1. Wear tight muscle shirts.
No one wants to see your hard bro titties. No one wants to see your biceps struggling against your Baby Gap shirt while you wait in line for your Jack and Cokes at the No Toilet Paper Or Unscratched Mirror Dive Bar. No one wants to see your rock-hard nipples fight against the air conditioning and cut up our precious skin when we dance next to you. Muscle shirts have never been sexy (and that goes double for the wifebeaters with the inexplicable three-foot long arm holes), so please stop trying to look like the frat boy who stayed a few hours too long at the house party.
2. Gel their hair.
There is no look I enjoy more on a man than that of crunchy, crispy, oily-looking-yet-hard hair. If it’s used to feebly offset an ever-expanding bald spot by slicking the remaining follicles into a whirlpool of insecurity, you might as well just pull down your pants right now because I’m a-comin for that shit!
3. Let their facial hair get wild.
Enough with your raggedy ass facial pubes. Enough with those half-assed mustaches that mostly just look like you got a little too into things while sucking down your Pumpkin Spice Latte and left the foam on your upper lip. There is only one man that can pull off the wild, sexy, bearded look, and his name is Ray LaMontagne, and his voice is like a thousand angels singing directly into your vagina. So you need to just give up the game while you’re behind.
4. Wear sandals.
Why are you trying to seduce us with your misguided fashion sense and paltry attempts to play into breezy summer style? Just because some old Italian guy on The Sartorialist looked good with a pair of leather sandals does not mean that anyone wants to see your Hobbity toes gnarling their way like tree roots out of the strap of some Birkenstocks. Until you are ready to start investing in pedicures, stop investing in visually assaulting footwear.
Oh, cool!!! You have a tattoo?!?! Please, tell me what that means in Japanese? “Strength?” OH MY GOD, it is so nicely offset by that misused tribal band and that native headdress made out of peacock feathers. You are so edgy, and sexy, and new. Are those lickable tattoos?!? The snozberries taste like snozberries! The pointless word integrated into the infinity symbol tastes like unoriginal douchebag who’s been to Burning Man!
6. Make “sexy” faces in pictures.
Don’t do that sexy squint. Don’t lean back to let us see the sexual underbelly of your snapback. Don’t put your hands behind your head like you’re in the midst of getting a blowjob from someone just off-camera. No one is turned on by your Craigslist Casual Encounters-style glamour shots. Just be yourself. Even if it’s not sexy, at least it isn’t pathetic.
7. Subtly flex.
LOL, enough of this nonsense. No one is impressed by your casual display of musculature. No one is sitting on the edge of their seat waiting to see just how much of your bicep protrudes when you are at a standstill, and no one is going to bump you up to the “sexy” column the second they see that your V-cut is prominent while sucking in your belly. Either go all out and flex it up like you’re hitting your no-homo reps with sweaty bros in the weight room, or forget about it.
8. Get a half boner and pretend like it’s fully soft.
Pffffffft. Pffffffft, I say. We know that shit is not real, and we are not fooled by the halfsie you are trying to pass off as a nonchalant “Who, me? A boner? Never!” We are not impressed with your lackluster weenie, and you certainly aren’t going to pull the phallic wool over our eyes when it comes to sexting us a “business casual” dick pic. Get out of here.
9. Man jewelry.
No one is mistaking you for a mysterious surfer bro with your discount Pacsun hemp abomination jewelry. You just look like a giant tool.
10. Sexting in general.
Sexting is such a fine, delicate art, and it’s not the kind of thing you’re meant to blindly smatter with phrases like “oh ya babe im gonna cum so hard” or “wanna see my dick girl?” Like, I’m not sure if there was some kind of Adult Learning Annex seminar most dudes missed out on, but the whole idea of cat-and-mouse sexting is to build up a little anticipation and mystery, not to perform the linguistic equivalent of slapping your flaccid penis on a kitchen counter and being like, “Look, bitch, I got this out for you.” Go at it with a little finesse and tact, or don’t go at it at all. No one needs to hear about what you want to do to our titties.