1. When people talk about the passions they have in life, it often occurs to you that the only thing that gives you such immense, thrilling bursts of that kind of pleasure is taking an afternoon nap.
2. Sometimes your late-afternoon naps just become “I went to bed at 5 PM yesterday,” and you don’t feel like that’s a loss of any kind.
3. One of your favorite summer activities is just sitting outside in the sun and eating fruit really, really slowly.
4. When people are getting really tense/combative around you, one of your first reflexes is to go into the corner and just go to sleep for a while.
5. You very much understand the emotional breakdown that Kristen Bell suffered when confronted with a sloth in her immediate proximity for the first time. In some ways, you’re sure that you will be even more emotional when your sloth-meeting time comes.
6. It’s not even a question of “if” you will have your sloth house party, it is simply a question of when.
7. This video consistently brings you back to life when you are feeling lost and out of control:
8. It takes you a really, really long time to extricate yourself from dangerous or unhealthy situations, mostly because being immediately decisive has never been your strongest suit.
9. You have no idea why hanging out in trees is so underrated in adult life. We all loved just chilling up there as kids, and you still very much want to crawl up on a branch and hang out for a while.
10. You hate running.
11. When someone refers to “Sloth” in the “Seven Deadly Sins” sense, you get all “Woah, bro, let’s not say things we can’t take back now.”
12. Your favorite cuddling position is just hanging onto the side of your partner like they’re an oversized tree branch.
13. Let’s be honest, you’ve probably seen the business end of a joint a decent number of times. (Just kidding, drugs are bad! You are way too high on life to smoke anything else!!)
14. Eating in bed will always hold a special place in your heart.
15. If someone fucks with your sleep cycle, the wrath they will suffer will be unmatched by anything in modern society. No one messes with your precious REMs.
16. Same goes for when someone tries to eat off of your plate, as though it’s not your job to dole out what you don’t want at the end of your meal.
17. You find that, at least 80 percent of the time, people are being generally not chill enough and need to stop being so stressy and weird.
18. When people put you on the spot — whether it’s ordering food, negotiating a pushy salesgirl, or asking you an uncomfortable question — your immediate instinct is to flee really, really slowly.
19. When people tell you that just hanging out on the computer or reading a book all day does not count as an activity, you feel really personally offended.
20. Weekends are for sleeping as much as you want, and anyone who gets all judgy about it needs to go fly away with the rest of the birds.
21. More times than you would like to admit, you’ve had a serious amount of crumbs fall off of you when you stood up.
22. All you really want to do is hug.
23. Sometimes you just spend a good 45 minutes watching sloth video compilations on YouTube and fantasizing about the day when you will finally get to spend all day chilling and eating bananas with one. You know it’s your destiny, you just don’t know when it will come to you. And until then, you will wait patiently for your moment in the sun.