1. You find yourself keeping good news from them because they always somehow manage to make you feel undeserving of whatever good fortune comes your way.
2. They trash-talk the people who are most important to you. “Is it just me or are your parents beginning to look really… old? I mean like, ancient.”
3. You would rather eat glass than leave their touchy-feely ass alone with your significant other.
4. Seeing their name appear on your phone puts the fear of god in your heart.
5. They’re never at fault for anything. They hurt you and then pretend that they had “no idea” what they did was going to make you upset. “If I had known it was a big deal, I would have never slept with your husband!” Yeah, OK.
6. You’re made to feel guilty for any and everything you have that they don’t, even if their bad situation is of their own making.
7. They spill your secrets because they don’t respect you or your privacy. “Remember the time you got genital warts?! Oh, was no one supposed to know about that? If I had known it was a big deal…”
8. You often find yourself saying “but we’ve known each other forever…” to justify keeping the relationship alive.
9. They constantly remind you of all of the ‘favors’ they’ve done for you. You’re convinced that the only reason you got a ‘favor’ in the first place was so that it could be held over your head for the next 30 years.
10. You feel judged for things that make you who you are.
11. Other obligations (work, other plans, mental health) are expected to be dropped whenever they need you — you’re just a bad friend otherwise, no exceptions.
12. They make you feel worse about an already-terrible situation. “Your ex won’t give you back the rent money he stole from you? I mean, you asked for it by dating him. That guy’s a disease.”
13. Not being able to make it to their birthday party is a grave sin which you will pay for your entire life.
14. They disrespect your career. If they have an opportunity to tell you how underpaid, overpaid, lucky, or lame you are, they will take it every time.
15. You always feel used. They want an introduction to this person, an invitation to that party. You’d be a goner if you weren’t able to provide them with these things.
16. They always have a catty comeback for everything you say. ‘Listening’ is not a part of your relationship, unless you’re the one doing it.
17. In conversations with you, they use words that disparage people of your race/ religion/ sexual orientation. Don’t be such a fag about it!
18. They’re a liability. You can’t invite them out anymore because they’re always offending someone, breaking something, or getting kicked out of somewhere.
19. You’re made to feel dumb for expressing a viewpoint that differs from theirs.
20. They turn into another person when they’re trying to impress someone, at your expense. You’ll go from their happy hour companion to the butt of all their jokes as soon as an attractive face walks into the bar.
21. You always feel like you’re competing for their attention — and losing. Your relationship has become completely one-sided and you’re not sure they would notice if you gave up completely.
22. They discourage you from trying new things and entertaining new hobbies. They’d rather you not improve or grow in any way.
23. Actually ending the friendship makes you fear for your physical safety.