This is a list I’ve compiled of the shit people say to bartenders and what bartenders want to secretly say back. The following questions and phrases will annoy your bartender to no end. So avoid them at all costs and you will be well on your way to becoming the bartender’s best friend…not really, but still.
1. Don’t I look 21? You don’t need to see my I.D.
If we thought you were truly 21 we wouldn’t ask to card you. And if you are twenty-one then you should have any problem showing us your I.D. The only people who go out of their way to make a big fuss about this are, surprisingly, folks who are underage.
2. Why do you have to hold my credit card, you don’t trust me?
No. We don’t trust you.
3. Could you surprise me with a drink?
Sure I can. One Bud Light coming up.
4. Do you have anything without calories?
Of course. One bottled water coming up.
5. You’re a bartender, so what do you like?
I like getting tipped. So order your drink already.
6. Can you make me something special?
Sure. But it will cost you. That’ll be the price of the drink plus a 20% tip (or more if you’re feeling generous).
7. Can you make me something fun?
See previous comment.
8. It’s her birthday, could we have free shots?
I’m going to pretend you didn’t ask me that.
9. Can I charge my phone behind the bar?
Only if the bar isn’t busy and you brought your own charger, then maybe.
10. What’s your cheapest beer/shot/drink?
The one that you probably still can’t afford.
11. I’m going to take care of you… trust me, just hook it up.
Sure you are.
12. Can I have some more olives?
No. This isn’t a buffet.
13. I can’t taste the vodka in this drink.
Well maybe you’re an alcoholic. No bartender pours less than 1½ ounces (the industry standard) in any one drink, so you might want to order a double next time.
14. You put too much ice in it.
More ice or less ice will not change the amount of alcohol in your drink, so nice try.
15. Can I put my purse behind the bar?
You’re kidding me, right?
16. Why don’t you guys have a coat check?
Do we look like a country club?
17. Turn the music up!
18. Why don’t you guys have TVs in here?
Because your mom forgot to install them.
19. I spilled my drink, can I get another one?
Only if you’re DJ Khaled.
20. Aren’t you supposed to shake that martini?
You’ve watched too many James Bond movies. I’ll only shake upon request.
21. That’s not how you make a Mojito!
I’m sorry… would you like to bartend? Be my guest. Matter of fact, I’ll give you this drink on the house if you can tell me the correct ingredients that go in a Mojito. Don’t worry I’ll wait.
22. Do you guys have Wi-Fi?
Depends if you order a drink or not.
23. What are the good nights here and when does it get busy?
Weekends and whenever you’re not here.
24. Will you take a picture of us?
If the bar isn’t busy then it shouldn’t be a problem.
25. We know the owner.
What a coincidence. So do we.
26. Can we pay half in cash and split the rest on six credit cards?
Technically you can. But at this point you are being so unreasonable that no matter how big of a tip you leave, you and your friends will forever be looked at as douchebags at the bar.
27. There’s no way I ordered all these drinks. I want to speak to your manager.
You’re drunk and I’m sober (or at least more sober than you are). We have no reason to overcharge you. So you can speak to our manager but one thing’s for sure, someone will be paying this tab at the end of the night and it sure as hell won’t be the bar.
28. Do you know how to make an Absolut Grey Purple Elephant Sunflower Pickle Shot?
What the hell is that? If you happen to know what’s in it, then we’ll make it. If you expect us to know every obscure drink you throw our way, we’ll just end up giving you some flavored vodka topped off with cranberry juice.
29. What can I get for $3?
Two bags of potato chips at the local 7-Eleven down the street.
30. So what’s your real job?
Sleeping with your mom.