1. OMG: I genuinely found what you just sent me so hilariously perfect that “haha” could not convey how in awe of you and your gif-game I am at the moment.
2. Lol: I’m not laughing, but I’m also not mad at you or completely ignoring your effort, so here’s your acknowledgement.
3. LOL: Actually laughing, good job.
4. Ugh: I’m not having it today, please pay attention to me and tell me I have a great ass for the thousandth time, I really need to hear that today.
5. Where are you?: I have been waiting outside this restaurant for 23 minutes and they will not seat us until you are here, so you had better have a good reason or I will insist you pick up the whole tip as a repentance.
6. kk: Everything’s copacetic and I am completely in agreement with this plan, love you!
7. k: I’m too lazy to type out “okay” and we’re at the point where that’s acceptable and you know what I mean.
8. What’re you up to today?: I actually don’t care, cancel whatever it is, because I am going through a thing.
9. [emoji emoji emoji emoji emoji emoji]: There is nothing all that noteworthy for me to say in response, but I know you are looking for some validation, and I love you and do not want to let you down, so HERE! Have a random smattering of pixels to better express what would look redundant if I put it into words.
10. Brunch tomorrow?: I’m feeling particularly wine-happy this fine Saturday night and looking forward to pressing on with this high in the form of you, mimosas, bacon, and bagels.
11. Stop.: You’re actually cracking me up but I’m too lazy to type all of those “hahas” to show you how much I’m laughing so somehow I’m expecting “stop” to do the trick.
12. Stop (no period): Okay, I am going to talk you off this ledge now because I am your built-in therapist but just know that I have told you that you’re wonderful 80,000 times in the past, and so I would not be bothering to give you ANOTHER pep talk if I did not actually mean it.
13. Do you remember so-and-so?: Because I have the juiciest story about them, and you’re going to die.
14. I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU: It’s been a day and a half since we last spoke, and I need to tell you what I had for lunch, what my crush just tweeted so we can dissect it, my new shirt, what my mom said when she called (she says hi, by the way), an interaction with someone we mutually dislike… [and on for infinity.]
15. [Screenshot of something ridiculous someone just said/tweeted/updated]: Please join me in feigning complete outrage. I’m bored.
16. Hi, I love you: I’m bored, talk to me.
17. You’re my best friend ever ever ever I love you so much: I’m plastered but I actually do love you. So.