Crying in public is something winners do. It’s the ultimate mark of bravery, something that can only be properly executed by those with tact, sharp instincts, unparalleled hiding skills, and tremendous sadness. Please do not try this at home.*
*Because crying at home is for pussies and people who can afford therapy.
1. Your car
Your car is like the main textbook for Crying In Public 101. First of all, it will allow you to travel to any public place where you might need to have a good sob or five. Second of all, it gives you the chance to cry in parking lots, which have plenty of foot traffic for prime people watching. Third of all, it protects you from any interruption from the outside world (except for police officers and mall cops on segways).
2. The middle of the park
Lay down in the cool grass and let the tears nourish the ground below you. People will just think you’re taking a nap, tanning, or crying, in which case they will avoid you in order to protect themselves and/or their children.
3. The religious section of any bookstore
People will just think you’re on a spiritual journey. They might even make recommendations or give you overzealous pamphlets. Fun!
4. In the line at airport security
Everyone will think that you just said goodbye to your boyrfriend, girlfriend, family, pet, cool job, whatever! It doesn’t matter! No one at airport security cares about you and everyone is some level of unhappy anyway.
5. On an airplane
Nothing like a good cry in the sky, am I right?
6. The back of any bus
Buses were basically built for crying. If you’re on the back of the bus, everyone can see you and register your sadness when they get on, but is free to turn their back to you or avert their gaze as soon as they sit down. Ideal.
7. The waiting area at a CVS or Walgreen’s pharmacy
No one will question your sadness because everyone there is waiting for something to fix themselves or someone else in some way, so everyone will kind of just look at you like, “don’t we all?”
8. A child’s birthday party
Children’s birthday parties are notoriously boring, exhausting, and generally weird for adults to attend. You can mix each sob with something like, “they grow up so fast!” and still somehow look sane. Sentimental, even.
9. A wedding
The ceremony is better than the reception, but that choice is purely about your own signature bawling style. People pretend to tear up during the vows at someone’s wedding every damn day, so you may as well deliver a convincing performance. It’s giving what the people want. If you can pull off a good cry during someone’s shitty toast, I salute you.
10. The shower and locker room at your gym
Working out releases endorphins. So does crying, probably. Bonus: you might have the whole place to yourself once people get uncomfortable and decide to get a protein shake to kill time.
11. Any piece of workout equipment in the gym
Come to think of it, why cry after your workout when you could just cry during? People will assume it’s sweat, and/or that you are working out so hard that you are in physical and emotional distress. #FitFam #Lifestyle #EveryDamnDay
12. A beach lifeguard stand
Lifeguards are there to keep us safe. People with injuries sometimes linger at the lifeguard stand. Why not join them and show them just how empathetic you are? Also, lifeguard stands are just cool and they might feel bad for you and let you sit up there with them.
13. The line at any fast food place
Bonus points if it’s Cinnabon. Triple bonus points if it’s White Castle. West coast snob bonus points if it’s In N’ Out. Crying will probably burn at least 1/150th of the thousands of calories you’re about to consume.
14. A speed dating event
You get to cry to at least five strangers for two minutes at a time before someone quietly asks you to leave. Who knows? You might meet your sobbing soulmate. It’s also a widespread Hollywood secret that Lana Del Rey goes when she needs material.
15. Self-checkout at your local grocery store
No cashier to judge you here, man. Just grab 15 items or less and cry your way through the bagging process while onlookers wonder if there’s something horribly wrong with the machine.
16. In the rain
Just as good as it looks in the movies, babe.
17. The computer lab at any college, especially community college
Join droves of stressed out college kids in their emotionally raw prime. Cry it out. You’ll blend in even better if you cry in front of a computer screen that shows only a blank MS Word document.
18. The microfilm section of the library
No one is here, but everyone in the other sections can definitely hear you!
19. The produce section of any grocery store
Vegetables make everyone sad. Sometimes they’re expensive. Onions induce tears when you chop them, so if you can find a way to incorporate that, you are truly an artist.
20. A spooky hay ride, haunted house, or corn maze
Fear=tears. Getting lost=tears. People trying really hard to have fun doing something that’s often totally underwhelming and mad disappointing=all of the tears.
21. A pet store
Animals are cute and give people feelings. You can even hold them and whisper things like “it’s gonna be okay” and people will make up some tragic background story for you in your heads. In that regard, this might be a great way to start a romance based on a lie. Two birds, one stone (not literally, please do not take stones to the bird section of any pet store).
22. A modern art museum
Douchebags will think you’re a hero. Normal people will think you’re bored. Everyone wins.
23. A show, performance, or screening of any kind
Blame it on how great or terrible the thing is that’s happening in front of you. You might get a job offer to be a critic for the culture section of the New York Times.
24. Historical landmarks where people take keepsake photos
Others will think you’re deeply connected to whatever took place there. You will photobomb their vacation memories forever. Nice.
25. Dressing rooms
Retail employees hate their jobs and will appreciate the entertainment value of this diversion, since they’ll probably have to tell their boss or make fun of you with a co-worker. Fellow dressing room patrons will sympathize with you because everything sucks and nothing fits anyone ever.
26. Against the shoulder of a stranger on a crowded subway
There’s nothing they can do! You’re packed like sardines. Tiny, sweaty, sobbing sardines.
27. With your head resting on any flat surface anywhere, really
The world is your oyster. Go forth and cry, sob, bawl, or let tears gently roll down your cheeks in the direction of your dreams.