1. Not planning anything, ever. Only agreeing to partake in festivities that are happening in the very near future or that exact moment is common procedure these days. While spontaneity is a thing of beauty, penciling in premeditated hang-outs occasionally won’t kill you.
2. Bashing any type of faith. The casualness with which people are willing to mock or criticize those who believe in God baffles me. We’re all entitled to put out trust in a higher power, science or whatever we choose to believe, but judging and mocking the beliefs of others is offensive and shouldn’t be nearly as common as it is.
3. Pants. I hate ‘em, and I know a lot of you do too. Really dress codes in general are wearing on my patience, but indecent exposure fines would empty the pockets that I wouldn’t have on my pant-less bottom.
4. Grown adults with poor hygiene. Hey, stinky grown ups — if you have access to soap and showers and deodorant, and there wherewithal to know how funky you are, why do you continue smelling like you should glow in the dark? Use that body wash and don’t be bashful! YOU DON’T HAVE TO SMELL LIKE HOT GARBAGE. YOU CAN BE BETTER. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.
5. The misconception that silence = awkward. Silence is golden, but instead of leaving it be, people insist on filling its void with small talk. Ramblings about weather, how-are-you’s, current events and other topics that neither party is genuinely interested in discussing. I mean seriously, if the options are my thoughts on scattered storms and absolutely nothing, wouldn’t you prefer the sound of me not doing my best Al Roker impression?
6. Answering things. A knock at the door, your vibrating phone, the holler from across the room by the person who clearly sees that you’re wearing headphones. Why are you considered rude if you don’t feel like greeting an unexpected call for conversational duty? If the ‘Ignore’ button didn’t do such a poor job of exposing our desire not to talk to people, I’m sure many of you would be keen on using it. Instead we let it ring, because the worst thing you can do is not feel like speaking to somebody at the exact moment they’re seeking you out. Still, when I hear a doorbell or a knock, I instinctually dive to a hidden area that can’t possibly be visible, even through the tiniest opening through the blinds.
7. Being occupied by electronic devices while in the middle of a social meeting (e.g. lunch, a party, hanging out at the bar, etc.). YOU ARE HERE WITH PEOPLE, why be there is you aren’t going to be present? The comfort people currently have with tapping, scrolling and Instagram-ing their way through entire meals leads me to believe that we won’t even make eye contact with each other anymore after the iPhone 7’s release. Why bother looking up? I can see you right here on Facebook!
8. Beating around the bush and pretending not to care instead of being straightforward and letting someone know how you feel. I like you. I like the symmetry of your face and the way your voice sounds, can we get to know each other better? We can’t be open about liking people because friendly is creepy, brave is desperate and careless is cool.
9. Folks anticipating getting wasted all week. They literally survive Monday through Friday with the sole intent of reaching the weekend and getting hammered. That’s literally what people do, put up with five days of misery for two days of heavy alcohol consumption. In stride it’s a normality, but on paper it seems strange. That lifestyle is not far off from the motto of James Franco’s character, Alien in Spring Breakers, who philosophically declared that life is in fact all about big booties and bikinis, y’all. Which brings me to the next point…
10. The setup of clubs. Is everything about clubs not awful? The shady promoters, the long lines in which you have 15-20 minutes to evaluate how life got you between the stupid velvet ropes of this stanchion, the extreme body heat inside, the way overpriced alcohol, the loud, LOUD music that makes it impossible to hold a conversation and leaves your ears ringing afterward. And it’s mostly stuff like Pitbull. Hours of sweating, being bumped into and spilling your drink, all while Pitbull screams Spanish gibberish into your eardrums. Yotengoculoculo Washington DC! Jugarbailerquelastima Los Angeles! Ahoragustavofringqualeslafetchadehoy New York City!… Dale! On second thought, maybe it’s the fact that Pitbull’s music is socially acceptable that’s really alarming here.
11. Emotional males being ostracized. Why can’t dudes be passionate or fall hard or care deeply about things, to the point where they’re capable of being moved to tears?
12. Adults worshiping celebrities. Kids too, but especially adults. If you want an example of what I’m talking about, say something about Beyoncé that isn’t praise and watch her hive of over the top fans attack you, and speak of her as if she’s anything more than a talented human. Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and a select few other artists have these aggressive fan bases full of grown people who will verbally abuse anyone with a differing opinion from them. I get it, you like the way Beyoncé sings and performs, but this notion that she, or any other celebrity are some kind of celestial, divine being is beyond creepy.