1. Oh, man, thanks buddy
Hi, I’m Aladdin.
Pretty much only works if your name is Aladdin, though.
2. I’m overweight too
I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? Because you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
3. What did the iceberg say to the Titanic? Nothing! It’s an iceberg.
“Oh, sorry, not a good icebreaker.”
4. Don’t actually have a feather on you
Tickle your ass with a feather?” “What?” “I said, typical Nebraska weather.”
5. So charming
You don’t sweat much for a fat girl.
6. When in doubt, Pluto
Have you heard about Pluto? That’s messed up, right?
7. Me and my homie, we double parked outside
“What it do vanilla face?”
8. Sound means cool in England, apparently
I once met a nurse whilst a family member was in hospital. I opened with “Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?” “The ultrasound guy.”
9. Always compliment
“Nice tattoo.” (People generally like to tell stories about their tattoos.)
Seriously, though, I’m one of those odd people who has social anxiety but also has good social skills. It isn’t hard for me to say the right things, I just feel physically sick about having to do so ahead of time, lol.
“So giraffes… too tall?”
11. Do you get it?
“Hedgehogs, man…. why can’t they just… share the hedge?”
12. Only works if you have thick glasses on
When I go out to the bars at my college, I end up asking girls if they recognize me from their math class. It doesn’t work if they don’t have multivariable calculus. And it really doesn’t work if they don’t have math at all. Needless to say, it’s worked about 0% of the time. But hey, my buddy thinks it’s hysterical.
13. Is there something wrong with you
Me: 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Do you know what the other 20% does?
Me: So you masturbate in the shower?
14. This guy over here
I don’t have one. I talk to them just like I’m talking to a friend, and more often than not, I end up with a new friend.
No need for lines, just talk to them like you know them (minus the familiar insults that most friends throw).
15. This started it all
Wot u lookin’ at mate? / You ‘avin a giggle mate? / You’re in for a propa rumble mate
16. You think it’s funny?
When I am introduced to someone and they say, “Nice to meet you” I say, “Nice to be met.” Wife hates it.
17. Wait, what
Walk up to a group of people. Start talking to someone in the group not talking to the rest. “So, I was fucking this guy in the ass when he reaches around and touches my balls. I’m like ‘Dude, what the fuck, I’m not gay!'” People who pretend like they didn’t hear it, I ignore. Those who laugh, my new friends for the night.
18. A new spin on breaking the ice jokes
I just look them dead in the eyes and say, “Fat Penguins.”
Then they’re all like “Whaaaaat?”
And I’m like, “Well it’s enough to break the ice.”
And then I go home, and cry in the shower where nobody can see my tears.
Hey, before you say anything, let me tell you about why Hitler wasn’t wrong, and what the Reich means to me.
20. POINT BREAK, BEST MOVIE EVER
What is your favourite movie ever, and why isn’t it Point Break?
21. Fist bump some hot girls man
I’ll just bump into them awkwardly, avoiding eye contact whilst looking at the ground, and sheepishly say my name.
22. This is 100% true and tested
“What’s your major?” – Every person at every house party in every college town
23. Yeah and can you show me again
How do you dry off when you turn off the shower?
It’s strangely intimate knowledge that can’t be described, only shown.
24. Works every time
My four year old daughter’s is, “I have a cat.”
25. The beginning of a love story
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?