1. Talking about how much they hate Justin Bieber — and becoming almost competitive in their dislike — yet secretly kind of loving him and/or identifying with him.
2. Referring to things as being alternately “swaggy” or “not swaggy at all.”
2. If you are a girl, having a gap between your thighs, and taking fuzzy pictures of said thigh gaps in front of windows, Starbucks cups, or a pool.
3. Having a Tumblr.
4. Becoming “Tumblr famous,” which largely consists of collecting photos of skulls and crossbones or pastel pink hair, and captioning everything with ♡♡♡.
5. Smoking cigarettes, and taking fuzzy pictures of said cigarettes.
6. Wearing snapbacks, trading snapbacks, and fighting their snapbacks until they get enough HP to evolve into a pair of limited-edition sneakers.
7. Learning about things such as Nintendo cartridges, and why you had to blow on them, via the internet.
8. Idolizing Miley Cyrus in a way which has grown neatly with their own adolescent trajectory, from the Hannah Montana-era innocence to the Swag Bunny Twerk Titty Whatever Her Style Is early 20s.
9. Going to high school and having iPhones???? Like somehow people have iPhones in high school now and this is something we all accept????
10. Having unlimited access to an array of online pornography which can only be described as “horrifying” from the age of, well, whatever age you can circumvent a parental control. So essentially a second-trimester fetus.
11. Snapchatting pictures of themselves getting blowjobs to their bros.
12. Instagramming pictures of weed next to things where you would usually not expect to see any weed, and treating said weed better than most people treat their pets.
13. Liveblogging their experience of sixth-period English accompanied with hashtags such as “DickPicoftheArtistAsAYoungMan” and “TeamJamesJoyce.”
14. Hating their parents, and hurling dishes at them across the dinner table while accusing them of having stopped being swaggy at least 20 years ago.
15. Taking HD, crystal-clear videos of themselves chewing gum, urinating, and committing misdemeanor arson.
16. Never knowing what it is to have to actually wait for, and be excited about, the release and airplay of a music video from a beloved group.
17. Blurring the difference between actual emotions they experience and the things they are certain would accrue the most likes on social media.
18. Being able to discreetly order sex toys from the internet, saving them the humiliation of their parents discovering the absence of several of the more phallic vegetables from the crisper.
19. Making me feel all old and obsolete and shit, and counting amongst their ranks precocious prodigies such as Tavi Gevinson, which is really fucking uncool.