For every person who is comfortable being single, there is someone else who has gone straight past ‘comfortable’ and is now veering into a deeply bleak territory. Family members worry about you. Friends try to set you up with any number of dates. Coworkers constantly nominate you for extra projects because they know you have no one to go home to. Because you, my friend, my curmudgeonly grumpy sourpuss of a friend. You are just forever and ever and ever alone.
1. Your favorite sleeping position is sprawled out, in the center of the bed, legs and arms in every possible different direction, with multiple pillows supporting key points of your body. Even if you sleep in a king-sized bed, where is anyone else supposed to fit?
2. The last time somebody hit on you, you secretly wondered if someone had put them up to a bet.
3. You think to yourself, “But, God, I don’t even like spending that much time with myself.”
4. The thought of splitting meals, dessert, or a wine bottle with anyone at all — even your best friend — is enough to make you want to use your fork as a weapon.
5. You have recently thought that Netflix knows you better than anyone else — and sharing your account with anyone else would seriously mess up your algorithm.
6. You deeply dislike shaving.
7. You’ve become so good at creating single-serving meals (or your secret eating habits are so abysmally weird) that cooking for another person is your personal Everest.
8. You’ve begun to consider your cat’s reaction to a prospective suitor as the make-or-break deal in dating.
9. Your cat hates everyone.
10. You’re growing more and more comfortable with the idea of making an “Okay, but if we’re 45 and neither of us has found anyone…” pact with your best friend (partially because you know they’ll actually find someone and you’ll be off the hook).
11. At this point, you feel like the most intimate relationship you have is with your barista. You actually don’t mind seeing them every morning.
12. It’s not that you don’t believe in “The One,” but you’re more inclined to believe that your personal “One” is a homemade mac-‘n-cheese recipe.
13. You never want any person you’re dating to see your grubbiest sweats (you know the ones) but you also don’t want to throw those bad boys out, so it’s the former that has to go.
14. You refer to people whom you only know by their Twitter handle as personal friends. (And you use their @ handle when you refer to them in real life.)
15. Your ability to dissuade the delivery guy into thinking that the sushi meal for 4 will actually serve four people is so on point, that you’d hate to let that skill go to waste.
16. I’m going to say two words, and I want you to gauge your reaction accordingly:
(If you threw up in your mouth a little bit, congratulations. You’re destined to be forever alone.)