Screaming. I like dirty talk and noises. But my ex would scream. Scream. Blood curdling-like. I was worried the neighbors would think a rape was a happenin.
my ex always used to slap his semi/hard cock in my face when i wasnt expecting it, or just grab my face and shove it in my mouth. once we were at a hotel and i was drying my hair when he decides to come and shove his raging boner in my unsuspecting mouth. what he didn’t realise was that i’d just opened the pack of hotel cookies and he got mid chewed cookie crumbs all upon his cock. never seen a man go so flaccid so quick.
My girlfriend seems to think that having the speed of Barry Allen on steroids while jerking me off is the best thing to do. Sometimes is just super uncomfortable, but she does it so rarely (and BJ’s even more seldom) that I don’t complain to her. But god, how would you like it if I tapped on your pussy like I’m trying to send the last fucking telegram of the day?
The very first time my wife and I did it doggy style with the lights on, she had a little piece of toilet paper stuck in her butt hole. I still imagine it glaring at me 8 years later.
Well, I’ve done something… I had an ex that would go on and on about “squirting”, trying to make me squirt, and I just can’t do that. I still have those moments when I wonder if it’s actually a real thing. So one day when I was on top, I peed on him to make him happy. He knew it was pee straightaway. It kind of burned him and gave him a rash.
He was a cheating fucker though so eh.
She wore Santa lingerie, which is basically red g-string and top with white frilly stuff. She also did the tongue around the lips thing along with a “come hither” look.
Problem is she was drunk, cataclysmically drunk. She had trouble standing at the time and had to keep leaning on things (not always successfully). Her come hither look involved one eye looking at me, the other looking over my shoulder. Then she licked her lips and winked but seemed to have trouble concentrating on the licking bit so it went on forever, and she kept her one eye closed the entire time she was doing it.
Then she suggested I take photos of her in her shexshy lingerie.
It ended with her collapsing onto the sofa and falling asleep.
She tried though, gotta give her points for that.
He told me “I’m gonna stick an orange in your mouth and eat you out until Fanta comes out from there”.
What the hell.
I wanted him to talk dirty and he said something like, “Yeah, you like what I’m doing to your…uh…vagina?”. He’s a good sport but just…no. Totally unsexy word.
We did the “rough sex” thing where everything was aggressive. Mid way through having sex she farted and it stank really bad. I consequently farted while laughing hard because her farts never usually smell that way. Later that night she started having diarrhea because of food poisoning from the sushi she had the night before.
The night I met my boyfriend we were both pretty boozed. He must have thought it’d be charming to sweep me off my feet as we kissed, and carry me down the stairs. Alas, inebriated as we were, fair Romeo missed the last step sending us both sprawling on our asses on the tiles. The high point of the tumble came when he accidentally let slip the squeakiest of farts as he landed. The look of surprise on his face when he glanced to see if i’d heard – i had – was fucking hilarious.
Still banged though.
I once told a boyfriend about sexual abuse in my past.
He acted sympathetic, but later, he asked me to tell him about it again because it turned him on.
He’s not my boyfriend anymore.
My husband is very goofy and once told me he wants to shove his dick so far down my throat, “you’ll get white diarrhea.”
baby talk…just NO, don’t do it!!!!
A few years back my husband and I had a romantic evening at home to celebrate our anniversary, nothing fancy but he cooked his amazing beef chilli and we ate in front of the fire by candlelight, it was a recreation of our first valentines day, red wine was flowing, it was simple but beautiful.
After a few hours(and a few bottles of red) we were pretty hammered and in that state of mind where the stupidest of ideas or suggestions seem like a great idea. I was drunk, hungry and horny so had the great idea of eating food off each others naked bodies and ran off into the kitchen to see what I could find, the first thing I found was a pot of left over beef chilli…fuck it.
Long story short.
Firstly:NEVER put any chilli based food products on your giblets, it will never end well.
Secondly: Trying to sift chunks of beef and beans out of your lovers pubic hair with your mouth is possibly one of the grossest things you could ever do(and have done to you.)
Thirdly: Jibbly, jibbly, jibbly!
TL;DR:chilli beef pubes
My girlfriend and I were in her basement looking to do have a freaky-deaky good time. She wanted to get into a little role play… or something, so she suggested we each find a costume from her box of old halloween costumes and come out and act like the character we were. I was reluctant, she was persistant. She was a girl who had 2 sisters, that’s it. The only costume available for me was a Franklin the Turtle Costume. She got into it. I had sex that night as wide-eyed as an owl.
EDIT FOR FINAL DETAIL TO SAVE MY DIGNITY — I put on the costume, not only because it was literally the only option, but because I thought it would be so bizarre that she would be like, “ehh maybe another time..” Well the shock treatment did not work.
My girlfriend wanted to try throat fucking, and obviously I’m not gonna turn down any dick sucking scenario. We get down to it and all is going well, but she suddenly got to enthusiastic and went to far down on my meat pole. The next thing I know she vomited her lunch (Italian bmt from subway) all over my dick and stomach. It was so warm and horrible I just laid there for an eternity as she just laughed hysterically.
Spread nutella all over her body. Wasn’t sure if the bogeyman was in my bed or if she had gone insane and covered herself in her own feces
Girlfriend likes it when I talk dirty. I have a problem focusing on talking when I am trying to shabone. Brain wanted to say “You have a tight pussy” or “You like my thick cock?”, decided best solution was “You like my thick pussy?”.
Answer was no, she did not like my thick pussy.
From my girlfriend “YOU WANT ME TO RUB MY TITS ON YOUR BOOBS?” uhhh ok yah.
I think he was going for ‘romantic’ more than ‘sexy’. I was with my first serious boyfriend, we got a hotel room together, we start out our evening by getting undressed, and he decides he wants to do a sexy, romantic slow dance with me before we get down to business.
Problem: boyfriend was deaf. Literally, like 90% deaf. So he puts on the radio and starts eyefucking me and doing this slow, smoldering dance, and I don’t have the heart to tell him that he’s trying to do it to, like, Ska.
I had to make a throwaway to share this because I don’t want this shit anywhere near my real life.
I’ve known TWO separate men who wanted to pee in a clear, flexible plastic tube like this while it was inserted into my ass. After the urine would eventually drain into the depths of my bowels, they wanted to take the other end of the tube and suck the urine out.
I met these men five years apart, and while they do not know each other, they have a mutual friend in common. I still wonder if he’s where they got the idea from…
Ex-gf thought it would be a good idea to put toothpaste in her mouth before giving me a blowjob. Apparently she read it in a magazine and it was supposed to great for the guy…
I’ll tell you right now, it definitely wasn’t great. It burned, never let someone put toothpaste on your dick.
I remember real early on in the relationship my soon to be wife (and much later on ex wife) jammed a handful of skittles up her ninny right before sexy time. I was supposed to find them when I was giving her oral.
We didn’t get that far. Ye olde vagine developed an irritation and she spent the rest of the night cleaning rainbow coloured goop out of her holiest of holies.
The best part? The look of fear on her face during the whole thing because she didn’t know how many she put up there in the first place.
So my top comment to date is in regards to my ex wife’s box full of lollies.
And thanks for all the replies, a lot of laughs first thing in the morning.
she kissed me after a bj. i thought she swallowed. i thought wrong.
My first real girlfriend and I dated for 3 years. We broke up and 8 months later decided to give it another shot. She was really excited to show me how good she had gotten at giving blow jobs. She did get good; too good. It was the saddest I had ever been while cumming in someone’s mouth.
Had an ex who gave me handjobs so rough I had to check my member in the bathroom every time to make sure I wasn’t injured. Dunno why she was so rough. Maybe she was pissed off at me and took it out on me, using the handjob as false pretense. Perhaps she heard the term “choking the chicken” and thought it was a technique to be applied literally instead of a slang term for it. Whatever the reason was, I never stopped her because I was young and stupid and thought at the time that if I told her to ease off I’d look like a pussy.
tl;dr almost had my dick ripped off.
My boyfriend will rub his nose all over me. I think his nose is really sensitive and this feels really sensual to him, hes really in the zone but I keep trying to get him to stop it because nothing about having a nose rubbed all over me is turning me on. I’ve told him directly that I’m just waiting for him to stop it so we can carry on with what we were doing but he seems pretty set on doing this every time.
My ex and I were going to have sex and he REALLY wanted me to give him head, and he wanted to cum in my mouth at the time I was really put off by it, so I just said I don’t know… And kept on doing what I was doing, he then pulled me off once he came, scooped up some cum on his fingers, put it in his mouth and said “See!? It doesn’t even taste that bad!” I fucking lost my shit, had to leave the room so he didn’t see me half laughing half gagging. It was such a turn off.