1. It comes in waves (pun intended)
My basic answer would be that there’s not a great way to tell for sure.
In response to the comments saying don’t pressure her…I think one issue is many men don’t realize sometimes how much pressure a woman feels. This can come from herself if she wants to ‘perform’ well. Men can also inadvertently add pressure by how they go about sex. Most women need to be really relaxed to be able to orgasm. This requires a lot of foreplay and it helps if she really feels comfortable around you. If you don’t warm her up a lot, she probably won’t climax.
Women often don’t have the kind of control over their orgasms that men have. When a guy masturbates, it’s pretty straightforward what he needs to do to cum, and he always gets there (barring some sort of interruption). Men get a lot of practice with orgasming and they know what it feels like to approach it, etc. But women take much longer to learn how to masturbate to orgasm, and some women don’t know how to get themselves off or are not very good at it. There have been a lot of times I masturbate and don’t really cum. So it’s even harder to control during sex, since most of the stimulation is coming from your partner.
On the plus side, it feels good just getting close. Orgasming is of course important, but it’s not critical like it is for men. I guess for men it feels more like once you’re stimulated, you have to cum or you will explode, whereas for women it’s possible to enjoy the stimulation before an orgasm and get back to a resting point. We climax in waves, not a single peak point. Like I said, orgasming is still important, but it isn’t a mark of total failure if she doesn’t orgasm when you first start having sex with her. Now, if she can never get off after you’ve had sex several times, then there is a problem. But if if it’s the first couple of times you have sex, she might just not be relaxed enough to orgasm. Guys shouldn’t take it as a sign of their failure or success whether they can get a girl off.
2. The tell-tale signs
I’ve never faked an orgasm, and have discussed with my boyfriend how he knows when I’ve orgasmed. This is what he’s told me.
- I have trouble breathing when I cum. I gasp for air.
- I usually cover my face with either my hands or a pillow.
- If it’s a really good one, he can actually feel my vagina constrict/spasm around his penis.
3. That flush
I don’t know if it’s just a pale woman thing, but I get a rash on my chest, my cheeks flush, and my lips redden. Can’t fake that.
If your fingers are inside her, you should be able to feel the contractions. That said, I wouldn’t use this as a guarantee.
One thing to keep in mind is that some women have very light contractions and some women don’t really know what an orgasm is, especially younger women or those who don’t talk/think/learn about sex for religious or personal reasons. Because of that, if you don’t feel those contractions, don’t accuse her. You can ask questions, but it’s generally always a good idea to assume that she is telling the truth either because she has very light contractions or because she doesn’t actually understand what an orgasm is.
The best way to avoid a faker scenario is to prevent it. How? I would communicate that you sincerely want her to enjoy herself and if that means an orgasm, great. If not, that’s OK, too. Whatever she wants. And encourage her to tell you what she likes. Let her know that you’re happy to do whatever – oral, fingers, etc – and you know that even with oral and toys it may take a while for her to get there or she may not get there at all and that’s OK. You won’t judge her. You understand that some women need more time or very specific stimulation or that they can’t come at all, and that’s OK. What’s most important to you is that she’s honest because you want her to have a great time and the only way to succeed at that is if she’s honest about what’s going on with her body.
If you say all of that to a woman, I would be FLOORED if she fakes it with you.
5. “A stupid face”
Honestly if you look and the girl is making a hilariously stupid face that means it is fo’ real. I make crazy stupid scrunchy faces when I cum as well as that uncontrollable body spasm.
My bf normally knows I’m good if I “seize” a bit. And if he’s confused he normally JUST ASKS if I have or not and then we talk and decide if we keep going or not.
6. “Like exorcising”
In my experience, if she’s convulsing like you’re exorcising a demon, you’re doing it right.
7. Sometimes they ask you to stop touching them
This is a question that’s probably better to ask men, ironically. When a woman is having an orgasm, they’re probably not thinking about what the other person can see. (Bi/lesbian women can answer, of course.)
In my experience, it varies. Some women are quiet, others are loud, and even then the same woman can be quiet or loud depending on the intensity of the orgasm. One common factor is that a woman will usually start shuddering uncontrollably, but again, the intensity can vary from person to person and orgasm to orgasm. Also, some women need you to stop touching them when they’re coming because it’s too much for them to take.
8. Almost like constipation
Her chest might become more red, her breathing will change, she may or may not make noise, some hold their breath, their pelvic floor muscles contract rhythmically, sometimes their backs arch, sometimes their toes will flex or hyper-extend. Rarely, she will pass out.
In the lead up to it, the body becomes rather more tense. During the actual orgasm, the vagina contracts rapidly and motor control becomes… erratic. Also, the hip tends to thrust quite a bit.
Biting is also a fairly common thing during orgasm. Biting into whatever seems convenient. My ex used to bite her wrists. I tend to bite the bedding.
10. Touch the butthole
If you want to be 100% sure, a woman’s anal sphincter will spasm involuntarily during orgasm (a man’s does not, which is apparently a question frequently found on the medical licensing exam, but I digress). So, get in a position where you can look at their buttonhole or put a finger on it.
11. Don’t forget the formulas
Orgasms, especially in women, can take many different forms, and detecting them is always difficult due to their differences. A G-spot orgasm may be very different to a clitoral orgasm, for instance. Compounding this is that many of these defining characteristics, such as contractions of somatic pelvic muscles (hip thrusting) can be faked. One thing that can’t be faked, however, is smooth muscle contraction, so that’s probably your best bet.
Smooth muscle is a special type of muscle that’s not under voluntary control. It controls the size of our blood vessels, movement of food through our digestive tracts, and ejaculation (in males and females) during orgasm. You can assess its contraction by observing it, but this is difficult in the deep tissue layers of the vagina. Your best bet is to place electrodes.
If your partner has any form of vaginal piercing, this is a good place to start, as the metal is an excellent conductor of the electrical signals that will accompany her love spasms. If not, you’ll need to insert the electrodes 2-3 cm (about an inch) below the skin to get good readings. Try to place them reasonably far apart. There’s a very good chance she’ll notice when you do this, so if possible, try to distract her by asking if she can remember who played whom in Ocean’s Eleven (original or remake?). Once you’ve got the electrodes positioned properly, hook them up to your recording equipment. Depending on your setup, you should be able to hide a powerlab or similar equipment under the bed while you collect your data.
Keep in mind that the electrodes must keep as still as possible during coupling, as dislodging them will muddle readings. You will probably need to change the angle and momentum of your thrust to accommodate this. Furthermore, make sure your partner doesn’t move around too much, as the electrodes can’t tell the difference between voluntary and involuntary contractions! If at all possible, try giving her an orgasm without touching her vagina at all.
If electrodes aren’t your thing, you could also try measuring hormone levels. This is a bit tricky, and you’ll need a blood sample. Technically, one taken directly after “orgasm” would work, however for best results you’ll want to take small samples regularly throughout the course of the session to monitor more subtle changes. Remember to time and date the samples right away, and if possible in your log book, make a note of what you were doing. Eg, “Sample 7B – 9:17:33 pm Friday 30/5/14, 30 stroke-per-minute ‘slow’ pace, medium depth, longitudinal strokes with slight upward inflection at maximal insertion. Subject expressed desire for increased force and depth of thrusts.” This will really help later when it comes time to analyse your work!
A single set of data will do in a pinch, and may serve to give you a crude indication of your partner’s sexual arousal levels, but will severely limit the amount of statistical interpretation you can do later. As we know, the key to successful science is repetition! A larger sample size will really help boost your confidence intervals. Repeat the experiments several times, and if the option is available to you, try using different subjects, especially ones you’ve previously confirmed via other methods to be definitely faking or not, as these would make valuable negative and positive controls, respectively!
This may sound like a lot of work, but it’s not like we’re dealing with something simple here that could be solved by basic, relationship 101-level communication. This is definitely something that needs to be handled with appropriate investigative rigour!