At the ripe old age of 28, after seven years of marriage, I suddenly found myself single again. My first sexual experience after my divorce, well, let’s just say it was less than sexy. I might even go so far as to say it was awkward, clumsy…and let’s please stop talking about it.
These days, though, I feel prettttty confident in my sexual skills. Sure, I’ve had the occasional awkward moment or failed maneuver (who hasn’t?), but for the most part I’m a gold-medal status Olympian when it comes to the parts of my life spent naked. (Like this girl, who had dirty, outdoor sex to save her relationship.)
But lest you think I’m overly-cocky; my partners—yes, partners as in plural because I’m polyamorous—agree with my assessment and actually weighed in on what they thought made me an artist at my craft:
1. I’m confident.
I’ve had two kids, several surgeries, and I still consider myself to be damn good-looking, for no other reason than I consider myself to be damn good-looking. Seriously, what’s up with all these beautiful women being so shy about their bodies? Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, but the respect they get depends on the confidence they command. Sure, I have days where I look in the mirror and think, “Eh, there’s not much to work with today,” but I take what I do have and I work it! The sex is always better when both parties feel lucky to be with the other person and a large part of that comes with being confident in my own skin.
2. I know what I like.
How can I expect someone else to please me if I don’t even know how to please myself? Finding new and creative things to do with my partner is fantastic, but I also made sure I knew myself in and out first by exploring my own body to figure out what I like. Now I am able to give my partner a nudge in the right direction. Have you ever had one of those moments where your partner was oh-so-close to hitting the exact right spot and then … didn’t? It’s the worst, right? Rather than being afraid of hurting my partner’s feelings, I’m pretty up front with the “Right there, keep doing that, no, don’t do that again, and yes, yes, YES!” I’m not bossy about what I want, but I DO give specific instructions, which makes it better for me and helps my partner understand what gets me off. Win/win.
3. I ask what they like.
Spending the majority of my sexy time trying to guess whether I’m doing the right thing SUCKS, so I cut the crap and just ask. People are different, bodies are different, and there’s no point wasting time doing something that’s not going to hit the mark. You can please your partner best when you actually know how they like to be pleased. (You’d be surprised how many people just don’t ask.) I’ll never forget the time I performed something I’m too embarrassed to share out loud, thinking my man would like it, only to look up and witness sheer terror on his face. Yep, asking what he liked in advance definitely would have saved me from a memory I’d rather not have.
4. I’m not afraid to try something new.
Sure, new things can be scary, but they can also be a hell of a lot of fun. The first time I walked into an adult shop, I made it two steps in before my eyes fell out of my head and I ran back to the car to say a couple of Hail Mary’s to cleanse my soul. Nowadays, I’m the one begging my guy to pull over when I see an adult shop. If you had asked me two years ago what kind of sex I liked, I would’ve said, “In the dark, lights off, under the sheets.” These days, it’s all, “Grab the flavored condoms and lets hope we don’t get arrested!” (And you know what? Even if I did, well, the sex may have been worth it because it’s THAT good.)
5. I seize the moment.
I don’t confine my sex life to the walls of my house; I seize the moment whenever the opportunity presents itself. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was sex that I wasn’t expecting in places I never would have dreamed of having it. (Cough, cough, major traffic jam on the highway.) Let’s just say what could have been a frustrating day turned out to be one of the most exhilarating moments of my life.
6. I don’t fake my orgasms.
Sometimes I just don’t want to have sex. So … I don’t. (Needless to say, I vehemently disagree with this article.) I used to try and fake my way through it when I wasn’t in the mood just to please my partner, until I realized he spent part of every sex sesh wondering if I was actually enjoying myself or just doing it for him. Now I’m honest with my partners and if I don’t feel like doing it, I don’t—plain and simple. And when we are in the moment, he knows it’s because I really want to be there.
7. I’m flexible.
Yes, I’m literally flexible (I teach a sexy stripping class, which helps), but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the type of flexibilty that allows you to adapt to new situations. Sex is a lot more interesting when it’s not confined to “after dinner and before bed.” Lunchtime sex date? Heck yes! Does your husband work overnight? If you can (I know it’s tough), make the effort to be waiting for him when he gets home in nothing but a robe and that bangin’ bod of yours. Sex changes throughout the years, we all know that. Just make sure you don’t neglect it, because if you do, everything else will suffer, too. Trust me. It’s like a domino effect.
8. I don’t care about the ending.
Well, I do care a little bit, but surprisingly, I don’t care about my orgasms as much as I do the foreplay. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey,” and that applies to sex, too. If my orgasm is dependent on the stimulation needed to get to that point, logic would say that the better the journey, the better the destination. I don’t spend all my time trying to get us to the big moment; I just relax, enjoy the journey, and usually the moment happens on its own for me and my partner. (And if it doesn’t, the travels are well worth it!)
9. I cut myself some slack.
There’s so much pressure these days to be amazing at sex. Everywhere I look are sexy supermodels, sexy porn stars, sexy this, sexy that. Want to know a secret that’s actually not really a secret? Sometimes I’m just not sexy. At all. Sometimes I suck at sex and sometimes I fail miserably to please my partner. (I’m still on good terms with the guy who didn’t freak out when I accidentally bit his junk. Sorry guy, I still feel bad about that.) When the unfortunate happens, I don’t carry it with me or spend my time feeling bad about it. I let it go, like that Elsa chick. Give yourself a break and don’t kill the mood for next time by hanging on a minor mishap. We’re all human.