Why It Hurts Her So Much When You Say You Are ‘Not Ready For A Relationship’

Girl who is hurt
Unsplash / Duncan Shaffer

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because it makes us feel like we aren’t good enough to be your girlfriend. Like we are pretty enough to sleep with you, intelligent enough to hold a conversation with you, and fun enough to spend a Friday night with you — but not valuable enough to date you.

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because most of the time it’s bullshit. It’s something you say when you want sex. Something you say when you want to stay just friends. It’s the modern version of it’s not you it’s me. It’s a way for you to break the news to us gently — that we are someone you want to flirt with, but not someone you want to take home to meet your mother. Someone you want in your world for now, but not forever.

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because you probably aren’t going to cut off contact and make getting over you easy on us. You’re probably going to use our feelings for you to your advantage. You’re probably going to string us along. You’re probably going to sleep with us. You’re probably going to get exactly what you want from us, even though you’ve already admitted you are never going to give us what we want.

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because it makes us believe that timing is the only issue. It convinces us to stick around for longer than we should just in case. It gives us false hope. It makes us think we might have a future when you know we don’t.

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because it’s confusing. You treat us like your girlfriend, but keep reminding us that you aren’t interested in making us your girlfriend. So where does that leave us? Should we hold onto the hope that you are going to change your mind eventually? Should we assume you are just pretending you want to stay single because you are afraid of following your heart? Or should we take your words as the truth and disregard your actions? We are unsure if we should pay attention to what you say or what you do — because they are two totally different things.

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because it’s only a matter of time until you find someone else to date. Someone who makes you feel like you are ready for a real relationship. And when that happens, when you become someone’s boyfriend after swearing you weren’t ready, it makes us feel like shit. It makes us feel like we were wasting our time. Like we were kidding ourselves when we assumed there was something between us, because obviously you didn’t like us as much as we thought. Obviously this new girl gave you things we couldn’t.

Hearing you’re not ready for a relationship hurts because it means we are never going to get together. It means you are going to break our hearts. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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