Chelsea Fagan

We are an amalgam of our best selfies, of the edits, and of the tagged photos we approved. We are someone else entirely, someone more conventionally beautiful.

Having the amount of connection with your family that is healthy and positive for you. There is no set amount of attachment that one needs with the people they were born into, and if you are in an abusive or hostile environment, you don’t owe anyone your time.

Because, in case there was any confusion about it, if you deem what is happening in her life as funny or cute, you are being a terrible person.

Why is it scary, though? Part of it has to be the obvious reasons — are they going to become lame, lose sight of who they are, forget what made the two of you so close to begin with?

Sometimes the people that your ex left you for were actually much better for them, and they are happier now, and they absolutely don’t regret leaving you to get with them.

Snapchatting pictures of themselves getting blowjobs to their bros.

Please don’t Google any pictures of Rose McGowan after about 2006. It’s a tragedy which, if you have not already been introduced to it, does not need to be a part of your life.

So many of your tagged Facebook photos have had to be deleted for professional reasons that you now have put an approval filter on them, just to streamline things.

Replacing the smoke alarm battery that has been beeping for the last several decades and to the sound of which you have simply grown accustomed.

Now, it’s all some kind of Smash Brothers Melee where God only knows what everyone else is looking for, and who else they’re seeing, and how they feel about you.

We all believe that we are going to find some secret decoder ring which will allow us to understand these mysterious words, and skip out that nasty middle business of actually having to find out “what is wrong,” even if it’s the question we initially asked.

I want to walk out and pretend not to hear the calls behind me of “Where are you going?” “When are you coming back?” I don’t know when I am coming back, and there is no one I want to explain it to.

If you are going bald, and are past the point of creating a reasonable facsimile of hair with a few good products and swishes of the comb, you just have to run with it.

When you were a little kid, all of your dolls/stuffed animals were in long-term, committed relationships with one another. Two of your teddy bears would be soon nearing their silver anniversary.

Realizing that some people are making the transition from “crazy kid who parties a little too much” to “person who has a serious problem with drinking/drug use,” and that there may be nothing you can do to help them.

The women who rejected them are but one bullet point in a longer list, for many of these Nice Guys.

The thing about orgasms is that they can come from anywhere. If the Peen Patrol isn’t bringing them, why not take her to Tongue Town or Vibrator Valley or even Fingerblast Forest? Your options are limitless, no need to cry!

Imagine how cruel people can be when they interpret outgoingness for sexual availability and then are turned down when their ego is most easily bruised. Remember not to make that mistake yourself, and to learn the very human differences between wanting to start a conversation and wanting to start a courtship.