Pop-Tart (Untoasted & Depressingly Cold)
You’ve got things and stuff to do today – like, RIGHT NOW. You probably steal bonus sleep or indulge in a special morning habit, leaving pre-baked pastries at room temperature as your default breakfast option. I’m sorry this is real life for you, but stay strong. Sizzling bacon, warm eggs, or any hot edibles can be your future if you believe.
Oh, well la-di-da you fancy, hot treat eating individual. You’re in grade school, or you’re just a grown up with a small amount of time and a puny appetite. The fact that you have a spare minute or so to toast it does indicate that you maintain a schedule well enough to never have to experience the disappointing monstrosity that is untoasted Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
Eggs, bacon, toast, etc.
You’re an old, retired person or your name is Walt Jr. or you have a butler/generous parent because ain’t nobody in the coveted 18-34 year old range got time for full blown breakfast these days. Between waking up and getting 5 more minutes of rest and checking Twitter and checking Facebook and checking Instagram and going back to check Twitter so you can clarify what one of the Instagram posts was in reference to, most of us are just far too busy for a full meal. I mean, rumors swirled about these alleged “complete breakfasts” and the parts that composed them years ago on cereal commercials, but they were hard to hear over the chomping of Cap’n Crunch. If you’re this person, I, and most others envy you.
Omelette you finish, but how lucky must one be to eggsperience such luxurious breakfasts. Eggscuse the rest of us who are scrambling every morning and can’t sit around eating for an eggstended period of time. You must make decent money, otherwise how would you afford daily dining out? Alright, this is getting eggs-hausting, I’ll quit shelling out jyolkes… Bacon.
You are Jamie Lee Curtis and if your poops came out as often as your Activia commercials did, well, you wouldn’t really need to make said commercials now would you? Completely off topic, Freaky Friday was just wonderful and one of my last memories before crap got hard in Jamie’s body and Lindsay’s life.
You’re an artist? You’re a five year old who is looking forward to folding sheets of construction paper hamburger and hotdog style at school today? Those are the only two viable options here.
You are taking advantage of being a free, decision making adult to the maximum. And hey, even the food pyramid says to use fats, oils & sweets sparingly so consider every single morning sparingly. If it’s jelly filled, even better. Strawberry is fruit, the donut it basically bread and you’re essentially the healthiest of the unhealthy.
You care about the feelings and well being of others, which is why you are having your morning coffee to keep you from being in irritable, snappy, malicious Hulk-smash mode. You probably have a strenuous day of work approaching, and this is going to keep you awake, alert and at least a little bit patient. Often times customers and co-workers don’t realize that they’re only a missed cup of coffee away from being face to face with a vicious monster.
You are a promise keeper, which is why you’re fulfilling the requests of 12-year-old you, who always wanted this to happen. They said “Grow up,” and you said “Meh, I guess I will but Toucan Sam is coming with me, so deal. It’s worth noting that NOBODY eats just one bowl of cereal for breakfast and leaves it alone for the day. Cereal in the morning means cereal will be making cameos throughout the day for a second, third or sixth serving as a snack.
You go to the gym a lot and basically make friends and family uncomfortable with their diets and bodies. You and your diced cantaloupe do more damage to humanity than you realize, God forbid you post a photo of some diced pineapples on Instagram and make Homer Simpson from the donuts-for-breakfast point feel terrible for inhaling pink frosted delectables.
Hotel continental breakfasts
Obviously you have a job that requires a great deal of traveling, therefor you wind up in hotels often enough for it to be feasible here. You get to put your gluttony to the test as you decide you take advantage of or consume the bare minimum of stale Frosted Flakes & hard croissants, all while praying they’ll have the beautiful unicorn that is a waffle bar.
You eat large lunch servings after skipping early grub opportunities. Folks with morning appetites don’t understand how anyone could pass on their beloved first meal, but many people don’t believe the hype. Is breakfast overrated? I don’t think anyone would say so entirely. Breakfast foods are like love: They can be amazing, but if the timing is wrong it’s such a letdown. For those who aren’t hungry in mornings, breakfast for dinner is Rachel & Ross figuring things out in season 10 – destiny joining two things when they’re meant to be.