Hi! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Again! We’re all gathered round with our loved ones to watch Ben Higgins find
fame love with someone from his ABC-selected harem. In doing so we will remember what truly matters in life: finding love the fact that ABC’s initial selection criteria is just a photo with your height and weight attached.
As we all know, Bachelor Nation (lol), was heartbroken when Ben didn’t get a rose from Kaitlyn. Now the tables have turned and he’ll be giving out roses of his own while Chris Harrison assures us every week will be the most dramatic episode of the The Bachelor ever.
Here are all the contestants on this season of The Bachelor ranked from most to least depressing, follow me on Twitter for real time analytics:
Before we rank the girls, I think it’s important to break tradition here and include the bachelor himself in the rankings. This year Ben will find someone who will make a good
US Weekly cover wife to bring home to Indiana, where he lives for some (???) reason. He describes himself as a champion of “varied cultures” who doesn’t know if he is “capable of love.” Ben is also 26-years-old. Ben is a softboy. Ben is kinda tragic.
Emily’s occupation is ‘twin’ ??? and she is coming on the show with her twin sister ???????????????
Haley is Emily’s twin and they are coming on the show together. I am so embarrassed that this is happening. :(
Rachel is unemployed and wants to have a husband, house, kids, dogs, and money. Her longest relationship didn’t work out because her boyfriend was “more interested in being popular” than dating her. Is that a thing?!??
Breanne has crazy eyes, prefers hot weather because “you can show off the body you have worked for all winter” and says her favorite book is Why Men Love Bitches. which makes me excited about her as a potential extremely insane plot point in this season, not so much as an actual human being.
When asked about her favorite book, Izzy says “I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.” Her dream career is also designing wedding invitations.
Amber is a 30-year-old bartender who was previously on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor as well as last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. I happen to like her personality as much as I’ve seen it on the show(s) but this is starting to get bleak.
Like Amber, Becca is also back for this season. Which is weird because she was the runner-up on Chris’ season less than a year ago? Does she literally think she will be a good match/fall in love with any man just because he is the bachelor? I wonder if she is still a virgin?
Lace once left a man in the middle of a date because he was “too into himself.” I wonder if she is going to be the girl this season who “tells it like it is” and “doesn’t understand why the other girls don’t like her.”
Laura is a ginger :(
Tiara (real name) listed her profession as ‘chicken enthusiast’ which is bizarre to the point of annoying. She mentions chickens in almost every answer she gives to the audition questions which makes her come across as the crazy girl prototype horse girl. But with chickens.
Caila has the same career as Ben (software sales) but that hasn’t historically made a difference to the bachelor (see Jake eliminating a female pilot in the premiere episode of his season). Caila likes Colbie Callait, old movies and fall weather. There’s nothing so offensive about her that makes her depressing but there’s nothing exciting the other way either. She just seems like… filler.
Lauren B would rather be the first lady than the president because it’s ‘too stressful.’
Lauren H is a kindergarten teacher. What is it with this show and kindergarten teachers for women and personal trainers for men. Are there literally not other types of people who audition?
Olivia is a news anchor who’s biggest fear is being alone. I wanna make fun of her for being one of those crazy extroverts that always needs attention and can never be single, but the fictional character she most wants to be is Katniss Everdeen, which is really cool.
Maegan (yes, she spells it this way) is pure country (her occupation is ‘cowgirl’) and Ben is from Indiana, so I’m not convinced they’re exactly going to hit it off. But, at least she has some zest in her.
Jojo is a southern girl who likes Jesus, pizza and wine. She likes self-help books and Taylor Swift because she has “cool friends.” I think these are exactly the attributes that help you go far on The Bachelor ? although she doesn’t yet have a tragic family backstory.
Mandi is a dentist who likes EDM so she’s at least not the typical Bachelor girl. Also, she self-identifies as a girl who drinks too much. I hope we see this attribute in all it’s glory on the show.
Jessica is an accountant who likes bad boys, sitting around, and country music. She seems super basic — but that’s also what women who are successful on The Bachelor are like, so it could definitely work out for her.
Leah is twerking on the wall in a bridesmaid dress in her Bachelor audition and is getting her tattoos lazered off, so she’s no stranger to regrettable decisions. This could make some truly awesome TV.
Jubilee is a war veteran which is really badass so she gets to be on the ‘less depressing’ end of the spectrum.
Lauren R calls Michelangelo a ‘talented weirdo’ which is endearing and not something most of the basic bitches in this casting would be able to say.
Jackie is a ‘gerontologist’ which I had to google and it means you study aging. Which I think is really cool unless it’s made up and she like actually sells skin care products or something.
Jami’s favorite book is The Crucible which means someone assigned that to her in high school or college and she doesn’t read anything in her real life and had to pick something. But still, it’s not 50 Shades. Also, her definition of marriage is kind of cute: “Spending every day with your best friend and having daily adventures.”
LB seems like the “fun, free-spirited one.” Her favorite date memory is exploring the jungle in Nepal, her worst is a hospital in Germany.
If Amanda won the lottery she would “buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs” which actually sounds really cool. (Full disclosure: this is my life dream). She has two daughters and admits to doing Botox which I think is actually kind of badass to own up to? Amanda could go either way, I’ll reserve placing her on either end of the spectrum until I see her on camera.
Jennifer owns her own business and likes nude sunbathing, so she’s smart andadventurous.
Samantha is an attorney who’s biggest dating pet peeve is a guy who has nothing to say. She seems almost too cool for Ben until she adds “my parent’s approval means everything.” I hope this leads to a juicy family visit!
Shushanna (sp?) has one of the most three-dimensional personalities of the women. She’s a mathematician who likes Russian music and playing checkers with her grandfather. As far as why she’s on the show, she says: “At some point I stopped believing in love again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so busy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.”