1. Having miniature motivational pep-talks and/or conversations with yourself in front of the bathroom mirror.
2. Making up random impressive shit about yourself to feel relevant in the conversation.
3. Attempting to fix makeup/hair/clothes, but in a way that only makes the overall look about ten times worse.
4. Ordering approximately four times the amount of food that you are actually capable of eating, and starting to nod off while cradling your Crunchwrap Supreme like a human baby.
5. Alternatively, making yourself food that you forget about in the oven/stove/microwave until it is a blackened husk.
6. Saying “I know that dance!” about dances that you absolutely do not know, and then proceeding to attempt the dance from vague memory.
7. Telling people you love them, particularly when you do not love that person.
8. Feeling a newfound sense of financial freedom, and exerting that freedom by spending what was left of your rent money on drinks for the person you met waiting for the bartender.
9. Sitting on the toilet to pee and momentarily falling asleep.
10. Getting on Gchat and striking up an incredibly emotional conversation with whoever happens to be online at that time.
11. (If that person does not respond, you try another one, and then another.)
12. Seeking out a slightly less intoxicated person to be your sounding board for all of your terrible ideas, and to calm you down from whatever drunken anxieties you have.
13. Suddenly getting incredibly emotional about mozzarella sticks.
14. Fixating on an idea, such as “Let’s go to Wendy’s!” and not relenting until that happens, even to the detriment of your dignity or friendships.
(Anecdote: I was recently out partying with friends, and two of us became overwhelmed with a sudden desire for french fries. When the waiter informed us that the kitchen was closed, we began negotiating with him and eventually decided that we were ready to pool our funds and offer him 200 dollars for a basket of fries. Thankfully for us, he had the good sense to decline.)
15. Attempting to make up with people for years’ worth of emotional damage in a five-minute span, usually over a shot.
16. Telling a story that, when you find out it is boring mid-way through, ends in bold-faced lies that no one could possibly believe.
17. Being overwhelmed with the desire to draw penises.
18. Kissing people that you would never in your entire life want to kiss sober, including people that you will have to SEE IN THE UNFORGIVING LIGHT OF DAY.
19. Looking through the entire Facebook — all 1200 photos — of your crush.
20. Instagramming blurry photos of your friends that no one can decipher, captioned with inside jokes that make no sense.
21. Randomly switching drinks at the end of the night to something really harsh that you would absolutely never drink normally.
23. Calling people at 2 in the morning who are clearly trying to sleep like a normal adult, and when they answer the phone all groggy and upset, being like, “Heyyyyy… I just wanted to talk. How are you?”