1. If you don’t have something monogrammed, you can’t sit with us.
Whether it’s as simple as your daily planner or as intense as having your entire bedroom covered in your given initials, monogramming is a way of life in the south. I don’t know who first came up with the whole thing. I assume it’s because sorority girls had trouble distinguishing their belongings from one another and this was their brilliant solution. All I know is that I receive at least one gift every holiday, birthday or special occasion that has my monogram on it and I know, that by default, I’m supposed to love it…I love it a lot actually.
2. You have to learn to accept camouflage as a wearable print.
Most southern girls have found themselves aiming a bow at a target or living creature at least once in their lives. And even if you haven’t, can you honestly say that you have never worn camo at one point or another in your life?! Doubtful. Hate it or love it, odds are that you own something that would allow you to be invisible in a tree stand or at least look the part for a good ol’ White Trash or Redneck-themed party.
3. No newborn baby girl is complete without an obnoxious bow or flower strapped to her head.
I’m pretty sure it’s written in fine print somewhere that all female baby announcements in the Bible Belt are required to have a face-sized bow. It’d be a sin not to, y’all. Seriously though, I have no idea why we do this, but I think we can all agree that it’s cute as hell.
4. There is no greater hangover cure than Bojangles’.
THIS IS SERIOUS. This is one of the greatest truths I’ve ever known and I feel sure every true southern girl agrees. A Cajun filet biscuit with Bo-rounds and a sweet tea will literally give you life, especially after you spent the better part of a Saturday night downing tequila and wishing you hadn’t sent all those text messages.
5. There’s something about a man whose name starts with “J.”
When it comes down to it, the most prominent men in a southern gal’s life all have names that start with a “J.” From Jesus and Jake Owen, to Jack Daniels, Jim Bean and Jose Cuervo…you get the picture. Josh Thompson’s song “Way Out Here” says it best, “We’re about John Wayne, Johnny Cash and John Deere way out here.”
6. The bigger your hair the closer you are to God.
A little (or a lot) of volume never hurt anyone. No recorded injuries anyways.
7. There’s only one kind of tea…sweet.
Nothing makes a southern gal as ill as hornet quite like ordering a tea at a restaurant above the Mason Dixon Line, only to be brought a putrid liquid that bitch slaps your taste buds. It’s a crime, folks. So get out of here with that peach tea and green tea nonsense. Tea was meant to have sugar in it!
8. The seasons of the year are a necessity.
Not only for our sanity, but also for our wardrobes. Southern gals love buying boots and scarves just as much as they love to buy sundresses. Also, you can bet your sweet ass that as soon as the weather in any season gets too harsh, southern ladies will take to social media to raise Cain about their hatred for the 100-degree heat, pollen takeover or the three inches of snow keeping them from leaving their house, and begin counting down the days until the next season arrives. It’s just what we do, okay?!
9. Southern gentlemen are the dream.
Regardless of how independent you are, every true southern girl is patiently waiting for her very own Rhett Butler to come along and sweep her off her feet. And you best believe he’s going to open our doors, hug his mama and know how to handle a strong woman. Sure, we might entertain some suspect individuals for a while, but trust me when I say there’s only one kind of man we’ve got our hearts set on.
10. Department stores sales will empty your wallet.
Black Friday my ass! No other event will get you, your mama and your grandmama up at the crack of dawn like a good ol’ door buster sale at Belk. Hell, even some great-grannies might show up to raid the racks and fight a biddy for that perfect multi-colored Moo Moo. Shit gets real and it gets real fast.
11. Mary Kay/Tupperware/Jewelry/Etc. parties are a way of life.
Whether you like it or not, you will get invited to two or 15 of these events each year. Unfortunately, at some point, you will run out of excuses as to why you “can’t make it” and will actually have to attend. And when you do get sucked into attending, you’ll either end up spending tons of money on things you didn’t even know you needed or agreeing to host the next party. I mean really, my containers have their own containers now.
12. Gossip is a given.
You, your friends, your mama, even the ladies in church, will always have something new to tell you about someone. Regardless if it’s good or bad news, you can’t wait to lend your ear and hear the 411. Anytime you hear a southern woman say, “Not to be a gossip but,” you know you are about to hear something that will most likely make your head explode.
13. Always act like a lady…
Unless you find it impossible in certain situations. In this event, always pretend to be a lady and hide your crazy around your mom. What she doesn’t know hopefully won’t kill her.
14. Thank God every day, and twice on Sunday, that He chose you to be raised in the south.
Not saying it’s the only way to live, but it’s definitely the best way to live! There’s a reason northerners retire here after all. *curtsies and takes a bow*