1. People we hate at work.
There is always at least one girl in the group who has someone at the office who is just gunning for her for no discernible reason. There are always several plot holes in these stories, but we ignore them just as we expect them to be ignored for us when we are bitching about that Terrible Work Person. This person is just evil, and usually unattractive in a naked mole rat sort of way (though we can never be sure how much of this element is projected), and has only one joy in life: making your friend miserable over shit as petty as the three-hole punch. It’s the moment where all of the long-pent-up rage over leaving mystery Tupperwares in the community fridge for weeks on end can spill out over your drinking friends like used motor oil, and everyone will nod faithfully in agreement.
2. Sex, in the worst way possible.
We give men a lot of shit for how much they focus on sex, and that undoubtedly has more than a few grains of truth to it, but it’s time to own up to the kind of chillingly graphic sex talk that occurs after a few drinks at a table full of women. You have to have that one fearless girl who leads the rest of the group like a noble sherpa through the mountains of dildo options and the pros and cons of using a finger in the butthole during a blowjob. This is the opportunity for everyone to A) recoil in horror at the things that they’ve never done with a dainty “Oh my god I could NEEEEVER” or B) offer up some hilarious tidbit about their partner’s proclivity for getting smacked in the face during orgasm. The best part of all of this, it should be noted, is a few days later when you actually have to see this dude with your new, vivid knowledge of his private life and pretend that you are none the wiser.
3. The fact that we’re talking about girly shit.
If there is not that meta moment where you look at each other and go, “We are like an unfunny parody of Sex and the City right now. We are literally talking about nail polish and oral sex.” the night is not yet over.
4. Medical issues.
It’s like WebMD but completely uninformed and mostly centered around the vague pains you are all experiencing around your back area. There are many theories, ranging from “birth control side effects” to “too much time on the elliptical” to “sleeping on a shitty Ikea mattress,” all of which probably carry a degree of truth to them. The point, though, is that no one is going to be there to help you. (With the possible exception of the one girl who is a walking gynecological pharmacy and can tell you what the precise side effects of every form of contraception are, if you are in the market for such knowledge. She’s had everything from the Nuva Ring to the patch to that one pill that causes heart attacks, and she has opinions to share.)
5. Our exes, even though we are clearly with new people for some time now.
Especially if the ex is a mutual friend/acquaintance, there is truly never a bad time to recall all of the reasons you removed that loser from your life like some kind of remora who is incapable of keeping more than ten dollars in their checking account. If there has been a recent development in their douchiness made public via Facebook, it can provide hours of holier-than-thou fun for the whole family.
Yes, stupid men who make jokes about women all getting together and talking about their periods, I am giving you ammunition for your petty misogyny by admitting that sometimes women do in fact discuss the various nuances of the TIME WHEN THEY BLEED PROFUSELY FROM THEIR VAGINAS FOR SEVERAL DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH LIKE COME ON THIS IS A BIG ASPECT OF OUR LIVES WHY IS IT WEIRD THAT WE WOULD DISCUSS THIS FROM TIME TO TIME???? So shoot me that sometimes we’re having cramps and want to know if anyone has any tips or a tampon or some ibuprofen. I’m sure that if you bled from your penis EVEN ONCE it would be literally the only thing you ever talked about. We would have national holidays celebrating your martyr status as the one who has to suffer the stigmata of human procreation. I truly cannot even find a fuck to give about your judgment.
7. The agony and the ecstasy of ordering some mozzarella sticks.
Unless one of you steps up and goes straight for the buffalo wings right at the beginning (and God bless that person), there is going to be some completely superfluous hemming and hawing about whether or not you should all get a lil’ something to snack on. God damn you, beauty industry, for making us feel like we have to justify the order of a plate of nachos with a comment on how bad it is or how we’re going to run tomorrow or how we’ve been responsible all week. (The order may even trip the wire of a twenty minute conversation on workout tips and/or kale chips and how they’re really not so bad.) It’s worth noting, though, that even though it will take the one girl brave enough to order on everyone else’s cowardly behalf, the second that plate of potato skins hits the table, it’s getting swarmed upon like a plague of locusts, including by the girl who just got off a tirade about how much she’s really into yoga and eating clean these days. Let’s just own it, girls, we want those teriyaki chicken poppers, and no one is fooled into thinking we don’t. Those poppers are wonderful, and so is being alive. Let’s order the sampler.