1. Cotton panties that came in a pack of three: I am just trying to live my life right now, I cannot be held to your patriarchal panty standards.
2. Extreme, heavily-padded pushup bra: No one is going to be taking this off tonight, so I can live the lie for some excellent cleave pics.
3. Neon: The POINT is to make it show through, this is called FaShIoN K
4. Bathing suit bottom: Laundry day.
5. Black cotton panties: I think we all know that there might be some stains in the future of these underwear, and I think we all know what kind of stains they are. These are the Sacrificial Panties.
6. Flesh-colored and seamless: This dress is somewhat sheer, and I am the kind of woman who pays her bills, organizes her closet, and prevents visible panties.
7. Spanx: I had a job interview today, don’t fucking touch me until I get these off, or I will pop out of them like Pillsbury croissants.
8. Black lacy panties: Bout 2 get myself some D
9. Leopard “sexy” underwear with matching bra: I say the words “meow,” “rawr,” or “daddy” in bed.
10. Victoria’s secret PINK boy shorts: Reliving my 19-year-old lifestyle by wearing these adorable pink-and-green panties around the house to feel sexy whilst watching Netflix.
11. Men’s boxer shorts: Stole these from an ex probably and I don’t care about feeling sexy whilst watching Netflix, I’m just trying to be comfortable.
12. Bike shorts: I will never have a thigh gap, and I am okay with that.
13. Really really frilly shit that will never ever lay flat under clothes: I bought these with the intention of wearing them for some ~*~steamy sexual caucus~*~ and they have been crumpled in the back of my underwear drawer for two years because who has time for costume changes.
14. Strapless bra: AM I ELPHABA, BECAUSE I AM DEFYING GRAVITY~~~~
15. Sports bra while not working out: Take away my thrice-weekly spin class, and I have no reason to live. (Alternatively, there are at least a dozen pictures of me doing yoga on Instagram.)
16. Matching Set: The world is not gonna fuck with me today, I can do anything, I believe in me. This is my moment, my matching-bra-and-panty moment.
17. Thong in a short, flowy skirt or dress: I don’t play by your rules, and mild breezes don’t scare me.
18. That one pair of boyshorts with buttons on them: I bought these thinking “Oh, how cuuuute” but then never wear them because who the fuck wants buttons on their underwear.
19. Bandaids on the nips: I’m a ~*~free spirit~*~ who is probably going to, or coming from, an outdoor music festival.
20. That one random pair of basic blue panties you got at like H&M or something that have somehow held up for several years and are still in perfect shape: I don’t give up on those who don’t give up on me.
21. Commando while wearing jeans: I have a death wish, see you all in the afterlife.