The Same Selfie, Different Angle
The people who post seven photos of their face from borderline identical perspectives, with the exact same expression are worthy of so much cringe. Now everyone else has to see this and absorb the secondhand embarrassment for them. It’s like you’re being put on the cross of humiliation, paying for their social media sins.
The Look At Me, I’m Such A Good Person
Sweet photo of you handing a homeless person a dollar, but what if next time you just performed the kind gesture without being motivated by potential Instagram Likes. This always feels icky and insincere, like a politician trying to overcompensate for their scumbag ways by being photographed shaking hands and kissing babies.
The One That’s Meant For Their Ex To See
When someone is fresh out of a relationship and clearly trying to make their ex jealous by sharing pictures of themselves being excessively happy, don’t double tap. It’s always something like “I’m backstage at some vaguely famous DJ’s concert having a BLAST!” or “Here’s a photo of my new hairstyle that I kind of regret getting but it’s different so I’ll show it in the hopes that my ex will feel oddly irritated that I’ve drastically changed my physical appearance.”
The Profound Quote Under A Basic Selfie
Why is it socially acceptable to take someone’s brilliant words and place them under a picture of your face? Even if you have a really symmetrical, pleasant face, isn’t that a little arrogant to do? Try to recall the most intelligent thought you’ve ever had – how would you like it if some ninny associated your nugget of genius with their mugshot? God forbid they don’t even cite their sources, and your uncredited quote suddenly becomes some pucker-lipped fooligan’s claim to Instagram fame.
The Cryptic Mystery
A picture of an unexplained sonogram. A photo of an engagement ring. A caption-less image of a car accident. We know these unclear posts are parched, and the only thing that’ll quench that thirst is attention. This person wants super curious commenters who are at their mercy, seeking a sliver of information, therefor we should give them nothing. Not a comment, not a like, no satisfaction whatsoever. Let their post sit there until it dehydrates and is shamefully deleted.
The “Contest” Entry
Hey, look, we all like free stuff, but here’s the thing about trying to win prizes on Instagram: just no. Do people honestly believe that some spam account is going to give them a $500 Visa gift card for following and sharing a photo of their page? This post deserves no likes, not in a rude way, but to avoid encouraging this type of I-fall-for-pyramid-schemes behavior.
The Meal Prep
Congratulations on committing to the same lunch all week, but does anyone truly need to see five Tupperware containers full of under-seasoned chicken breasts and asparagus?
When you lack personality these days, a great way to still be popular is to have some type of noteworthy aesthetic shtick. A thing about your physical appearance that can offset your dullness. What are your goals in life? I don’t know, but look how nice my butt is in these photos! How would you describe yourself? Well, I have a beard, so I’m really into talking about beards and posting memes about how cool guys with beards are. These are things people do, that need not be showered with social media admiration.
The Hashtag Overload
Yes, hashtags are a way to get more likes and followers, but when you have to leave an extra comment on your post to fit all of your hashtags, perhaps it’s time to chill out. An essay’s worth of hashtags makes it take longer to scroll past the post, giving that person’s followers extra tenths of a second to be irritated at the high levels of desperation.
The Celebrity Parody Twitter Account Screenshot
Not only is it from a different social media platform, but it’s from a blatantly fake account. If we wanted to read what impostor Wiz Khalifa had to say, we’d ram our heads into a wall until we lost enough brain cells to care, then go on Twitter to read it.