When we hear of deep fried Oreos and deep fried cereal and deep fried Snickers bars at the state fair we think, wow, that sounds incredibly unhealthy but also kind of innovative and delicious. Shockingly there were fried treat pioneers back in the day, making beer battered sliced apples, covered in powdered sugar. I don’t think you heard me, I said BEER BATTERED SLICED APPLES COVERED IN POWDERED SUGAR. That puts any modern fried goodies to shame and it has apples so you can feel like you’re being as healthy as possible, in terms of eating garbage.
Peeres in Confyt
WINE LOVERS TAKE NOTICE. Here are the 4 simple steps:
1. Peel a pear.
2. Soak the pair in water & wine.
3. Make syrup out of sugar, ginger and wine.
4. Cover the pear in the aforementioned syrup and try not to make too much noise while you have multiple, uncontrollable mouthgasms.
Gravé of Small Birds
The name of this dish is pretty dark, but it’s actually just chicken being boiled with other delicious ingredients that include red wine and pieces of bacon. Imagine the flavor punch that succulent chicken was packing. If KFC and Popeyes want to build successful 14th century dining into the menu, this luxurious cuisine better be their first course of action.
Mylates of Pork
COOKED PORK, EGGS and MOZZARELLA? By their powers combined, I am thoroughly intrigued by this meal. Here’s the best part — they’d mix those three ingredients with pine nuts, salt and something called powder fort, which is basically a super kick-ass hybrid spice that consists of ginger, cinnamon, cloves, grains of paradise (seriously, that’s what it’s called), cubebs and black pepper, all joining forces as one. That’s the most pleasant sounding group of spices since Scary, Sporty, Baby, Posh & Ginger. Anyway, this concoction only gets more magical because you put it in piecrust and bake that enchanted Mylates of Pork at 350° like there’s no tomorrow… or until golden brown.
It’s toast covered in next level jelly that makes me wonder how we regressed to jars of mediocrity that pale in comparison. I don’t think we were ready for this jelly, which was made mostly of honey & red wine, boiled and turned into a thick syrup. Aside from the French, who brilliantly drench their bread in cinnamon, milk & eggs, toast it and douse it in maple syrup, this sounds like elite grub and the greatest thing since sliced bread, which is also a crucial component of this creation.
This is a pretty self-explanatory dish and it further convinces me that everything in the 14th century was made in piecrust or with red wine. Chicken potpies would instantly take a backseat to much sexier pies filled with salmon fillet.
Essentially these are fried crackers that seem to be Ritz meets tortilla chips – a snack concept that I’m absolutely onboard with. Rumor has it that sometimes they’d coat these things in sugar for a dessert, which means that somewhere along the way a delicious treat hater destroyed all of the cruste rolle and replaced it with horrible sweets like Peeps and black licorice.
For asparagus lovers this is a no brainer. It seems today that the popular way to cook asparagus is to drench it in butter, which is tasty, but in medieval times they’d spice and cook onions, then serve the sautéed onions on top of the asparagus. Grubbing on this specific bellytimber sounds great because then not only would your pee smell funky, but your breath would match it.
The name sounds like lasagna and it’s pretty similar to that, but there isn’t marinara, tomato meat sauce. This meal features Muenster cheese (my personal favorite) covering sheets of pasta and the recipe uses one of my favorite words when talking delicious foods: layers.
Tartys In Applis
Long before there were Pop-Tarts existed something called Tartys in Applis. Obviously this tart was significantly fresher and higher quality in the sense that it was made of actual fruit, but the downside is that they require more effort to make than dropping two square blocks in a toaster. Also Tartys in Applis didn’t come in flavors like Hot Fudge Sundae, Confetti Cupcake or Wildlicious ® Wild! Berry, but in the spirit of unprocessed food, let’s give this and other red wine infused goodies a comeback.