1. Mascara as eyeliner.
Just poke it into the corner a bunch and smudge it. Smoky eye, right? Sure.
2. Eyeliner as eyeshadow.
I’ll just kind of rub this into the crease…and keep rubbing…and maybe I’ll do a smoky eye?
3. Eyeshadow as eyebrow filler.
Brown powder is brown powder. Unless it has a dreaded shimmer, in which case you end up looking like a weird sparkly Twilight vampire.
4. Eyebrow filler as eyeliner.
Defines anything with the word “eye” in it, right?
5. Eyeliner as eyebrow filler.
You know what, let’s just go ahead and use one eye thing for all the eye things.
6. Eyebrow filler as eyeshadow.
Yeah, just rub that one color everywhere and…now I’m a panda, I guess?
7. Eyeshadow as blush/highlighter/bronzer.
It’s a rosy shade. Now I have a rosy glow! An…all-over rosy glow. I’m just very full of life and vitality, okay?!
8. Blush as a lipstain/lipstick.
If I put gloss over this, maybe it won’t feel like I’m rubbing flour on my mouth.
9. Lipstick as blush.
Just like you did when you were five. Like fingerpainting, really.
10. Blush/bronzer as a cleavage-enhancer.
You read this in Cosmopolitan once, right? Done wrong, this can give you a shadow that looks a lot like chest hair. Tread lightly.
11. A push up bra as a fun accessory.
If I let these cheetah print bra straps and demi-cup trim slip out of my shirt, it’s like a fun, edgy look for a night out. Or it’s Snooki. It is probably Snooki, isn’t it?
12. A bracelet in place of a hairtie.
Because this spiky metal chain stretch bangle won’t hurt at all when I pull it out of the things that are attached to my scalp.
13. A hairtie as a beloved accessory.
At a certain point, your hairtie becomes your most intimate relationship in the world: you sleep, eat, shower, and cry with it. You almost hate seeing it off your own wrist, and god forbid a friend asks if you have one and then sees the one right there on your wrist. “Hold on, I might have another…errr, a better one in my bag…”
14. A pair of underwear as a hairtie.
Clean underwear, hopefully.
15. Shampoo as body wash, and body wash as face wash.
All sodium lauryl sulfates are created equal, right?
16. Hairspray as body spray.
If I spray this in front of me and then walk into it, I’ll smell fabulous! And be sticky. And resistant to humidity? Tight.
17. Perfume as deodorant.
Forgot to use antiperspirant? Just cover it with a layer of scented alcohols that will dry your skin and cause you to sweat. Duh.
18. Your finger as a toothbrush.
Did you really think I was going to go to brunch hungover with bad breath? No. I will not smell the way I feel, I have a shred of dignity left, and that shred relies on my ability to scrub the grossness off of my own teeth with my own finger. Classy.