1. Going Straight For It
I don’t know who started spreading the idea that the best sex is bang, bang, bang and you’re done. There’s more to sex than just an orgasm, and I really don’t like it when a guy tries to go straight for my hole without getting me all revved up. Hello! Foreplay! Let’s enjoy each other’s beautiful bodies, not race to the finish so you can get back to playing Xbox or whatever :)
2. This Is Real, Actual Life, Not A Porn Set
Most people know what they know about sex because they’ve seen all the porns. They see how people talk in the porn, and they know how they do it and which scenarios they do it in. Hey, I’m all for a little role-playing because it keeps things interesting. But can you not talk to me like I’m a sex toy? And if you talk dirty to me, which I like, can you at least be more creative than, “Yeah, take that dick.” THE LITERAL WORST.
3. What Are You, A Nipple Contortionist?
The nipple is just the icing on the cake, not the whole cake! Pay attention to our breasts, fellas. The whole breast and nothing but the breast. Please don’t twist my nipples like you’re searching for a radio station.
4. Take Your Freaking Socks Off
Granted, I have a mild foot fetish, or at least I find men’s feet sexy. My own love of feet aside, I just think it looks really silly if we’re both totally naked and you’re still wearing socks. Take those bad boys off!
5. Yes, I Know You Want Me To Blow You
But that doesn’t mean you get full license to push my head down on it, again, like we’re in a porn. I will get there if I feel like it, not because you’re forcing my head in that direction. When I’m down there though, feel free to hold my head (a lot of girls don’t like this) and you can even thrust some, too. I get it.
6. Don’t Get Annoyed When Something Isn’t Working
Sex is suppose to feel good. It’s supposed to be about two (or more lol) people enjoying each other’s bodies. There’s no faster way to kill the mood than when you get frustrated because a new position isn’t working, or because you can’t get hard, or because of some other #SexFail. Sometimes things don’t work and that should be okay. But when you get annoyed about it, it just makes me feel bad.
7. Concentrating WAY TOO HARD
Lighten up, bro. Why so serious?
8. Just Because You Finished First Doesn’t Mean It’s Over
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Sex is NOT a race. I hate it when a guy finishes before I do and suddenly that means the sex is over. It’s just plain selfish. I have needs too you know!
9. I Have A Vagina, Yes, And I Get That You Love It. But — Hello — I’m Up Here!
Sex and the City brilliantly branded this type of guy “Mr. Pussy,” the one who is so focused on female anatomy that that’s the thing he dives straight into, tongue first! Yes, please go down on me. But like also? I have other erogenous zones and pleasure points. Find them!
10. Insisting Girl Has Orgasm To Assuage Own Feeling Of Sexual/Masculine Inferiority
I’m not a robot, bro.
11. Can You Please Not Ask Me “Did You Cum?”
Because like if you have to ask me if I came, well then that’s the problem right there, isn’t it? Like I said, an orgasm doesn’t have to be the sole purpose of sex. But when you ask me “did you cum,” it’s almost like you’re trying to rush me and move on to doing something else. You’re not asking if I had fun or if I’m enjoying myself. You’re asking if you made my body orgasm. It’s kind of a selfish question if you think about it.