I’m Sorry For Wasting So Much Of Your Time

Utomo Hendra Saputra

I don’t feel the same.

I don’t want to go and hurt you anymore so better yet, prevent it now.

Firstly, I want to thank you for a few simple things.

Thank you for noticing me. There are so many things I never saw in me that you did. Perhaps, if you didn’t notice these things, I would never have appreciated them all. In your eyes, I was so much different and I didn’t deserve that kind of attention.

Thank you for all the efforts. For the past years, I have never received any of those things you have given me and even if I forget to say it to you I’m truly grateful for it. Not because they cost much but because you remembered me in certain occasions. I don’t really like receiving so much from only one single person that’s why I always try to prevent it from you.

Thank you for never giving up on me. Because no matter how many times I told you not to do something, you’re always pursuing it.

Thank you for being there to listen. I know that I’m a difficult person to understand but you were keen enough to listen to all my troubles and ka-gagahan.

Thank you for motivating me. I will always remember how you were one of those people who encouraged me to do the best I could in everything I do.

Thank you for all your time. I know that I’m often away and never present at all during our small talks or chats but you still managed to greet me.

Thank you for being a friend. If anything, what we had is something I will always be reminded of when I look back. We may not be the closest and all but I sure am going to remember you.

Now, allow me to also apologize for some things I’ve done.

I’m sorry that I, unknowingly, lead you on. I thought that I have already made it clear to you that all I really want is for us to be friends first. But perhaps, I didn’t use the right words which have been enough to get the message through.

I’m sorry that I’ve wasted so much of your time. I admit I’m not good with conversations and that I have bored you too at some point with my weird socializing skills.

I’m sorry I showed false motives. I didn’t want us to be awkward around each other, it just happened and I’m genuinely sorry. I just wanted to be kind to you and be your friend, I didn’t know you were going to take it like that. If only we could turn back time.

I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you sad. I know you’ve already been through a lot and I don’t want to add to that anymore. I don’t want to make you any sadder than you already feel.

I’m sorry for not being a good friend. I know I’m not anything like your closest ones but I’ve always wanted to be there when you need me. Because isn’t that what good friends do?

There are still a lot more to say yet these are all that I had come up with. I hope you won’t take this the wrong way but rather put you through the right path in the future.

You are a great person and I’ve seen it. It’s part of the reason why I have admired you. You’re special, you see. Boys like you are so rare. Never let one thing or two put you down. You deserve more than what you think I could give you. Honestly, I’m scared of everything because this is my first time to ever encounter something like this. And I don’t want to cause any damage so I refuse to take any risk at all.

I hope you know that it may not be me but there are other girls out there who are right for you– who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Someone who will see you as something entirely special among all others. Someone who will love you just as much as you loved them. And she will be so lucky to have you.

You deserve the truth and nothing less. I could never have the guts to break a heart like yours. It’s so fragile and unique and anyone would feel lucky to have it. So I’m sorry if it should end it this way. I just don’t want to hurt you any further.

I think you deserve to know that I have already someone whom I genuinely adore.

He’s always been around and I know, he cares about me too. I don’t even know if he likes me back but I’m happy this way. He knows me well and even if he doesn’t feel the same, I’ll be alright. I hope you don’t blame him because I’ve really liked him for a long time now. Trust me—if you get to know him better, he’s a great person.

So just see this as a venue to be happier. I know you told me that you “loved” me but I don’t want to make it worse by telling you the same thing just to lie and make you happy. After all I think you’re just saying that because you like one thing about me but barely know the rest about me—we never even talk in person. So I don’t know. Let’s just say, I want you to feel the privilege of loving and being loved genuinely. I don’t just want you to get it from someone who isn’t ready and unsure like me. You will find that girl, someday and I wish you nothing but happiness.

Perhaps, I was the phase you ought to find so that you will be more prepared for the next person who will love you whole. I’m sorry to disappoint or make you think I kept your hopes up. I tried so hard to tell you but I always hesitated because I’m scared I’ll hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.

Thank you for everything, all the times with you. And I’m sorry for not being the girl you wished you had. Just know that if it isn’t us, it’s because some girl out there is really meant for you.Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I weave stories around people.

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