1. Keep the Netflix, wine, and takeout food nights sacred in your relationship, because they are restorative to the soul and she will need them from time to time.
2. You are essentially marrying me, as I am the person who read and edited all texts she was going to send to you back when you were first dating. But I won’t be weird about it.
3. You may be marrying a put-together, charming, responsible adult, but in order to fully appreciate where she is at at this point, you need to know what she was like in middle school. And it was a lot of tattoo chokers, milky pen graffiti, and talking about how she was certain about marrying Aaron Carter.
4. BFF Time™ is a sacred event, and if you interfere with our ability to get together on at least a bi-weekly basis to drink mimosas and complain about people, we’re going to have a problem.
5. I am the third vote in all wedding-related decisions.
6. When it comes to what she will want for birthdays/holidays/anniversaries/etc, I will hold all of the answers. Stay on my good side, and you shall have them.
7. She has her “favorite songs” that she tells everyone about because they’re not embarrassing, and then she has her actual favorite songs, that only we listen to together while making up stupid dances on car trips. Don’t take this personally.
8. Yes, she had a “crazy girl” period, like we all did. But she came out alive and well and a better person, and now she’s with you. And the crazy girl secrets are safe with me.
9. There are a couple items of junk food that should always be kept in your cupboard for emergency situations. She probably hasn’t told you about them because she wants to seem like she isn’t addicted to them, but she is.
10. We have on many occasions slept in the same bed, and probably will in the future, and this is a totally platonic activity. Don’t worry about it.
11. I would lie and say that we’re not going to talk about you from time to time, but I don’t want to be a liar. We’ll occasionally talk about you. Mostly good things. At least 60 percent good things.
12. Consider me one of the relatives you have to impress, and everything will go smoothly.
13. Sometimes she’s going to need to come over just to talk and be the “BFF version” of herself, and that doesn’t mean anything about you. It just means that we need all of our relationships, and not just the romantic ones.
14. Some pictures of her in high school you will never see, unless I’m really mad at her. Then I might show you the shots from her My Chemical Romance phase.
15. You could probably learn from our relationship as BFFs, because we’ve been through years of ups and downs and small fights that we learned how to diffuse instead of turning into something much worse.
16. A lot of the time, when the two of us will be talking, we’ll speak in inside jokes and references to people and things that you don’t know. This isn’t meant to be rude, it’s just how we communicate.
17. This is definitely a new part of both of your lives, and I couldn’t be more happy for either of you. But there are some couples who get married and disappear totally from their friends’ lives, and this is just not acceptable. We were basically a married couple before you got here, and I’m not gonna give her up like that. So let’s all learn to share.