1. “You actually look really cute there!”
You looking cute is just about as rare as Charlie Sheen looking sane! Cute!
2. “Yeah, definitely!”
A completely empty response that 100% feigned enthusiasm with absolutely zero commitment. Perfection.
3. “Only you could pull that look off.”
…Because no one else would ever want to.
4. “Wow, that sounds really cool.”
I have no idea what you just said to me and I wish you would shut up about it forever.
Whatever you said was either so boring or bizarre that I can’t even be bothered to use more than four syllables to react to it.
6. “Oh, you don’t _____? Weird!”
Oh, you don’t drink beer? Oh, you’re cutting cheese out of your diet? Oh, you listen to everything but country? How interesting! Tell me more, please! No, I have never heard anyone in the history of my entire existence say that painfully original thing that you just said! How very weird and quirky of you, you beautiful-special-snowflake-unicorn hybrid of a person.
7. “Honey, you poor thing.”
Pet names are just bad news. Sweetie can be the most patronizing word in the english language if done right. Double evil points if this is delivered by someone with a southern accent.
8. “You’ll be fine.”
I don’t care about your problem and I no longer have any time for it, please take one step to the side and out of my path, thank you very much.
9. “That seems like a great idea! You do you!”
‘You’ is something that ‘me’ would never do, so whatever ‘you’ do, just make it all ‘you,’ girl.
10. “Are you going to eat that?”
*ALERT* This girl is trying to tell you not to eat real food. Step away from her. She will have you juicing kale real, real quick.
11. “Are you wearing that out tonight?”
There is no reason for anyone to ask this question unless they are A) worried you will look cuter than them or B) considering themselves a future ‘stylist.’ Either way, avoid the undercover outfit police.
12. “You are just so funny!”
I can’t take the joke you just said or I really just think you’re an asshole and that maybe, just maybe, if I comment on how funny you are, you’ll be pleased with yourself and stop trying.
13. “Aw, you look tired.”
Damn, you look like shit and I am so mean that I actually want you to know it. Extra evil points if “honey” is tagged on at the end of this.
14. “So glad you’re doing well, we have to catch up sometime.”
*I yell over my shoulder at the local mall as I run away from you forever, sweating and praying never to run into another person I know again.*
15. “Nice. Congrats. Sounds cool.”
You’ve told me about this achievement at least 300 times and I don’t know if I’m even happy for you anymore.
Like my very traditional and real grandmother who definitely existed and said things to me always said, “when life gives you lemons, throw shade on those lemons until they can no longer prosper.”
17. “JESUS, you look so thin!”
The most toxic of them all. Instead of congratulating you on your recent weight loss and healthier lifestyle, this comment is meant to make even your best seem like your worst. Kick this person out of your life immediately. Or push them in front of a school bus. Whichever.