deep clean.’ It’s the perfect fake penis.” — Lucy Jane, 22

9. “I’m imaginative, so for me it’s important to craft the right story. I’ll put on some sexy lingerie and start thinking of a scenario. Maybe it’s me, super fit, running into my ex and his new girlfriend and I use my sensual powers to seduce him away from her. Or I’m leaning up against my boss’ desk, letting him fuck me from behind as he goes through the agenda of our morning meeting and all our colleagues watch as it rains rose petals. I like to get creative and weird because the story gets me hot. The better the fantasy, the better the orgasm form my experience. Oh, and if you ever need inspo, watching porn def helps.” — Tonya, 23

10. “I’m big on the sitting position. The angle I can massage my vagina from when I’m seated drives me crazy. So I’ll sit on my couch or bed or even the toilet and touch myself alternating hands until I climax. I do a lot of concentric circles around my clit and I pivot my hips back and forth a lot too.” — Sally, 35

11. “I’m a nipple pincher. Don’t underestimate the power of other body parts when you’re masturbating. I like to lie down and run my hands up and down my body and massage my breasts and feel myself up. Then, once I’m warmed up a little, I move onto the pink parts. I attack my nipples and vagina until I’m screaming with orgasmic pleasure.” — Quinn, 26

12. “Once you find the right vibrator, it’s so easy to get yourself off. I’m partial to small, egg-shaped ones that vibrate on a few different settings. I’ll start out on the soft hum and work my way up to the highest level. Sometimes I stick the little egg inside my vag and rub my clit and it works like a charm. You just have to keep your underwear on so it doesn’t pop out all the time.” — Ava, 24

100 Guys On Reddit Confess Their Most Embarrassing Masturbation Experience

As far as sex acts go, masturbating seems relatively innocent. But it can also be the root of some funny mishaps and other hilarious scenarios. After all, people will sometimes go to great lengths to get themselves off, whether that means humping a box of pancake mix or jerking off to a photo of a girl with no arms. These male masturbation stories will make you laugh out loud.

1. “The Diary of Anne Frank. I mean, I obviously didn’t masturbate to all the Holocaust stuff. But it was the diary of a girl, my age (at the time), who was in the process of discovering herself, both sexually and romantically. She also includes some very detailed descriptions of her body. For a horny middle-schooler, it was a reasonable thing to fap to.” — nerdcomplex42

2. “Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle.” — ZombieChrist

3. “Aunt Jemima pancake box.” — mvpmets00

4. “Am a straight guy. 12-year-old me fapped to the ‘MMMBop’ music video. Thought Taylor Hanson was a girl. Not proud of myself once I found out.” — hey0oo

5. “The one with the picture of a girl with no legs below the knees and one arm.” — BKMurder101

6. “The first time I ever ejaculated I was rubbing it on a cat that was in heat. God, I hated myself so much.” — vocabularian

7. “In a Port-A-Potty full of stinking shit, in the middle of a freaking hot desert in Iraq…multiple times…Desperate times, right?” — Spillomanen

8. “My very first…when I was eighteen. Up until then I’d been super Christian and thought it was unclean and sinful, to the point where I got to hating myself for feeling all these sexual tensions. One night I just couldn’t take it anymore (there were lots of nights lying awake thinking about it), so I went ahead and masturbated. The ‘least proud’ part of the story comes in because I didn’t know how to do it… so I had to look it up online. I literally went to Wikipedia to figure out how guys masturbated. That’s just how ill-informed I was (I honestly thought masturbation was something only a handful of perverts did). It was months before I even tried it again. Since then, I’ve grown much more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, although I think all those years of repression screwed a few things up for me.” — CaptainCyoomin

9.  “Sears Catalog granny panty section… I mean a couple of them looked okay.” — _Mr-Skeltal_

10. “Fapped in a mosque before prayers. Not my proudest moment as a Muslim.” — BrutalMetalhead666

11. “My least proud fap was in a bush outside and a lady rode past on a horse, and I nutted at the idea of the horse trampling her to death. Morbid 18-year-old.” — LaimMcKenzie

12. “The execution of Saddam Hussein.” — RabSimpson

13. “Once I was spending the night at my grandma’s house, and I was zooted out from Xanax. wanted to fap but decided I also wanted a banana up my ass while doing it. well, the bananas in the kitchen were overly ripe, and in the absence of lube, I choose olive oil. went through three bananas, spilled half the olive oil bottle onto the shag carpet, put all the evidence into a grocery bag, and left the next morning without taking the bag with me (by accident). nothing was ever spoken of it.” — Driving-You-Crazy

14. “I never get any private messages from hot babes looking for a 32-year-old unemployed man so sometimes I pretend people like me and fap to the thought of it.” — yaosio

15. “When I was on deployment in the Navy I had to stand a one hour lookout watch on the very tail end of the ship looking at the water in case someone fell overboard. Due to watch bill rotations, you stand this watch at all different times of day. On the really late/really early in the morning watches, I would fap on watch. I have nutted in the Atlantic Ocean, Mediterranean Sea, Red Sea, Persian Gulf and Indian Ocean.” — red_rye

16. “This happened some ten years ago. It was winter and I had just discovered fapping and needless to say I instantly became a great fap fan. So I was walking down a street at night bordered by houses and I got this idea of fapping while walking. It was winter so I was wearing a jacket. I snuck my right hand in leaving the jacket sleeve empty. At first I was really conscious, making sure nobody noticed. But as I began to advance to the crescendo my hand movement became more and more less subtle and almost stopped walking by the time I finished. I took out my hand put it back in the jacket and began to walk and that’s when I noticed a woman in a balcony had been watching me. She shook her head and went back in. I quietly walked away.” — liquidus08

17. “I work in a hospital and had to do a sort of self-defense course. Being one of the only sizeable people in the room, they asked if I would play the attacker role. I got to roleplay choking 20 cute nurses and jerked one out to it later that shift.”
— AnAbundanceOfCatPics

18. “I tore a ligament in my dominant wrist but I don’t have enough experience to be using my other hand to masturbate so…pushed my recovery date back two weeks. Was worth it.”
— Byrnesy33

19. “When I was like 12, I got caught by my dad on a camping trip. We were sharing a tent.

That’s the worst one. When I was a tween I was addicted to whacking it. I’d be constantly on the lookout for an opportunity to sneak one off. 12 was a weird time.

Now I look back on that and I find it to be really humorous but for years it hung on my shoulders as my most cringe worthy experience.”
— badgers_can_be_gay

20. “These are nothing. I’m old (57). So back in the 70s there was no easy access to porn. So you’ll probably cringe when you see where this is going…. trust me, I’m full of shame and guilt still as I write this 40 years later….

My dad had a safe in his bedroom. I shoulder surfed him one day and proudly rattled off what the combo was. He freaked out like I never saw him freak before. Held me down and made me swear I had never been in that safe before. Well, I hadn’t so I didn’t lie and told him I didn’t.

Well, of course the 14-year-old me was curious and it drove me nuts wondering what was in there. So months and months of torturing myself I finally got up the nerve and I opened the safe and looked. Tucked in behind all of his coin collections was a small photo album filled with Polaroid photos of my Mom in the 50s, right after they got married, before she had me — naked.

My God was she fucking hot. And me having never seen a naked chick before, my dick went into full on nuclear meltdown mode.

So I jacked it to her — again, and again, and again. And I knew it was wrong. Very wrong. And whenever I saw my mother I felt this horrible guilt, let alone the horror of being aroused by your own mother.

Finally the neighbor next door was kind enough to throw away his collection of Playboys (or his wife did) and I found them, so I was able to stop going into that safe, thankfully. But to this day I still feel a horrible guilt and feel fucked up about it.” — SomewhatAnon

21. “Got a vasectomy about 6 months ago. Finally time to get tested to see if I was shooting blanks or not. When I left the doctor’s office after the vasectomy, they told me to call ahead to the lab of my choice to make sure they could run the test, because the sample is time sensitive.

I called around to several labs, none answered. I knew they were open, and there was one that is close to home, so I just drove up there. Lady says they can do the test, and says do you have your sample for the test. I did not, since I wasn’t sure if they could do the test or not. So I said, no I will come back with it. Now I have two choices, beat off in their small bathroom in the waiting room with her literally on the other side of the door, or go back home. I decide to go back home.

So I get home and my wife asks why I’m home, and I tell her. The kids were being especially bad that day. I’m in the bathroom trying to rub one out while she is yelling at the kids, and the kids are hitting each other, etc. Could barely get it done but somehow I did. Didn’t enjoy it at all.” — twobadkidsin412

22. “My ex was hot, her mom was hotter, and wore skimpier swimsuits. Girlfriend caught me scoping her mom’s thong-clad backside while ineffectually hiding a boner. Argument ensued, smoothed things over, then went to bathroom to knock one out. Teenage me was ashamed, 40-year-old me gets it.” — Soopercow

23. “Skipped school fapped in a graveyard, fapped behind the cash register at my old job when it was quiet, fapped off a bridge on New Year’s Eve, fapped in the middle of a vineyard. pretty much fapped everywhere.” — caphello

24. “I was 11, first fap ever. Thought farting would be a turn-on. I ended up shitting myself and walking with a poo-ey ass to the bathroom and didn’t jack off for 2 years after that.” — AwesomeDiamond

25. “Against the handle of a vibrating lawn mower, while I was actively mowing the lawn. I was about 13 and came in my pants. Quite messy.” — fascinatedone

26. “I live in the inner city and as I was fapping, a gun fight broke out. I still continued even as I thought about the people getting killed…” — Trollassbitch

27. “I beat it to this wooden African tribal sculpture of a topless village girl when I was about 12-13 which my mom kept in our living room. Another top contender would be me jerking off to a nude plastic doll (one of those cheap Barbie knockoffs) by shoving it down my pants and moving it up and down along my pubescent dick. Definitely some of the worst/lowest moments in my fapping history but I turned out surprisingly non weird with regards to any sexual fetishes so I suppose it wasn’t too bad.” — the_kid_from_limbo

28. “I paid a girl to record herself talking shit about me. I gave her a list of my insecurities and everything. Damn it’s painful to watch at any ordinary time but when I’m horny, it’s such a turn on.” — Deadlycalculator

29. “I was about 13yo and got the brilliant idea of quick fap while I was in the bathroom. This was before smartphones so I had to go old school and imagine stuff in my head. While I’m going at it the door suddenly opened up and there’s my father…18 years later and it’s still not one of my proudest moment.” — freakinGurka

30. “To this video, and porn star Amber Rayne had just died that day and all the comments were saying RIP. I finished, then googled to see if it was real and the shame sank in that I willingly kept going even.” — adamv123321

31. “I fapped to Kari Byron crying while being subjected to Chinese water torture on Mythbusters.” — TheVegetaMonologues

32. “Sigh…It was at a music festival which took place in the woods. I took half a pill of ecstasy and took the other half about 15 minutes later because I didn’t feel anything. Huge mistake. The next 3-4 hours or so I can’t recall at all. Next thing I know is me slowly ‘waking up’ from my trip, laying on my back in the woods next to the dance floor. Around me, a group of people were laughing and pointing at me. It took me quite a few seconds to realize, I was still stroking my flaccid dick like a madman. That was the last time I took ecstasy.” — marekmorello

33. “I used my mum’s phone to watch porn (already shameful) and while I was climaxing my grandmother called, so I ended up jizzing to a pic of my gram gram.” — PM_ME_SHACO_RULE_34

34. “I was going through old family videos when I was about 16. It was mainly just videos of my brother and I being idiots when we were young kids.

Well, one of the tapes was cut short by another recording. It turned out my parents decided to make a sex tape. Instead of turning it off and forgetting it ever happened, I de-clothed and had a great wank.

I then put the videos back in the TV cabinet and never thought about it again. That was until I came home from University a few years later and my parents were telling the story of my brother stumbling along their video and how awkward it was. I just played along and acted like that was the most awkward part of the story.” — FluffyDoDo

35. “In my church on the second-floor balcony during a 10 am Sunday service.” — Chrollo

36. “I have beat it everywhere you can imagine except on space or on a boat. I have beat it on plane, train, and automobile. I have beat it in a church and a theater, I have beat it in a car in the parking lot at work on break. I accidentally got some nut on my black sweater, and jokingly told my coworkers it was cum and they just laughed. I’ve beat it in the middle of the forest 50 miles from civilization and I’ve beat it in school more times than I can count. I’ve beat it in a carpet cleaning van, and in a jail cell. I’ve beat it in a hospital. I’ve beat it every single place I can think of, but my least proud fap was probably in my grandparents’ backyard when I was thirteen. It was 2 AM and I was horny as can be and the night was warm. So I upped and went into the backyard and lo and behold I found a semi-rotten cantaloupe. Pushed some fingers into the melon then roused it with my Richard. Didn’t seem too shaming.” — YodasHutOnDagobah

37. “I was about 14 and in my crush’s room. She left the room to do something and I couldn’t help my horny 14-year-old self and rubbed one out in about 20 seconds. I splooged into my other hand and didn’t know what to do with it. So, I scraped my hand onto the inside edge of her fish tank. The fish ate it up and she walked back in.” — graveyboat2276

38. “This is a risky one…

I was at school (University) in the middle of the most boring cognitivism lecture when my teacher said something about ‘… and that’s why when we have erotic dreams we don’t actually feel the sexual act, but we do feel pretty much anything else easily in other kinds of dreams,’ which made me remember a dream I had about a classmate recently.

Went to the school’s bathroom, locked myself in a toilet room, came and went back to class. Everybody fucking knew. I was just so damn bored that I did it almost unconsciously. But yeah, they all knew.” — IceBlack88

39. “I got into hospital because of an epileptic seizure. I was there for a week. I was the only person in the room, and I had my own shower.

I couldn’t do anything for day 5. My girlfriend visited me every time, and I asked her to flash her boobs to me. She did. That night I went to the shower and I fapped.

I was so ashamed after I came. I was standing under the shower thinking: “Fucking hell dude, people are dying right now in this floor, and in this same hospital, maybe even the next room to mine”. It was absolutely horrible.” — Hunthrowaway

40. “The 2004 Olympics, I fapped to the female 100-meter sprint. I was young.” — Lewi25

41. “Probably fapping to pictures of my fiancée in the shower in jail. I mean it was just sad. I was the one in jail in the shower.” — SoggyNach0s

42. “I have had many, but my most guilty was me imagining strangling my neighbor.

Not because she was hot but because she like kept beating my dick.” — A_wild_penis_puncher

43. “When I first learned about fapping I heard it called beating off.

So I would actually beat it. Hold the base in one hand and then basically slap it back and forth with the other. Just fucking hit my dick over and over.

Did that a few times and then one day it was sore so I was rubbing it. Hot damn that felt way better. Fuck I’m a genius.

So those first three or four are my least proud.” — not-my-real-name0404

44. “My (now ex) girlfriend when I was 18-19 insisted she get to watch me crank it before we did anything sexual, so I had to stand in the middle of her room with my pants around my ankles and crank it whilst she watched.

It was just weirdly uncomfortable, like she was scrutinizing my every movement. She seemed to be into it though, but like, when I’m cranking it, I usually just wanna get comfy, ya know?

Whereas this time, I was concentrating on not doing anything too weird, and also not having any porn on was foreign to me. And to top it all off, she got pissed at me when I shot my load on her carpet. I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do?

In retrospect, it could’ve been a domination thing, but I feel she was just more curious about how I went about it.

Nevertheless, I’d rate it 3/10 personally, wouldn’t do again.” — TheeAJPowell

45. “Upside down in the shower, water ran down my nostrils, gave me an extremely severe sinus infection. Also pulled a muscle in my neck, so I was forced to cry out in pain every time I sneezed (this also prevented my neck from healing for the next two weeks).” — Attackbear01

46. “2am, really fucked up drunk, stumbling down a main road in the middle of a city, find a nice phone booth, go at it, get a ride home from a cop.” — KnockingDevil

47. “Kellyanne Conway. I like old, leathery blondes, but this…this was too much.” — Vyzantinist

48. “Drug test for my first job…gave me cup to piss in and I’m sure there was some sperm in there lol…yes I got the job.” — JRocK01

49. “I grew up in a very conservative religious household, and was put through a religious school, with no sex education.

Always had very strict parental controls on our internet, and all the art and music and basically any form of media in the house was Christian in nature (Christian books, Christian music, Christian art, etc.) so being a 13-year-old, getting these weird feelings were very hard to understand.

One afternoon, I was reading my bible like a good little Christian boy, and I came across the book ‘Song of Solomon’, which, if you aren’t familiar with the Bible, is basically about a newlywed couple discovering each other for the first time.

That was pretty much the first time I’d seen or heard a description of a woman in that type of way, and it got me excited. For the next few months I used those verses shamelessly to get myself off, didn’t realize how messed up it was until years later.

TLDR: Innocent Christian boy jerks off to the Bible.” — feelthatk188

50. “This girl at school who was super-hot died, I went to her funeral, saw her in the casket and had to take a trip to the restroom. I’m not proud of it, but I also didn’t want to walk around a funeral parlor with a boner.” — gives-out-hugs

51. “I jerk myself off to completion while wearing a pair of white women’s panties. Now if that wasn’t sad enough this particular pair has a possibility of four owners, which are my grandmother, my aunt (oldest), my mom, or my other aunt (youngest).

So yea not my proudest moment.” — Justsadfappingday

52. “Fapping while smelling my aunt’s wet G-string.” — dankmasterflash

43. “My sister….Don’t judge me! She has really nice boobs.” — jackwhite6

54. “I masturbated to Ivanka Trump once. She was in a really tight dress and I didn’t know that it was her.” — fruitclup

55. “I was very sick. Just discovered how to milk my penis. Was violently vomiting and mother was sleeping in the same room to keep her eye on me. However this would not stop me from my mission. My lettuce WAS going to be spanked that night, NO EXCEPTIONS. I scanned the room for a quick moment. Her eyes were closed. My absolute solitude was confirmed. The pumping begins, but shortly I have a better idea. My stuffed Scooby Doo would feel much better, BUT ALAS!!!! Scooby Doo was in the clutches of my sleeping mother. This would not stop me. I spent about 3 minutes standing over my sleeping parent with a raging boner to get my fuck doll. Mission accomplished. He was mine. I spend the next 45 seconds showing Scooby who was the boss (still next to my mom by the way) and I finish. Coating Scooby’s tail region in sticky goo. I rub the good back into my balls because how else would I clean it, and thoroughly disgusted with myself I throw Scooby back onto my mom’s bed and go to sleep, afraid to look my pathetic self in the mirror.” — 2glamtogiveadamn

56. “My gf and I had been together for a few months, and I was back visiting my folks place for a couple weeks on vacation to go to a friend’s wedding. I hadn’t even had that much to drink, but I was all dressed up, and had come home around midnight, still in my suit, playing video games alone at home –my folks were away for the night. Then the doorbell rings.

That’s when I remember that family friends of ours who live outside of town had told us that their daughter was coming into town to go to another wedding (it was summer), and could she crash at our house that night, because there was lots of room? to which, of course my family said ‘sure.’

Now I’d met this girl several times before, and we were cool, but there was never any particular tension between us. This night, however, she was all dressed up, had her make up done perfectly and she was HOT AF. I’m normally a pretty honest guy, but I swear I’ve never been more tempted in my life to cheat on someone, and I was picking up definite flirtation vibes. Obviously, take my drunken recollection with a grain of salt, but I sincerely think she was as DTF as I was/wanted-to-be; neither of us was expecting a such an obvious opportunity to get laid at that stage of the night, but there we were…

So I offer her some tea (no wine) I show her the spare bedroom, how to use the weird shower we have in our house etc. Then the pause in the bedroom doorway to say “ok, goodnight… ” [crazy long awkward pause with our faces about a foot away from each other]… [turn], “all right then”.

oh man… I still have that image of her in the doorframe etched permanently into my mind. Family friend, if you ever read this…. I so badly wanted to jump your bones at that moment, I swear my turn away did not stem from lack of desire.

Anyway, at that point I was unbelievably horny, so I went back into my room and noticed that some of my gfs clothing was mixed in with my stuff so I put her skirt and blouse around a pillow, and stuffed some tissues where the breasts would be, so it kinda looked like an armless, legless replica of her, put a condom on, and then fucked the shit out of that pillow. Immediately afterwards was a feeling of post-fap shame from ‘ugh, did I just fuck a pillow,’ combined with ‘Welp, I didn’t cheat on anyone tonight”

Proud and ashamed. I guess mostly proud that I could improvise a DIY fuck-doll on the spot.” — Ibangedmypillowonce

57. “After watching the show Dirty Jobs, I saw an episode about a device they used to electro-ejaculate bulls for semen collection. Intrigued, I did some research and actually ended up finding the patent for the device. After reading through the patent, I was ready to try to make a similar device myself. I’d just finished my electrical engineering degree, and went back through my text books to find the schematics for a sine wave generator that used operational amplifiers. I got the circuit working and added an additional amplifier stage to get a pretty stout output from the device and also purchased an anal electrode from the internet to use it with. After testing it out, it actually worked to some extent. But for some reason I didn’t stop there. I took 20 hours of online courses learning how to use Photoshop and taught myself how to Photoshop someone’s face onto a naked body. I took a picture of my friend’s face she had sent me and after about 10 hours had a decently believable nude picture. But for some reason I didn’t stop there. I figured out how to have the picture displayed on my Oculus Rift so that her fake naked figure would take up my entire field of vision. Also, for some reason I didn’t stop there. I purchased a Fleshlight online and created a mechanism using a power drill and crankshaft scheme so that the device would automatically jerk me off. I modified the trigger circuit using a potentiometer for precise speed control. I also purchased a muscle stimulator and tested it out for use on my nipples. Finally the day had come for me to put the system together – All at one time, I had the electrical anal stimulator, power drill Fleshlight, Oculus fake nude device, electrical nipple stimulator, binaural beats playing in my ears, and I also wore a butt plug around all day and taped it to my face so that when I breathed through my nose I got the heavy sweaty smell of my own asshole. While this all was happening I was also high off of 2 joints and 2 hits of acid. I’m on the fence on the experience, tilting between proud and disgusted. My therapist told me the other day ‘Don’t worry, you aren’t doing anything that everybody else isn’t also doing,’ so at least I can reassure myself that a good portion of the population (40%??) also has done the same thing.” — Mikeslemonade

58. “So my dad is getting remarried, and he lives really far away, so I’m staying there for a few weeks. I’m 13.

Big house, and I basically get a big bathroom for myself, that the rest of the family don’t use much. One day looking for more soap, I strike gold. A pretty realistic pair of tits made of silicone, with nipples and all. What is this? I do not know. So I fuck them. (I remember them as being in one piece, I guess I folded them around my dick.)

Still baffled by why they even exist, feeling I’ve done something wrong, I manage to hold my hormonal hot dog holstered and stick to beating it without molesting this unexplained pair of tits…

Fast-forward a week. I’m standing behind the photographer just as he is taking my dad and my stepmom’s wedding photo, when I see her adjust them…” — KetchupGuderian

59. “I turned fapping into a game using pen, paper, and a random number generator on my calculator.

I’d create a scenario, perhaps and haunted house that I needed to escape from or an alien planet that needed exploring.

Then I’d create 10 or so varying ‘enemies’ to suit the theme. These could be anything from vampires to tentacle monsters etc.

Finally, I created a female character for me to play as.

All of the monsters, of course, tried to fuck/have their way with the girl and make her cum.

By the time I’d filled an A6 booklet with ideas, scenarios, and characters I realized how deep down the rabbit hole I’d gone. Haha

On the bright side two of my ex-girlfriends enjoyed the games. One of them absolutely loved them and we stayed friends with benefits for a long time.
So yeah, tell a horny 14-year-old that he can’t use the internet and he’ll make smut out of a pen, paper, and a calculator.” — Onyxdime

60. “I jacked it to the Chyna porno on the day she died. I told my girlfriend and she mocks me mercilessly for it.” — birdslice

61. “My mother caught me.

I was alone…

I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes…Nobody was there – they’re supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamourmagazine. I started leafing through it…” — I_am_oneiros

62. “One time when I was 13 my stepmom and dad got drunk. When it was time for bed my stepmum decided to collapse on top of me on my bed. This was the closest I’d ever gotten to a female so I waited for them both to pass out and fapped myself raw to the memory. So, so shameful, and even more shameful to say that that’s not the only fap I’ve had involving fantasizing about my stepmother.” — harveyhersey

63. “I used to fap to that scene in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith where Anakin dreams Padme is giving childbirth and she’s screaming in agony and begging for help. Yep.” — Noodlesyes

64. “I jerked it to a KFC toy of Halle Berry from X2. This one.” — FireTigerThrowdown

65. “Was watching a 3-way porno. guy started sucking other guy’s dick. I kept going…” — Call_me_Thor

66. “My crush left her jacket with me because I was dropping her off to meet her friend at a mall and her bag was full. Went home and gave my meat a good ol’ beat while smelling her sweet-scented jacket.” — cheese2x

67. “I was fifteen and on an international flight. The flight attendant was hot as fuck, and I rubbed one out on my seat under the cover of a blanket.” — dijitaq

68. “Science-book vagina.” — Headown998

69. “Fapped with my Mom’s underwear multiple times. Not proud of that one.” — OkArmordillo

70. “I fapped to a GTA 4 prostitute with my turtle beaches on and two of my friends having a conversation in an Xbox party. I had my mic muted, but I still can’t believe I did that.” — Moonkeyman120

71. “Let me tell you about a dirty little novel called National Geographic.” — mygeorgeiscurious

72. “Somehow my mother ended up with my grandmother’s old Electrolux canister vacuum.

It gave the most incredible blow job ever.

I have no shame, and tell the story of my love affair with the Electrolux quite often.

Anyway, one day I’m on the road and we pass through Augusta, Georgia….I wanted to see if I could buy a souvenir shot glass at their gift shop (closed to the public of course) but we end up driving past a big Electrolux factory with the name on the side of the building and I stopped to take a photo which baffled the 4 co-workers on this road trip.

I proceeded to tell them the story of how I loved fucking grandma’s Electrolux when I was a teenager.” — Bojackson16

73. “A girl I liked spit out her gum, and me being a stupid weird kid, I picked it up and put it in my mouth. I got an insta-boner thinking about it being in her mouth and went to the nearest restroom and tugged one out.” — frenchtoastwizard

74. “Drove 22 hours to go to a concert with some friends (Foo Fighters). My friends were all straight-edge; no drugs, no cigs, no alcohol. No nothing. But me? Well, if you’ve read my most upvoted comment, you’ll know that I’m gonna tell a meth story.

So here’s the thing. Meth makes you orgasm in ways you shouldn’t. It makes flail and flop like a fish. It makes you convulse head to toe as your whole body is electrified with pleasure that you’ve never felt before.

After 20 hours on the road, we stop at a small gas station. I sneak into the bathroom with my pipe and smoke hit after fatty hit until my dome is tingling. Okay, now I’m ready.

But oh shit! It’s 2000-something and smart phones don’t exist yet. So how do I fap?

I go out of the bathroom and go to the counter and buy a copy of Hustler and Penthouse. Oh shit, my buddies are in the car outside waiting for me! I told them I just had to piss real quick (actually had to smoke a couple fat bowls of meth in the restroom). So what do I do?

I go outside, nudie mags in hand and tell my buddies that I have to take a shit really bad (can’t admit I’m fapping).

So I go in the bathroom and get to it. It’s a good issue of Hustler. You know the Beaver Hunt section? If you don’t know, Beaver Hunt is basically what we had before /r/GoneWild became a thing. Anyway, it takes a while to cum when you’re on meth. Maybe 20-30 minutes? I wasn’t keeping track of time. But I jerked for a looooong time, and I’m out of breath, drenched in sweat and exhausted. And I finally cum. And it was amazing, like it always is when you’ve just recently put a shit load of meth into your brain. I flop around and flail off the toilet, smacking my elbow on the toilet paper dispenser on the way down, as I shoot what feels like gallons of semen all over the restroom. It seriously kept coming. Meth does that to you. Makes you pump like the god damn Deepwater Horizon underwater footage.

So I clean up my mess, and open the door to find a line of 3 guys waiting for the rest room. It smells like meth and semen. And I’m soaked in sweat. And I’m still breathing heavy. And I’m carrying nudie mags. Why didn’t I throw them away? Because they cost me, like, $15.

I go out to the car and my friends all look at me. They know what I did. Well, they know I jerked off. But they don’t know about the meth. Thankfully, they’re kind enough to not call me out and we just continue driving along like I didn’t just unleash a firehose of semen in a public restroom.

I still have those porno mags too. I don’t know why. Even in this age of internet porn, I still have the porno mags I jerked off to when I was 14. I can’t bring myself to throw away the ladies who took care of me for so many years. Or the dirty whores who got me off in that gas station bathroom. I love them and I will keep them hidden in my house until my wife finds them and throws them away.” — Ramza_Claus

75. “When I was about 12 I had a teddy bear and it had an opening in its back from wear and tear I was horny and one thing led to another and I came in my teddy bear. I threw it out that day.” — TheCerealKillar

76. “Wow, I have so many that it’s hard to choose one. I guess the least proud would be around age 13. I was in a private boarding school and slept in a dorm for 6 with three bunk beds. I had the bottom bunk and convinced my bunk mate to fake being homesick so the female staff member on duty would console him. He put on a great show with tears and all, while her tight 1980s jeans put her gap inches from my face. The other four roommates looked on in astonishment while I wanked and came in less than three minutes.” — fapalotte

77. “Installing insulation in the crawlspace of a client’s house

• my (now ex) gf had just called me letting me know one of her exes called her to tell her he had syphilis so she was gonna go get checked.

• so I started thinking about the fact that we had recently had sex and I could be infected too.

• then I started thinking about sex in general.

• so I unzipped the coveralls and there I was slapping ham while covered in dirt and fiberglass insulation debris, staring off into the cramped, dusty crawlspace and still wearing my respirator and goggles.

• because my gf might have syphilis.” — Prince_Edward_IV

78. “In the hospital bathroom surrounded by family as my grandfather was on his death bed.” — postALEXpress

79. “I worked at a hotel over the summer in a busy tourist town. I was a front desk agent, and a family checked in, their oldest daughter being an absolute goddess, chiseled by the gods. There was an empty room overlooking the hot tub and I was on a 30 minute break.

So I notice she went into the hot tub outside, so I book it up to the empty room, proceed to close the shuttered blinds, and peer through the bottom of one and jerk off to her sitting in the hot tub.

One year and a half years later, we are dating for a year, I moved from Canada to Texas, and she still brings it up to this day. Because I told her.

Least Proud/Most Proud moment.” — adoway

80. “Well, long story short I was on Adderall and jerked continuously for 8 hours to a stream on Chaturbate…Let’s just say I could’ve filled an 8oz cup. No regrets.” — DeepInItAustin

81. “My brother had this monkey that you could put your hand into and move the hands around and squeeze the thing inside to make noise. Well the hole to put your hand in was at the bottom and me being a young horny idiot thought why not bang the monkey… So I did. Not proud of this one.” — ItsAViciousCircle

82. “Cheese pizza. I have to admit it; I was in a dark place and ordered a Domino’s cheese pizza and had my way with it.” — WeakStreamZ

83. “Young and horny on a snorkel trip. Had the urge so I took a big breath and dove down. Wedged myself underneath a rock to do the deed while I thought about all of the bikinis topside. Fish ate it. On second thought this is both my most and my least proud fap.” — inantbh

84. “A girl near my school got bullied for a porn video she did for casting couch. She killed herself. I found the video and it was so hot. Guilty as hell fap :(” — djpapamidnite

85. “Cousin’s wife fucked over my credit, hated her guts. I remembered a while back I accidentally saw her big bouncy juicy bewbs by accident. It really was an accident but she did that ‘AHHHH!!! Jiggle jiggle’ move. Went into the deep recesses of my mind and forced a temporary photographic memory retrieval. It was fueled by anger. I fapped hard and splooged super hard. Felt bad later when I forgave her lol.” — AIwaysSaIty

86. “Jerked off to an article about a girl bullying someone, to the point she eventually beat them to death. I kinda pretended I was her victim.” — WhimsicalTastes

87. “Thinking about a dead ex.” — I_Am_NOT_The_Titan

88. “Snuck into theater classroom during lunch, cut a hole into back of one of the stuffed animals on the top shelves, and proceeded to fuck it.

Someone walked in and I tried to make it look like I wasn’t doing anything. No idea if anyone found out or they did and never said anything about it.

Now I have a Fleshlight.” — IAmTheNight2014

89. “Actual least proud fap. I was at a sandbar when I was 14 or something. Found this little pond in the back. Took off my shorts and fucked the wet sand.” — TheGuyWhoLikesThings

90. “Hand-drawn crappy picture I hid under my bed. My artistic skills were…not good. I drew these different shitty characters with different breast types. They had names based on their breast types. One was named Gap. One day I couldn’t find the picture under my bed. I still shudder to think if my parents found it and what their thoughts were.” — 50Centrifuge

91. “On an airplane. Not in the bathroom. After everyone had boarded and we were still at the gate. No I was not the only person in my row of seats.” — fonzie90tx

92. “I was driving to work one day and decided to fap. I was paying more attention to fapping than driving and hit a mailbox with my mirror and tore my mirror off of my car…” — ed900036

93. “At primary school (grade 6 and below) we would get this wide brim hats to be protected from the sun, during lunch time I would sit in the cafeteria or where other people were (literally with 100s of people and many teachers around me) and masturbate in the middle of everybody with only the hat over my dick being the only cover. no one ever noticed it (or at least no one ever mentioned it if they saw anything). I would do this like every lunch time for 6 months. this one time a girl, who I had this massive crush, came to talk to me because she would always see me sitting by myself (big fucking surprise I was a fucking loner), but at that moment I was in the middle of a wank, so I took my hand out from underneath the hat and had a conversation with her basically with my dick out and only covered by a hat.” — restlessly_injected

94. “Even though I’ve watched a lot of weird porn, what I’m most ashamed of is probably the YouTube videos of women teaching how to play euphoniums and bassoons.

I know they aren’t meant to be sexual, but there’s just something about a woman holding a big instrument and lecturing you about going down on it and covering all the holes… I’m sorry.” — sleif

95. “I cut a hole in the ass of my teddy bear I had as a kid and fucked the stuffing out of it. I cried in shame as I threw it in the trash afterwards.” — nitemike

96. “I had recently been crushed by my horse when he reared and lost his balance and the horn of the saddle landed on my nuts. I was taken to the hospital and my balls were literally swollen to the size of a watermelon. Here’s the other thing I’m gonna throw out there. I’m a rubber not a stroker, when I had the accident I was still rubbing my dick on soft blankets to cum. I was in so much pain the first time I went at it, I was rubbing my blue watermelon blood sack against a blanket. It got even worse when the blood hardened inside my nuts, it felt like a million daggers jabbing at my nuts when I’d do it.” — RenownedShark

97. “I’ve fapped to the thought of getting pegged and pissed on by some rather unattractive triplets I knew in high school.” — LightningEdge756

98. “I was 13, and working in Ft. Wayne, IN for my neighbor installing church pews. We were far from home, so the church had us stay in the convent while we were there.

The nun loaned me some movies to watch while I rested after work each day. One of the was That Thing You Do with Liv Tyler.

Turns out 13-year-old me had a crush on Liv Tyler.

God save me for what I did in a nun’s bathroom.” — Antyok

99. “I was in a choir for 5 years as a kid, not just a local church one, but a big one, went on tours and stuff like that.

Anyway, we wore robes and stuff which were quite loose, and 13-year-old me decided it would be a good idea to fap in them…in the middle of a morning service…in the middle of the choir seats.

Got away with it, totally worth going to hell for.” — IDLEJACK

100. “Once did the deed to a video from China about a dog getting boiled alive because there was a topless woman making BDSM type screams in the background.” — jackblackhappytime

Discovering Solo Sex: 27 Female Masturbation Stories From Reddit

Real women explain exactly how they first discovered masturbation. If these stories don’t make you horny, they will at least make you nostalgic for your own early experiences with self-pleasure.

1. “A chance encounter with a high-power pool jet.” — rautx15

2. “Had been annoyed and horny throughout school and life because I thought only GUYS could masturbate. So when one day, just turned 19, I had the whole house to myself, just chilling with my hands down my pants as usual. Started feeling around and something felt…good?? Then, I came, and now I’m a sexual deviant who whores around. Not really but I was very happy to find that girls could masturbate.” — bears_bee

3. “The family hand-held back massager! Would tell my family I was going to massage my stomach, it helps with the constipation. I thought they didn’t know what I was actually doing (not like that excuse was any better!?), but I’m sure the loud buzzing coming from my room was a dead giveaway. Mortifying.” — dolphinhunter

4. “I am female. I was 10. My very conservative mom told me, ‘you better not be masturbating in there, it’s a sin.’ I had never heard the word before so I asked her what it meant.

‘Touching yourself for pleasure,’ she said. I thought it sounded interesting so I tried it. Haven’t stopped since. Sorry mom :p” — nunlife

5. “I would’ve been 9 or 10 (I’m a girl).

I was sitting in class nervous about a test I was taking. I kept fidgeting and squirming in my seat.

I crossed my legs at some point and my jeans rode up into my crotch. When I shifted I felt this twinge that felt nice. So I sat there, rocking back and forth.

Suddenly I didn’t feel nervous anymore, and finished my test.

I found out the next year what I was doing and was mortified I ‘masturbated’ in class.” — Name Withheld

6. “I dry-humped a pillow until I came and was freaked out and thought I was gonna die.” — IHATEALLTHEPEOPLE

7. “Chillin’ on the top of the washing machine.” — lexielou48

8. “I can remember when I was younger I thought it felt good to rub my crotch on stuff (like riding a toy horse or wearing a tight harness), but I have no idea how I properly discovered it. I think I found out guys could do it via media, but I didn’t know girls could forever. Eventually Eventually I just decided I’d stick my fingers up my lady hole one day.

Then I found the clit and WOOOOOOOOOWWWWW.” — Kill_the_worms

9. “Not sure if it was the first time but it came so naturally to me. So strange. I was like 4 or 5 years old. My family was watching a movie on the TV. There was a hot girl taking her shirt off (yes I’m straight but we get turned on by things like that in film too sometimes) I propped both elbows up on two barstools by my side so I can hold myself up. I crossed my legs really hard and started clenching. Eventually I was doing this a lot. Any barstools I found. Crossing my legs really hard and sometimes swinging. I grew up wondering if there was something wrong with me for crossing my legs like that until I felt a release. Wasn’t until way later that I realized it was just masturbation.” — Ivy_233

10. “When I was little, like 7 or 8, I had a shit ton of stuffed animals. One day I realized that rubbing up against one while I was going to sleep felt good, so the next day, I pretended I was changing, but I really was stuffing all of my stuffed animals down my 8-year-old pants. Those poor stuffed animals…” — el_flaco_penguin

11. “When I was 19, I was an incredibly late bloomer and was watching porn and thought my hand rubbing my clit would be an awesome idea. Then I got a vibrator & it felt even better, now I’m pretty sure that I support the battery industry. God, I need to get laid soon.” — Wonderland_weirdo

12. “Back then, I was living in Bangladesh. I was 19. I had tried masturbating before but with no success as I never knew how to do it.

That particular day I was visiting a relative. They were a whole family and I was very close friend with their son.

We were watching the 2006 world cup, Italy v. USA match, while doing so, we were also switching to a 2x movie, Sexy Movie (later came to know), shown on Ren TV (a Russian channel), as it was a Friday night.

There was a scene in that movie, with Mary Carey, simulating a masturbation on a fountain. The scene was too much for me, the scene was fresh in my memory while going to bed. The memory kept forcing me to keep rubbing down there. We both were sharing the same bed, lol, so, I had to be careful so my friend doesn’t realize what I am doing. I kept rubbing and then ended up having the most euphoric feeling in my life.” — nah_it_wont_happen

13. “When I was about four or five I realized that a ride on Sandy the horse at Meijer’s felt so much better when I bent a little at the waist and pressed my pubic bone into the saddle. It wasn’t until many years later when I got my first Hitachi magic wand that I realized I was just trying to recapture that first masturbatory experience.” — tortugastation

14. “I was 5. I was taking a bath in grandma’s whirlpool jet tub as we were visiting. Lifted my legs up and draped them over the rim. Spread them apart a little and slid down into a comfortable position. Heavy jet stream of bubbly water RIGHT in the clitoris. Tension and feelings built up SO fast I thought I was going to explode, it felt so good. Just as I couldn’t take it anymore, I removed my legs from the side of the tub. Later, as I was awake in bed, I started rubbing my parts with my index finger in a counterclockwise motion. I orgasmed, but it wasn’t a very good one. Child me thought it was the shit. I did it more, and slowly learned how to control myself/edge/get better orgasms, and did it all the time.

I was reading a book my mom had bought about sex ed for the Christian mom to her daughter. It talked about some pretty steamy stuff. The ironic part was that I used the mental images and pictures to get myself off better when the book said masturbation was a sin. That was my go-to fuel until I found the internet.” — ShakespearesSpear

15. “I used to call it ‘tickle.’ I think I was 8 or 9 (female).

We had two couches. Using my hands, and using the two armrests from the couch, I’d lift my body up, twist my legs, and rock back and forth until the ‘tickle’ came….

Little did I know…” — shirleyxx

16. “Sitting ‘horsey’ style on a swing.” — pickle25

17. “I’m female. One night when I was around 11, I started tugging on the front of my underwear. It felt nice so I kept doing it until all the sudden I got a really intense feel-good tingly sensation. It actually scared me for a few minutes because I didn’t know what had happened. Then it dawned on me that I had an orgasm.” — LandShark93

18. “Conservative Christian household.

Mother: DON’T TOUCH YOURSELF DOWN THERE.

Me: Well I wonder why she doesn’t want me to touch myself down there.” — oohshesabrick

19. “One day at the pool I was just hanging out next to the wall. I could feel the jet and I thought, I wonder how that would feel on my privates. Well it felt great! I found out what an orgasm was a few years later. I had my first orgasm at 12 in a public pool.” — dasAbenteurin

20. “When I first got my period. My caregiver told me it would last for a week. Challenge accepted. I had the bright idea of using the jet setting on the shower head to flush myself out, and get it all out in one day.

It. Was. So. Unleashing. It felt like I had ripped myself out of a cozy little box, and there was no way I was going back now. My entire life transformed itself.

My plot to shorten my period didn’t work, but like so many scientific inventions, discovery of a great thing happens by accident, or while trying to create something else.” — Aloria_Lain

21. “Late 20s. I got ridiculously crazy raging horny, because a low libido BF completely stopped fucking me. I thought I was going to explode. I always thought using a dildo is icky. I have zero ideas why I had this preconceived notion.

I would hide and masturbate with a steel muddler.

He eventually got me a wand, which was awful because it desensitizes me.

Still struggling.

Will be getting a butt plug and kegel balls soon….

Being horny fucking sucks.” — ceekant

22. “Story time! So I’m from a super conservative Indian family where no one talks about anything. I one day just decided to stick my hand in my pants at a very young age (3rd grade) and liked it. I think I saw my dad with his hand down his pants once and I always wanted to copy what he did. Anyways. I didn’t orgasm or anything back then but I just liked to do it when I was idle. I think I just enjoyed moving my finger in the wetness. I didn’t think much of it ever.

Eventually in 4th or 5th grade, I remember just forgetting and idling doing it in class and getting yelled at from a teacher for it. That’s when I realized it was wrong. (Looking back, I’m so mortified. I have no idea if other students noticed or would have known…maybe.)

But I enjoyed it and didn’t stop. Just learned to do it when no one was around. Now I just think I liked the trill of doing something wrong. No biggie. Well, until one day, I woke up with blood all over my underwear. Oh shit. It must be god punishing me for my wrongdoings. I tried to hide it and got away with hiding it for half a day by constantly changing and throwing away underwear without anyone noticing. But at the end of the day, I was still bleeding and convinced that I was gonna die and go to hell. Eventually, I gave in and told my mom about the bleeding. And thats how I learned about periods.” — Throwawaymas999

23. “My mother had given me several rather progressive books about puberty, etc., and so I knew that touching yourself was okay, but I had no idea what it meant. I tried fondling everything I could think of (from elbows to shoulder blades) and couldn’t find anything that felt nice. It was frustrating

Then I tried ‘tickling’ myself with an electric toothbrush once. I knew what an orgasm was, but couldn’t be sure if I’d had one. So I went and Googled it on my mother’s laptop.

Good times.” — KatiaSwift

24. “Oh god. I can’t remember the exact age, but def younger than 10. I don’t remember if this is how I discovered it, but I do remember sitting in the backseat of my mom’s minivan with my friend. I told my friend I had discovered this cool trick where if you rubbed something against your hoo-ha you’d feel nice. So I stuffed my baby brother’s baby blanket in my underwear and dry-humped it in my seat. I remember getting off from that and my mother being like WHY. Also I have a memory of my family trying to have a nice time watching a movie in a hotel and I laid across the front of the bed (in between my family and the TV) and dry humped my hands until they told me ‘if you want to do that go somewhere else.’ Just kill me please.” — whiskeyd3vil

25. “Waking up from sleeping on my stomach on a waterbed. Something rubbed something and I came.

Then it happened in the shower.

I am now multi-orgasmic and I cum several times a day. I had no idea until I read in a magazine years ago that women were capable of cumming in repetition. Whaaaaaaaat?!

Yep. Easily.” — Texastexastexas1

26. “I’m a girl and I was about 6 or even younger. I was riding outside on one of those little plastic cars that you move by pushing off the ground (idk what they’re properly called lol) and I guess my crotch rubbed against it in a nice way and well the rest is history. I didn’t continue using the car thingy to do it tho. I would hump the doors around the house by hanging on the knobs and as time went by, the smell of the metal lock part of the door started to be enough to get me ‘aroused.’ I also used the stair railing in our house.

A few years later my older sister told me what it was and I was so embarrassed because I would literally do all that in front of anyone lmao.” — pauliaomi

27. “Can’t remember the exact moment, but I had some build up to it. I actually got sexual fantasies when I was really young, like maybe 10 or 11, and I remember I’d take off my pants and underwear, get on my knees and elbows, and hump the air really fast. I remember that feeling good. I also remember my first orgasm. I was watching Masters of Sex in high school and they mentioned that a woman would know when she orgasmed. I also watched a lot of Laci Green at the time (that was my best form of sex ed). I decided to use the back end of my electric toothbrush and just kept going until I actually orgasmed. It felt incredible and I masturbated like every other night until I got to college.” — beatleslover_

Discovering Solo Sex: 27 Male Masturbation Stories From Reddit

Real men explain exactly how they first discovered masturbation. These stories will turn you on, or make you nostalgic for your own first experiences with self-pleasure.

1. “Found a belly-dancing video that gave me an erection. Just started touching it and voila, discovery.

I had the misfortune of catching someone else discovering themselves once. I was at a water park and the kids were playing in the jets that come out from the ground. Smack dab in the middle was a preteen sitting on top with her head thrown back. Just grabbed my kids and noped right out of there.” — CaptainNog

2. “When I was 12/13, I was lying in bed with a boner. Started humping my sheets and found I could not stop. Logical consequence ensued.” — SethRogen-Not

3. “I got locked in a closet by some abusive babysitters. I discovered a new method of rebellion that day.” — HammySamich

4. “My dick got hard in the bathtub and as a game I started thrusting it in and out of the water. I realized the contrast felt good and I started rubbing it to feel even better. I eventually orgasmed but I was way too young to release anything.

Bonus story: when I asked my mom why my ‘weenie’ gets hard, as a deflection she said, ‘That will happen more and more as you get older.’

I responded, ‘Wow. Grandpa’s weenie must be hard all the time.’” — NucularRobit

5. “I was 12 years old. My parents had left me alone on a Saturday afternoon.

I had been looking at Playboys and whatnot for a few years. Those, and my parents’ Joy Of Sex books from the 70’s that they kept in their library. But up until that point, I would pretty much just look at the pictures and get boners. Be all hot and bothered. But no release, because I didn’t know what a release was.

That afternoon, as I was left alone in my house to my own devices, I flipped on the PPV scrambled porn. You know the kind—you waited for minutes to see a blurry image of a boob.

And I started yanking it. Not sure why I was doing it. It just felt good. A spur of the moment kind of a thing.

And the damn thing went off.

I was dumbfounded. Didn’t know what had happened to me. There was a mess everywhere.

I cleaned it up, and proceeded to spend the next month locked in my bedroom trying to replicate it.

Good times.” — anymanfitness

6. “I don’t remember exactly how I discovered it, but the first time I tried, I used both hands, one after the other, in rapid succession. It kind of looked like a magician pulling out endless handkerchiefs from his pocket.” — PresidentFlavorFlav

7. “My parents were having a New Year’s Eve party when I was like 7…I was banished to my upstairs bedroom after dinner, but I spent most of the night on the edge of the stairs listening in on the grownups talking.

One of the guys there made a joke that involved a girl pulling on a guy’s dick to make it longer…I thought to myself, ‘huh, that sounds interesting.’

Tried it myself in the privacy of my bedroom, and basically never stopped.” — loki8481

8. “Freshman year of high school, other guys on the football team were talking about it and I just nodded along like ‘uh huh, yep, me too.’ Went home to try it, haven’t stopped since.” — blahtotheblahblahh

9. “Lying on the floor playing video games on my stomach, rubbing my dick into the ground felt good. Figured out I could get the same stim from my hands. Eventually orgasmed. Never look back.” — Skavis18

10. “When I was 16, some jerk employee at the place I worked at told me that the drop tower seats should be shaped like a giant hand, and white liquid should come out of the top whenever the people made it to the bottom.

I went home and tried doing that.” — throwaway801780

11. “In Transformers (2007) Shia Labeouf’s mom accuses him of masturbating when he won’t open his bedroom door (he’s trying to hide Optimus from her).

Well, I was about eleven when that movie came out and I didn’t know what ‘masturbating’ meant, so I looked it up on Wikipedia. After that I ended up clicking the related links, which were all different sex positions, and ended up getting super horny from all the pornographic diagrams (seriously go look those articles up). Figured that was a good a time as any to put my knowledge to use.

TL;DR I guess I’d really like to thank Michael Bay, Shia Labeouf, and Sam Whitwicky’s crazy mom! Honorable mention goes to Megan Fox for that funny feeling in my pants.” — Hungry_Lion

12. “Nurse pulled back my foreskin during an exam and I liked it.” — AsshatVik

13. “I first discovered masturbation climbing on a high stool at McDonald’s, I think. For whatever reason, I found out that lifting myself up with those muscles in that way felt weirdly good in my stomach, and so I did it again…and then thought I peed my pants. I was…10? 11? I dunno, right around puberty age.

But I kept thinking about it, so one day sitting in a chair with arms I decided to lift myself up using the arms. Sure thing, it felt good again. Sure thing, I came, although this time I knew that had happened so I had the foresight to strip to my boxers, so I noticed it didn’t feel like pee.

But now I knew this was a thing I could do. I started doing it like every day, usually using the bars underneath my bed (it was a bunk bed, but with a couch as the bottom bunk) to pull myself up. I’d just pull myself up, pull my legs up Indian-style, and hang there for 20 or 30 seconds. My arms would start to get tired, which is when it started to feel good. Then it would happen, and I’d see how long after I could keep holding on.

That was about when the internet started picking up (I’m 31 now, so this was… 1996?), so I started trying to research it, and I learned about normal masturbation. I tried that and never went back, for obvious reasons.

I will say, though, I kinda wish I’d never discovered the right way. My arms were ripped in late middle school. I was lanky and nerdy in general, but I had the most pull-ups in my 7th grade PE class by a huge margin (I did like 15 or so, the next closest was like 5). I’d probably be in much better shape now.

But I digress. What the fuck was I doing? Why did it work like that? Does that work for anyone, or am I weird?

To be clear, I’m a guy. I don’t know if I can still do it. I might not be able to even physically hold myself up that long anymore, I’ve gained weight and lost strength, but I’ll try next time I can.” — Persiat

14. “My family and another went to the lake together. Oldest girl in the other family was leaning over in her bikini and I saw the mother of all AA titties. Later that night I was thinking about it and I got hard. I didn’t cum, but I had my first orgasm after stroking my peen with two fingers like a V shape just up and down. Man was I inexperienced.” — Absolute_Anal

15. “I was homeschooled in just 5th grade. My mom had to work and my work was on the computer. So I usually was done by noon. And I got bored and looked up sex. Never looked back.” — Lord_Lebanon

16. “Climbing up the pole on a jungle gym. I’m a man by the way. Just one of those straight fireman’s poles side by side we used to have races on who could climb up the fastest. I never climbed the fastest but I got off the fastest. The first time I got up about three-quarters of the way maybe 10 ft and it happened and I froze there and then fell off all of a sudden. I’d had no idea what was going on. We had some really dangerous jungle gyms back in the day.” — RedditPoster05

17. “8-year-old me was snooping around my parents’ bedroom and discovered my mom’s large handheld plug-in massager under the bed.

I turned it on, and to my surprise it vibrated powerfully. I put it on my feet, my chest and then my head. It was so much fun to discover what all the different places on my body felt like putting a massager on it for a while. I was discovering A Whole New World.

Eventually, like any normal 8-year old boy with a powerful vibrator would do, I put it on my dick to see what it would feel like. And wow! Nothing like I’d ever felt before. At that moment I knew I would never use this device anywhere else on my body, but my hard little boy dick.

I kept it on until I climaxed and what came out look like clear pee. I got a towel to wipe everything off, put the vibrator back and made a note to self to make sure to have a towel on hand (literally) next time.

Bonus: once my mom walked in on me doing the deed with it and immediately did a 180° out the door leaving me to finish. Many years later, I realized that she probably (definitely) masturbated with it too. Either way, thanks for not freaking about about it, Mom!” — dev27

18. “Back when I was a kid in the year 2000 I happened to catch There’s Something About Mary on TV, when I saw the scene of Ben Stiller wanking I thought to myself I don’t know why he’s doing that but I’ll try doing this, I haven’t stopped since.” — Novasex

19. “When we were 8, 9 we discussed it in school, maybe some older guy told us. Then we tried it. It was strange I remember we would share one porn mag. We discussed our experiences and even jerk off together once or twice. It never got completely gay though just a bunch of preteens jerking off. I remember the feeling of having all this pleasurable juice inside of me and then spreading it on my stomach where it was sticky and cold.” — dw_jb

20. “In middle school, I was lying in bed thinking this girl from school who had had pretty big boobs for middle school, and she had a small frame that accentuated them. My hand went down my pants and it just…sort of…happened.” — tubatim817

21. “I was lying on my stomach and a live performance of ‘It’s Raining Men’ by one of the Spice Girls (forgot her name) was playing on TV. She took off her jacket and then her shirt until she only had a bra left. Got a boner and rubbed it on the ground until I could feel ‘the peak.’ Yeah….” — tinyfriedeggs

22. “The earliest memories of me playing with myself was putting my dick near those water pumps found on the side of swimming pools when I was in elementary school. It felt so good.” — meahoymemoyay

23. “I knew what sex was, because we were shown in second grade an educational tape about sex. Few years later I accidentally watched porn. When I was eight I decided it would be great to hump my bed and pretend I ‘do sex.’ I almost reached orgasm, but was too scared. It was too intense for me, I was just a child. My dick was just for peeing, not for getting this sweet, mother of all pleasures.

That was an opening of a Pandora’s box, because not too long after I reached orgasm. I spent so many hours showering as a child and developed a weird masturbation technique on the shower floor. Then my mother got a ‘back massager’.’ We all know no one uses it to massage their backs. I used it to masturbate. The amazing sensation of it vibrating my little balls. OMG.

I better order me a back massager. It’s been a while. I’m lonely. — a_rake_

24. “When I was reading in my room alone one night, I got a boner. Wasn’t my first, but the first time I was alone and everybody else in the house was asleep. I was like ‘what the fuck is this?,’ and adjusted it to be more comfortable, and it felt good to touch it. I grabbed it with one hand, and my firm grip felt intense. I didn’t know I was experiencing sexual frustration at the time, nor how to relieve it. I squeezed it harder, but my body still wanted more. I pull my shaft out of my pants, and it’s throbbing now. I use my other hand, and I feel the smooth tip. My dick twitches ever so slightly, and I had a surge of devious pleasure, unlike anything I ever felt before. I rub the palm of my hand against the head of my penis, and with each circular motion, the pleasure just keeps increasing, until I feel the pressure of a thick viscous fluid travel inside the length of my cock, and erupt into my palm. I don’t stop rubbing, as my cum runs down my shaft and pools up on my abdomen. I uncurl my toes, and inspect the mess in my hands. My dick, twitching uncontrollably, slowly squeezing more jizz from my meatus. I have no idea what this is, or what I’ve done, but fuck did that feel incredible. I grabbed some pieces of paper to scoop up what I can, then sneak into the bathroom to clean myself up. I curl up under my blankets, just contemplating what I’ve done, turn off the lights, and fall away into the sweet embrace of my sweet dreams.” — humptydumpty14

25. “It was that scene from Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carrey punches the dude in the dick repeatedly all Wu-Tang style. 7 year old me thought ‘does that really hurt?’ So i did it… Popped one for whatever reason. The rest is history and you all know something my mother does not, enjoy.” — Taki_king

26. “Three years old, was trying to pee in the big people toilet, laid my pee-pee on the toilet (witch’s kiss I know), and for some reason let the toilet seat rest on my pee-pee. This felt good and I motioned back and forth until my dad gave me a weird look and I stopped.

10 years old, I am looking up funny jokes online and happen to find myself into the ‘adult’ section because maybe I thought they were funnier, I don’t know? There were jokes of fucks for a golden duck, halloween bj’s under a tree, acute pussy jokes, weird shit. I ended up on wikipedia and looking at the terms until my mom found my search history and cried in the bathroom on the phone with my grandpa. Never spoke of it again.

12 years old, friend tells me to go footlong.com or some shit saying it was Subway related (hint: it was not). Saw giant foot long cocks of gargantuan size destroying women. This prompted me to look up more stuff and voila…found out how to wank.” — lefondler

27. “It was fall, 1984. I was watching television on Friday night, The Dukes of Hazzard, when Daisy appeared on the screen. I had watched the program for several years but now for some reason Daisy looked different in her wife beater tank top and short shorts. There was a certain bounce when she stepped that I had failed to recognize previously, in my prepubescence. My Fall Guy Underoos tightened as I sprung my first full-fledged boner. I went to the bathroom to assess the situation. I tried everything to get my rod to go down. I hung a towel on it, I tried shoving back in my pants. I smacked it and it just wiggled back and forth like on of those spring door stoppers. Sensing some pain on my shaft I began to gently rub it. It didn’t make it go down but oh man did it feel good. I spanked that monkey like it had stole my lunch money. And that’s how I discovered masturbation.” — 3fingerbrad

Featured photo by OnaArtist.com.