Christopher Hudspeth

For those of us with a filter and some insecure tendencies, liking and being liked is hard labor. We carry around a lumpy sack full of giant turnoffs, like a self-conscious Santa Clause.

That last slice of pizza is yours. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

When you tell somebody that they “look good today,” it’s important to realize that the more astonished you appear, the less of a compliment it becomes.

Are we supposed to be dating? Or are we more like good friends? Special buddies? No, not special buddies, that just sounds awkward. Hmm, maybe this is just about hooking up mostly. So like, are we one of those whatever with benefits type deals?

Sign up for a free trial of something that you’ll forget to cancel, thus earning yourself a full-blown membership.

Come across something that you don’t need, need — but you’re convinced that you could really use (e.g. new bath towels, a Frappuccino maker, etc.). Place all of them in your cart with the utmost confidence.

Love shouldn’t make someone feel like a bother. We shouldn’t be able to empathize with a pesky gnat at a picnic, being shooed away.

As for extremely jealous, controlling situations — those typically aren’t going to end well, so walking (or even briskly jogging) away isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

When you’re starving for their time and attention, this is an opportunity for sustenance. The scraps and crumbs of their busy schedule will serve as nourishment. Very little, but that’s better than nothing.

Horrifying spelling. A text riddled with basic errors can be a deal breaker. Not abbreviations — but messages that look like the Zodiac-killer wrote them and take forever to decode.

Unsolved Mysteries is the reason why I watch my garage door go all the way down – because if I don’t, a killer will most definitely slide under at the last second.

I’ve shot airsoft guns, paintball guns, water guns, Nerf guns, staple guns – every type of gun that isn’t actual bullets.

Am I supposed to smile while everybody sings? Or do I modestly laugh? Do I make eye contact with people individually, or glance by all of them? Would it be corny if I did that little orchestra conductor thing? Yeah, that’d be corny.

I’ve mastered the art of changing topics, deflecting and using sarcasm to escape the grasps of any intimate or layered question thrown my way. It’s not a purposeful, focused defensive plan — it’s more of an uncontrollable curse.

An awkward person with a cell phone in a social environment is the equivalent to MacGyver having a Swiss Army knife while in a bind.

As embarrassing and preposterous as this is, people consider Facebook’s ‘In a relationship’ label to be the equivalent of an online wedding band.

i judst looive yyou n muiss u soo mucjh. Pls txct bacck PLEEASE!!1, is not the type of thing we want waking us in the middle of the night, or altering our good spirits.

Be certain that you’re not rushing into things. It’s not as simple as sharing a shower, owning his and hers robes, and having sex frequently.