Timing is a really tricky beast when it comes to getting a commitment from the person you’re with. They might actually be marriage material in a way long term sense, but you might have showed up at the wrong time to get anything deeper.
If you’re wondering why the person you’re with isn’t making a deeper commitment to you, these 5 things might be the real reason why they aren’t moving closer to settling down with you:
1. They are currently at a life stage where a committed relationship is NOT a priority.
Is your person going through higher education, recently out of a serious relationship or dealing with a lot of ex drama? Are they working really hard toward something in their life besides you that they are totally focused on?
Then they’re probably not thinking about settling down right now. Getting them to say yes to your marriage proposal or give you a rock isn’t very likely. They might genuinely love you and be cool with having an ongoing relationship with you, even one where they see you all the time. But if they’re not in an emotional space where they can handle further responsibilities, it might be a considerable wait before they’re ready to settle down— if it happens with you at all.
2. They say they never want to get married.
Weirdly enough, this super-obvious condition is the one I get the most email about.
People ask questions like these:
She says she never wants to get married, do you think she’ll change her mind?
We’re in love, and he doesn’t believe in marriage. How long should I wait?
Sure, people change their minds about things all the time. The problem is that ignoring the cold, hard reality never pays off. What you want— to get married— isn’t what this person wants.
Trying to change their mind by morphing into super boy/girlfriend just screws up your own confidence and happiness. If you want a commitment and they very clearly don’t see themselves taking that step, respect their position and take their word on it.
3. Emotional baggage for miles.
Emotional rollercoasters do not create situations where people are dying to settle down. If they’ve recently been divorced, abused or are working through a stressful time, they are bound to be hard to tie down. Sometimes waiting and helping someone through the situation works, sometimes not— it’s very circumstantial.
4. You feel like a temporary place holder.
Things like 1AM booty calls, not being a priority and their staunch avoidance of introducing you to their friends or family is a dead giveaway that this pairing is probably not going anywhere. They don’t see you as marriage material— and most likely never will. Of all of the situations on this list, this one is the most doomed. If you really want to settle down, have the hard talk and move on from this type of casual fling. Trying to turn it into anything more is a recipe for pain and frustration.
5. Your life goals don’t line up.
If you want a drastically different life than they do over the long term, the fact that they don’t want to tie you down is actually a big huge blessing in disguise. Love does not conquer all. It waxes and wanes. Beneath it all, you MUST have a sense that your lives are going in the exact same direction for something to work out in the long run. You might feel like this is the greatest love the world has ever known, but trying to bring them home and domesticate them just isn’t going to work out.
You might be ready to settle down, yesterday. But remember that one major key to getting a commitment is to pick someone who is ready for that and wants the same things as you. Otherwise, you’re in for a tremendously uphill battle.