1. Overuse exclamation points. The mom Facebook motto in regard to exclaiming digitally is always: more is more. Or should I say: more is more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How else could mom convey proper excitement and jubilation than with a seizure of exclamation points?
2. Repost inspirational quote images which will feature a sunset or a woman meditating or flowers and it will be heavily pixelated because it will have been shared thousands of times by thousands of moms, creating a Mom Brigade of Inspiration.
3. Repost viral videos that went viral like three years ago. You know what? It’s relevant because mom hasn’t seen it yet. Don’t judge her for posting about Sophia Grace rapping to Super Bass. IT’S RELEVANT TO YOUR MOM. PLUS IT IS STILL ADORABLE.
4. Repost a lot of American Idol or X Factor audition clips with “OMG I TOTALLY CRIED!!!!” in the status. If there is one thing moms go HAM for, it is an undiscovered singer who’s got pipes for days.
5. Comment on your status and offer up genuine advice which mortifies you immediately. Sorry mom, nobody wants your well-meaning advice on how to get their crush to like them. NOBODY.
6. Comment on your status and be the most proud person in the world. “THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!” Great, thanks mom. If everything I do is amazing, then NOTHING IS AMAZING.
7. Comment on your status about something modern and hip and have no idea what you’re talking about and go on a tangent about something else entirely. Mom, you have no idea what a Snapchat is, just stop.
8. Subpost their entire friend list by posting a really preachy quote image about how people should conduct themselves. What better place to exert the mom way of life than on someone’s timeline using an image of words surrounded by foliage?
9. Update their status about all the accomplishments—no matter how big or small—that their kids have done and spread the wealth around to all the siblings even if one sibling didn’t do anything cool. Laura got an A+ on her chem test. Peter got published in his college newspaper. And, Jake? Well, Jake… he got out of bed this morning before noon. Good job, Jake!!!!!!!
10. Post a lot of questionable “funny” images about their husband and make you wonder if your parent’s marriage is okay. Mom, do you… hate… Dad? You posted something about leaving him at Husband Day Care and now I’m thinking you two are just not okay?
11. Post a lot of articles from Yahoo! and AOL. Mom, can you update your resources? Is this 2007?
12. Repost your pictures from events they were not even at. Mom is not in the picture, but she posts it on her timeline as if she was there. It’s kind of sweet actually. Awwww, moms are the best.
13. Cat videos, but I mean, welcome to the internet, Mom. Cat videos are universal. Cat videos are everything.
14. Post pictures of their babies if they still have young children or, if their children have grown up and left the house, post pictures of their dogs. I guess we know how mom deals with that Empty Nest Syndrome: DOGS. SO MANY DOGS? MOM R U OK?
15. Post a status update about their favorite show which is going to be either Parenthood, Nashville, or Scandal. They are super sad the Braverman family’s television lifespan has ended. They like totally related to it.
16. Post about little deals or happenings going on in their hometown, unaware almost completely that not all their Facebook friends actually live in the same town as them. Oh, there’s a wine walk in downtown Pleasanton? Cool story, mom!
17. Use quote images to convey their religious beliefs. This isn’t awkward.
18. Use images to convey their political leanings. Ooookay, going to hide that now.
19. Ask their Facebook friends to donate money to a charity. Bonus points if it’s a local political or religious charity which will make people with different views or beliefs feel kind of uncomfortable, but maybe also not, because they’re all doing the same exact thing. Maybe in the secret Facebook mom world this is an okay thing to do?
20. Post a picture of themselves drinking a glass of wine. Moms love wine!!!!
21. Invite you to play Farmville. No, stop.
22. Invite you to play so many games that make you question what your mom does all day. Uhhh, mom, do you work? Or like do anything besides invite me to play Candy Crush?
23. Repost an article about motherhood. (Likely source Yahoo! or AOL)
24. Post pictures of things they see in stores or catalogs and tag you in them because they’re “so you!” but you see it two days later and you’re like …what should I do with this information?
25. Be the best sport about everything, including this post, because if kids didn’t tease their moms, how else would they work on their humor? This is all a joke, don’t call me “concerned” about what I’m writing on Thought Catalog. Just share it, mom, and say you like it with like a hundred exclamation points. Love you, mom!