1. Reading Cosmopolitan Magazine
As if by 25 we even still need to read “60 new ways to get him to climax” — it’s insulting. In fact, since most of us have been reading this magazine since our late teens, it’s quite possible we’ve already read all the advice Cosmo will ever have to give! We know there’s no hard hitting journalism going on inside its pages, no in-depth expo on Syria or the state of the economy, and it’s not exactly like we’re dying to read about whatever greased up Kardashian is currently on the cover. Yet there we are standing in line, flipping to a page with Zac Efrons abs on it, and the next thing you know we’re handing it over to the cashier with a sheepish grin on our face while mumble something about reading it for the recipes. (We’re liars.)
2. Accepting drinks from guys we have no intention of talking to
This really is the female equivalent of getting a girl’s number but never calling or texting her. In other words, it’s not a victimless crime but odds are when you go out to a bar you know there’s a firm possibility of this taking place. If you’re not a huge twat you’ll keep it to 1 cheap well drink, and then make like a bunny and hop. Besides, that dude needs to save his money for the inevitable therapy he’ll need from meeting girls like you.
3. Unfairly hating on other females
Tina Fey (knower of all things) says that girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worse type of female behavior, “right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.” Because we already have so many other things as females to worry about, I tend to agree with that statement with some exceptions (I stand by that boyfriend stealing should at least be a misdemeanor or something). However, hating on other ladies without probable cause is just gross. We should really just be honest and say, “That girl rubs me the wrong way because I’m jealous of her beauty and poise.” But que serra serra a Zebra cannot change it’s stripes.
4. Having slightly unprotected sex
The first step is admitting you have a problem, and despite it being every mother’s worst nightmare, ladies – we do. Even though we’re more in control of our bodies and what goes into them more now than ever,I have yet to meet a girl who hasn’t confessed to using the ole “pull out method” every once in a blue moon. Obviously this level of stupidity is a two way street but this assumption that only guys are cavalier about their sexual health is grave misinformation. Wrap it up people.
5. Missing the moment for the sake of a #selfie
This isn’t just relegated to the female population, but you have to admit we do take the cake on this one. It’s sad, but I occasionally have to ask myself, “Do I even remember what I was doing when I took this? Is it inappropriate to post this picture because of the overall situation that I was in when I took it? We should all adopt this same inner reasoning. I mean, I get it, sometimes a good hair day is a good hair day, but at Grandma’s funeral?! #SoSad #Grieving #RIPGrams
6. Spending more than $5 on one Starbucks drink
Every time I order a Venti Soy Chai with extra foam at Starbucks and the cashier tells me it’s $5.17, a little part of me dies inside. Sure, it’s nice to feel like a grown-up baller who can afford things in their largest sizes and say things like “can I get that with soy?”, if only I was making $5 a drink, grown-up baller money, that’d be great. Quick math: $5 drinks x 5 mornings a week = $100 a month on COFFEE… That’s insane.
7. Ditto, going out to Happy Hour anytime the week of payday
This is not the Sex in the City era anymore, this is the Olivia Pope day and age and if you want your glass of Merlot you’re going to have to do it in the privacy of your own apartment like the broke 25 year old you are. You’re not fooling anyone when you’re out 2 days until payday sipping on a Mai Tai at that swanky downtown patio lounge. We all know you’re going home to a frozen Trader Joe’s mac & cheese dinner later. You might have been able to afford a Chipotle burrito if you won’t such a 5’ o clock booze hound.
8. Eating our roommate’s food
You walk in from the gym, open the refrigerator, and immediately see a Chobani. But the funny thing is, you haven’t been grocery shopping since last Thursday! Obviously you take it – but first you mentally promise you’ll replace it. Out of fairness, you decide take the banana too — she wouldn’t want you to jeopardize your muscle recovery.
9. Getting regularly scheduled bikini waxes
They tell you that in order to avoid the maximum amount of pain it’s best to come for your scheduled down-there appointment every 3 – 4 weeks before everything has time to fully grow back in again. I’m sorry, but excuse me if the process of having hot wax directly applied to your most sensitive areas and then ripped off by a lady (who has to be only 5’3, right? Why are estheticians always so short?!) who’s asking you about your weekend while you lay on your back, spread eagle, is something we’d rather not experience bimonthly. I get it, we don’t want to look like Chewbacca, but we also reserve a right to put this injustice off for a few extra weeks sometimes.
10. Flaking on Girls Night Out
In theory, an all night shit-facedathon with your best girlfriends whilst repeatedly playing Drunk in Love & Turn Down for What is a fun idea. But by the time Friday at 11 rolls around you’d much rather catch up on Game of Thrones and drink Mascato by yourself then hold your best friends hair back while she pukes, crying” I just know he loves me though!” one more time. You love them, you love going out, and as we discussed earlier, you’re not even above getting free drinks from guys you have no intention of even speaking to in order to have a good time, but I mean – ugg, can’t we just do brunch instead?
11. Posting provocative pictures on Instagram but wondering why guys only want to hook-up with you.
It really does baffle me that most women don’t see the correlation between these two things when they’re pretty obviously a cause and effect type situation. I mean, that’s part of the point of isn’t it? Posting the most amazing pictures of yourself to drum up desire? It’s really just free, slightly self-obsessive self-marketing in my opinion. The annoying part isn’t that, the annoying part is doing it and then complaining about it anyway. Just stop. Stop it.