For the first time, I am writing something not out of hate, of rage, of envy, or any other emotion that would power Green Lantern’s rivals. For the first time in my life, I am writing out of love.
Love is powerful. It makes geniuses such fools, strong hands gentle, dark rooms glow. It makes a shy one bold, a coward courageous, an old man young. It is something that gives you strength and weakness at the same time. It is something that could bring out the best, and at times worst, out of someone. It is everything you hold dear and more. It is your heart, it is the core of everything. Yes, love is the core of everything you see around. Everything you are surrounded of is from love. I am not saying that it is the good kind of love, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the good kind, sometimes it is from the bad side. War, destruction, violence, all out of love. Love of more power, control, love of territory, love nonetheless. The books, the movies , the songs, all out of love. Love lost, love found, love longed for.
But I’m writing this out of the good side of love. I’m writing this because for the first time in my life I found that someone I would love without end (and really, I do not see any end for it all, unlike all the other times where one would imagine life without that someone, this time I really cant, I think I would cease to exist by then.), and someone who would love me for who I really am, well, aside from my friends and family, but that’s a given fact already, isn’t it?
As cliché as this might sound, but I have found the one. I know, I may young, still foolish, at times arrogant, hard headed, but this time I know this is it. I know. I don’t know how, or why I feel like this, but I know this is it. I know that this is the moment, my moment, where Shane West meets Mandy, where as Ethan Hawke I see my Julie Delphy for the first time, where Ron Pearlman turns his back to the world and all of it, if Selma Blair asked for it. This is it. I am not foolishly in love, I am not head over heels stupid for one person, I am not an obsessed idiot seeking attention, I am just in love. It is not toxic, it is not something that would be a distraction to your everyday life, it is something beautiful, the kind that serves more of an inspiration to live by. I am not selfish, nor (well, I’m quite a bit) controlling, I am just letting it unravel on its own. It lives by itself, it does not need a push, or a pull, or constant force, it just rolls by itself smoothly along the yellow brick road that is the world.
This is fate and coincidence in motion. It is the beauty of time, space, and nature doing what it does best in front of me: bringing lives together. I guess they were right, you do not search for it, it comes to you. For the first time in my life I do not have to pretend that I like this, or that, and that I am a different person, for the first time in my life I can be who I am and it would be the most wonderful thing. I could tell her all my stories and leave nothing behind, and in the end it would just so happen that she feels, or has done the same. It is like all the heartbreaks, and heartaches from before, all the TV shows I’ve watched (“When I was a child, I used to watch this show called The Worst Witch.” “Is that the one with Mildred?” “YES!”) , the movies I’ve seen ( “I don’t know the title, but Danilo Barrios is in it.” “The one with Glaiza?” “YES!”), the songs I’ve listened to (“You know that song that says ‘Come on, come on, come on’ really fast?” “Karma Chameleon? That’s karma by the way.”) lead me straight to her. She’s into movies, I’m into music, and it just so happens my favorite song “Semi-charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind is the OST of her favorite movie, A Lot Like Love. She just gets me. I’ve met girls before, and a few of them wrote of me, but not as hauntingly beautiful as her letters. She just has this aura when she writes, I can’t point it out, but reading her letters is like listening to Elliot Smith, it’s like listening to a wounded angel, with a voice so heavenly and mortal at the same time. It’s nothing I’ve ever seen before, and everything I never knew I wanted. She represents the things and moments and feelings I never knew I had, and needed. I am nothing without her. I am nothing but with her I can do anything, everything. This is something.
She has seen my worst, is striving to bring out my best, and is still there though the lines are full of dead airs and silence. I’ve never been with anyone who believes in me so much. And if this is not love I don’t know what it is, because really, my days with her are the best of my life. No one ever made me feel this way, literally. This is on another level, or world, it is on a league of its own. Everything I’ve felt, done before, it is like it prepared me for this. Everything on my past, nothing left behind, is what I am today, and for once, I am not ashamed of my whole being, because being myself is why she is with me.
For the first time in forever, I am home. And I am loving every single second of it.