The other day at my nerdy retail job, I was once again reminded that I don’t get paid enough when a middle-aged stranger (as he was purchasing Playboy and a bar of Godiva chocolate) licked his lips and said, “You should call me. I could look into those big, beautiful eyes all night. Are you Persian?” Good lord.
It’s no secret that my workplace breeds the occasional overly-flirtatious man. Perhaps it’s some sort of power-trip that guys need to ride in order to feel masculine, or maybe it’s because we sell The Pick-Up Artist (written by a man named Mystery–enough said). No matter the reason, hitting on a girl while she’s just trying to do her job needs to stop. It’s uncomfortable.
We are not vaginas with legs.
When my sister told me a man approached her on the streets of LA to let her know that he wanted to see what she tasted like, I couldn’t help but wonder: Are these guys really douchebags without a cure or do they just need a refresher in the course of R-E-S-P-E-C-T 101?
Despite the fact that we’re from different planets, men and women have come a long way in terms of understanding one another. Nonetheless, there are certain female truths that men have yet to grasp. In order to speed up the learning curve for the benefit of both sexes, I’m revealing 10 things that some men (let’s call them Martians) still don’t know–but really, really should.
1. We don’t like to be sexually harassed by strange men.
My boyfriend, yes. Random customer, no. If we smile in your direction while we are at work, it’s because we’re paid to do so. We might even ask you how your day was. It’s called excellent customer service. Nothing more.
2. We don’t want to hear about her.
We want to be complimented, hugged, and adored. What we don’t want is to see you checking out other women. We’re smart enough to know you’re gonna do it, just respect us enough to do it at least 100 yards away. Also, telling us you find another girl attractive will be offensive no matter how you say it. Don’t even get me started on exes.
3. Periods aren’t contagious.
She’s not Carrie. She’s your girlfriend. You can touch her. Just be patient with her mood swings or she might bite your head off like those praying mantis bitches.
4. We don’t care how much money you have or how big you are.
It’s about knowing how to work with what ya got. Gold-diggers excluded, women just want to feel loved. However, there’s a difference from being with someone who is broke and motivated versus someone who is broke and watching cartoons everyday. Hey, Captain Obvious: We prefer the motivated type.
5. If you love her, tell her.
Because what the hell are you waiting for?
6. We don’t care what you think about our high-waisted shorts.
A writer at Total Frat Move recently wrote that high-waisted shorts are only for supermodels and that they make great asses disappear. Hate to break it to you, dude, but we’re not dressing for you. Women, wear whatever the fuck you want as long as it makes you feel good. But can we stop trying to make overalls happen?
7. Just because your ex-girlfriend broke your heart, that doesn’t mean all women are assholes.
Once you’ve moved on, leave the wreckage of your past behind. If you’re involved with someone who thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, do your relationship a favor and trust the girl.
8. “Fine” is never an appropriate response if we ask you how we look.
9. We love that you’re into DIY projects.
In the age of Siri and bearded hipsters, we really appreciate a man that knows how to fix anything on his own. With a toolbox. That’s a man who earned his beard. Other qualities we find sexy: Your ability to read a map, your playful demeanor with kids, and the fact that you can drive stick. Hot.
10. If you aren’t interested, directly tell her.
Honesty is key. My girlfriend got stood up the other night by a guy who didn’t have the balls to cancel respectfully. This really shouldn’t still be happening.