Ranking The Women On This Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ By How Depressing They Seem

Ranked from most to least depressing.

Ashley I.

ABC
ABC

For Ashley, being married means having a constant source of “comfort, happiness and love.” Which, um, means she is going to be sorely disappointed by any real relationship.

Kelsey

ABC
ABC

She’s a short-haired guidance counselor from Texas. This is a personality outline of someone with the vibrancy of the DMV waiting room.

Samantha

ABC
ABC

Samantha is a fashion designer who lives in New York AND Los Angeles for her career. So she’s either willing to give up her entire dream to move to Iowa or she’s completely delusional. Also, her teacup maltese is going to immediately get eaten by a coyote if she brings it to the farm so…

Kara

ABC
ABC

Kara can’t live without Jesus or cookies.

Ashley S.

ABC
ABC

Ashley S. is a 24-year-old hairstylist living in Brooklyn. She has the crazy, hardened eyes of a woman twice her age which makes her claims about loving “lip gloss” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” fall a little flat. I’m pegging her for an early, on-camera break down.

Amber

ABC
ABC

Despite the unfortunateness of being named ‘Amber’ and being a 29-year-old bartender, there’s hope for her. We share the same dream of trading places with a zookeeper for a day so you can chill with all the cool animals. Still, the fact that she “can’t live without” her teddy bear is awkwardly sad to think about.

Kaitlyn

ABC
ABC

Kaitlyn seems addled and eccentric and flighty in a brain injury kind of way… for instance, here’s her response to the lottery question: “Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.”

Kimberly

ABC
ABC

Kimberly’s biggest fear is “Not liking the guy and not being able to escape the date.” Ummm, you escape the date by politely ending it. It’s really puzzling how this is bewildering to her when it’s something normal women (and men) have to do all the time. It comes off like the kind of girl who leads a guy on because she feels too “awkward” to end it and then tells her friends constantly how “creepy” he is. Yuck.

Mackenzie

ABC
ABC

Mackenzie’s hair is the personification of her profession: dental assistant.

Britt

ABC
ABC

Britt confuses me. She’s a 27 year-old-waitress who lives in Hollywood so I already hate her, and yet she reads David Foster Wallace and Dave Eggers, so, she’s trying? She seems like one of those girls with good intentions and just not a lot of life experience so I want to empathize with her but I also feel a holier-than-thou monologue coming on about all the good she does by sponsoring children in less fortunate countries.

Jillian

ABC
ABC

Jillian is a news producer from DC who likes intellectual conversations, Netflix, and chocolate. So… every woman, ever.

Juelia

ABC
ABC

All these women that love to travel, do they know Farmer Chris lives in Iowa? Or that a farm schedule limits when and how long you can go? Juelia might be in for a rude awakening.

Michelle

ABC
ABC

Michelle is a wedding cake decorator who loves family, church, and religion. Her dream date would be “A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.” If she wants to impress a guy she will, “Laugh at his jokes to make him feel funny, and ask him questions about himself to make him feel special and show I’m interested.” Maybe I’m just being overly cynical but something about this just seems very lonely and sad to me. It’s great to make someone feel good, but you should also actually think they are funny and interesting.

Nikki

ABC
ABC

She seems very bored by thinking about the concept of marriage, “Lifetime, life partner, other half. You complement each other, go about life two developed successful people who do it together. Best friends.” Probably not someone who’s going to be thrilled by the prospect of moving unexciting Iowa.

Whitney

ABC
ABC

Can’t live without her day-planner! **barfs aggressively**

Reegan

ABC
ABC

Reegan would impress a man by “keeping her mouth shut.” This does not bode well for her speaking on camera abilities.

Tracy

ABC
ABC

Tracy is a fourth grade teacher which, as you can see by her photo, means she thinks a decorative lanyard is a stylish necklace.

Trina

ABC
ABC

Another cheese factory who answers questions with phrases like, “this journey called life.”

Tara

ABC
ABC

Tara’s dream date is one in which her beau “opens the truck door for me” so she’s going to get along swimmingly with Farmer Chris.

Tandra

ABC
ABC

Tandra seems vibrant and like she has a lot of joie de vivre. Plus her “what does marriage mean” answer is solid, “It’s choosing every day to love one person, commit to them and build a life together.”

Megan

ABC
ABC

One of the girls said that if she could be any animal she would be a house cat. Megan said she would be a lion. I guess there’s two types of people in the world.

Jordan

ABC
ABC

May I introduce this season’s floozy? Or at least, the woman who ABC will try to make out as this season’s floozy for doing things normal women do and just don’t talk about on national television. She parties and jumps naked off of boats while traveling and says if she really wanted to impress a guy, she’d do a sexy dance for him. It will be interesting to see if ABC is playing this up, or, how she actually presents herself on camera.

Jade

ABC
ABC

If Jade won the lottery, she would “Launch my business, pay off my debt, set my parents up for retirement, invest, and give back.” Ambitious, smart, kind, — the family lady Farmer Chris can’t wait to meet?

Carly

ABC
ABC

Carly is a cruise ship singer who loves “God, family, and mascara.” I cannot wait to watch her.

Nicole

ABC
ABC

Nicole seems down to earth and fun. Her biggest achievement is “Being successful enough to have the means and ability to travel wherever I want. I’m also proud of myself for graduating summa cum laude.” Her definition of marriage is, “A partnership, to have each other’s back in everything, and to have a best friend you want to jump in the sack with.” Not bad at all.

Amanda

ABC
ABC

Amanda is a ballet teacher who loves handwritten letters and The Notebook. Her ultimate dream is to get married and run her own ballet studio. She may end up being a bit of a cheeseball but it’s cool in my book she has something she is passionate about (ballet) and seems pretty okay being her basic girl self.

Becca

ABC
ABC

Becca isn’t afraid to admit that her biggest dating fear is having diarrhea and reveals this relatable LOL moment: “I have several — once I was getting gas and the guy asked, “What kind of gas do you like?” and I thought he asked “What kind of guys do you like?” I responded, “Tall, dark, and handsome.” He just stared at me and repeated the question.” It takes some gumption to be that honest with complete strangers, I like it.

Brittany

 ABC

ABC

Brittany is a WWE Dive-In-Training whose shorts came off in her very first wrestling match. Saucy. In the short interview all the girls do, Brittany’s answers are honestly really sweet. She admires Bell from Beauty and the Beast because she can see beauty on the inside of people instead of getting stuck on the outside. It’s an easy thing to say you don’t do this but another entirely to know this is a real struggle, especially in dating. She’ll be interesting to watch and if there are any bitches on this season, maybe she will give them the WWE treatment.

Bo

ABC
ABC

Bo already looks like the kind of hearty, midwestern woman Farmer Chris might go for so I’m ranking her near the “not-depressing” end of this list. She’s a plus size model and a former competitive surfer — which seems pretty fearless and interesting. Also, her go-to dating approach of “Just walk up and start talking to him like a human being” might actually work with Chris.

Alissa

ABC
ABC

Alissa seems pretty cool. She teaches yoga and likes cars. If she won the lottery, she would: “Adopt dogs and charter a jet for my friends and family to fly around Europe, with unlimited champagne and a hot air balloon ride over Greece.” Same, tbh. TC mark

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