1. “I’ve never even seen porn.”
Hold on, let me ask you a more pertinent question: Do you own a computer? Have you ever been on the internet? Because if those answers are yes, the above is an absolute lie. I understand the desire to maintain that pristine, Betty Draper image of the girl who has never seen a pair of balls unless they were attached to the man she loves. I even understand the people who aren’t really into porn, and somewhat count myself among them (even though James Deen is now a person who lives in our world, and that changes things to a large degree). But to pretend like you’ve never even been briefly eye-slapped by an unexpected pornographic image? That is simply poppycock. I have been on children’s educational websites and seen porn. I have seen porn on The Weather Channel. I have seen porn on my grandmother’s Facebook. You just see it, and you look sometimes, don’t lie about it.
2. “I never masturbate.”
Lol, girl, come on. We aren’t here to judge. Maybe you don’t do it a lot, but never? Them’s fighting words, and nothing that won’t come crumbling down after someone gets a few more Long Island Iced Teas in you. If this is even close to true (and we all doubt that it is), you need yourself a liberated friend ASAP who is going to be the Samantha to your Charlotte and teach you all about the Hitachi Magic Wand. Let her guide you up that trail of self-discovery so you can plant your flag atop the highest peak of Mount I Don’t Even Need A Boyfriend Anymore, Honestly.
3. “I totally came.”
I know that, as with the previous two items, it’s not entirely our fault. As women, we were raised to be this strange hybrid between the virginal school teacher and the incredibly experienced call girl who only gets randy in the confines of her relationship, and she learns all of her sexual moves through photosynthesis. But at some point, you have to take that personal responsibility. He doesn’t make you come once, shame on him. He doesn’t make you come and you lie about it, encouraging his behavior with you and every girl he will ever touch after you, shame on you. Shame. On. You.
4. “Love youuuuuu, [bitch you completely hate]”
Why is there that gene — and you know the gene that I’m talking about — that just exists within you at all times, completely immune to all of the feminism and emotional growth you can possibly incur? Like, it’s that part of you that can hate someone with the burning fire of a thousand dying suns and yet not be able to just cut them out of your life and move along like an adult. You have to go pass-aggro, at least occasionally, and god forbid you are going to let them know about all the shit you talk with your best friend when they are not around. It’s so unhealthy, it’s so bad, and it’s such a lie. You can’t just see them at a party and walk away, you have to fake-hug it out and make small talk so you can go back over to your friend and be like “God that bitch is just a moist fart, is she not??” WHY IS THIS OUR CROSS TO BEAR!?
5. “I’m gonna work this [insert delicious food here] off later.”
If there is anything that ruins the overall joy of eating some awesome junk food, it is having to hear someone go on about how she is totally going to hit the treadmill as soon as it is digested and flagellate herself for having consumed a calorie that didn’t come in kale form. Like, first of all, no one fucking cares if you’re working it off or not. No one cares about your regime, or your guilt, or your need to justify your Five Guys burger to the world (as if the fact that it’s fucking delicious wasn’t reason enough). And second of all, no one believes that you are really going to go home and work twice as hard to compensate for every single bit of food that you consumed. You’re just going to go on living your life normally, and that’s awesome, because that’s the way human beings should be. No need to convince anyone otherwise.
6. “I don’t even care if he calls me back.”
There is no good that can come from living the existential lie that is not pretending to like a dude that you totally, completely like, simply because you think he will no longer be into if you demonstrate your affections. You can waste your whole life playing the cat-and-mouse of chipping away at the cryogenically frozen heartspace of assholes, or you can suck it up and only go for the people with whom you can be totally honest. Because no one believes you when you are checking your phone at the dinner table literally every 20 seconds, despite the fact that it has not buzzed or rung even once, shaking like you’re coming down from PCP. Everyone knows you are completely pressed, and no one cares, because the only person losing in this scenario is you.
7. “I’m not like other girls.”
Girl, what does this even MEAN?? There are 3.5 billion women on this planet, I’m pretty sure you’re a little bit like some of them. And even if you were truly that glittering, unique papier-mâché snowflake twirling in the wind of a thousand basic bitches, you wouldn’t need to prove it by promising that you were different. The only time proclamations like this come out is when someone is trying to impress a dude who doesn’t stand for all those other “crazy bitches,” but let’s be honest, no dude that needs to be assured his girlfriend shares no other traits with the rest of the world’s females is worth dating. You are like other girls, and so am I, and that is awesome. Embrace it, because if you really think about it, a lot of girls are really cool — you could do a lot worse than to be similar to them.