1. Liz Lemon?
Put potato chips on your sandwiches!
Always carry tampons or/and panty liners in your bag even if your period isn’t due – it’s the responsibility of every sensible woman to have some on her in case another poor womb carrier has misplaced or forgot hers and is caught short.
1. Wipe after you pee. You don’t have a magical dick now.
2. Yes, it leaks like that all the time.
3. lol have fun not having pockets
Get measured for your bra. Don’t guess. Get a few fun ones, but remember all those bright colors show up through thin shirts. Plan accordingly.
Always pee after sex, and wipe front to back.
1. Carry an extra slim wallet that fits into tiny girl pants pockets so you don’t have to lug a massive purse around all the time.
2. Buy a vibrator. Like, right now.
3. Accept you’re going to be up against gender norms like people expecting you to be dainty/pretty/elegant/quieter/dumb/demanding/submissive/maternal/nurturing. There is no need to direct hate towards people who make these assumptions, they’re just in their own world and a little behind on the times. Don’t waste your energy on negativity. Be the person you are, and try not to be an asshole. Simple.
4. Want red lips? Lipstain, gurl! Lipstick/lip gloss rubs off way too quickly.
5. Yes, there are professional fields where you won’t be taken seriously and will have to work twice as hard to prove otherwise. If it’s your passion, do it anyway.
6. Turn up your headphones when you’re walking through a crowded city during the day (don’t wear them in both ears at night if you’re in a secluded/dark area.) There’s no reason to hear the catcalls. They’re not important.
7. Guys who get pissed and obnoxious when you don’t talk to them are even more important to avoid.
8. Battling girl bitchiness is tough. Surround yourself with gals who lift you up, encourage you, and make you feel awesome about yourself.
9. Try to avoid white denim. Or most white clothes if you don’t keep track of your cycle.
10. The symptoms of an oncoming period are very similar to pregnancy symptoms.
11. Twist the mascara wand as you apply.
12. You don’t have to shave your legs/armpits if you don’t want to. Seriously.
13. When you wear a tight, short skirt, you’ll spend roughly 30% of your evening tugging it back down over your ass.
14. Figure out which sex positions hit your sweet spots.
15. Cosmo, Jezebel, Sex and the City, etc. are mostly for lolz and fun, girly narrative. They are not rule books.
16. Now you wear a bra, you can sneak all kinds of shit in anywhere.
17. The body you have is amazing – love the hell out of it. If you don’t feel healthy, work out. If you feel healthy, awesome. And have a ton of sex.
18. Don’t fake orgasms, or lie about having them.
19.Do yo kegels.
When you head to the hospital to give birth, make sure you pack a squeeze bottle in your bag that can be filled with water and when squeezed, will direct water in whatever direction is needed. For the first few days after giving birth – you are raw and sore down there. When urinating, it’ll burn. Fill your squeeze bottle with warm water, sit, aim it at your vag and squeeze it as you pee. This will effectively dilute and wash you at the same time, alleviating the burn.
Accept the body you’re given. Look after it. Don’t worry that your boobs are too small or your bum is too big. Love your hair even if it’s mousey brown and totally blah. Get pedicures even if your nails are like claws and your feet smell. Have great sex, even if it’s just with yourself. Eat chocolate and drink wine. Walk on the beach and dance until the wee hours. But don’t forget to sleep lots. Enjoy being awesome.
I asked a girl I’m hanging with, she said if you find a pair of jeans that fit perfect, buy 2 or 3 of all of the colors, stock up.
Set a reminder on your phone that goes off every day so that you don’t forget to take your BC!
Hold in all of your farts to release towards any cat callers.
That hair from your butt crack? It did not come outta your butthole. It came from your head.
13. Women don’t die
Vaginas bleed. Yours will bleed. You will not die.
My wife responded with, “Don’t.”
My former boss is Indian and she said that in her next life she wants to be a man. She said life is very difficult being a woman in management.
Invest in economy size boxes of hair ties and bobby pins. Then be prepared to lose every last one in under month. Repeat every month.
Never stick anything sugary or flavored in your vagina unless it’s specifically designed for that. No food. Except maybe a cucumber that your bitch roommate bought after stealing your stuff. Stick that up your pussy and put it back in the fridge.
Play with your boobs. Just as fun to play with even when they’re your own.
If you find a shade of lipstick you like, or the perfect bra–stock up because they will be discontinued next week.
19. I usually gasp
Don’t gossip to other girls. If you need to talk shit about someone, do it to a guy; they keep their dirt sealed up tight. Mostly because they don’t give a fuck.
20. Cramps do suck
Cramps suck really bad. You can prepare for this by purchasing medication such as Midol. Midol always takes away my cramp pains. However, Midol doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve heard that some people use heating pads with great results.