1. I mean who WOULD want this?

A cockblocking male roommate.

2. Sure this girl wasn’t actually a toddler?

Dated a girl who only had an air mattress and piles of clothes EVERYWHERE. She used to piss the bed all the time when she got drunk too. Never again.

3. This sounds like the opening scene to a very scary movie.

Was hanging out with this girl whose bedroom was just a train wreck. I’ve let my room get a bit messy at times, though I tidy up if I expect company especially, but this was just bad. Half eaten pizza still in the room for what seemed like some time. Hasn’t washed her sheets in god knows how long. Dirty underwear strewn about. The worst part? She slept with the lights on and Counting Crows playing all night. Who does that?

4. Sometimes when a girl talks about her crackpipe, it doesn’t matter how easy she is…

Oh shit, I just remembered one. She propped herself up on her bed, spread her legs and through the tear in her jeans I could see her little red thong she was wearing when she asked, “You want to fuck me don’t you?” as her hand slid south.. She was actually pretty damn good looking for, uh, who she was and I was thinking about it, except …

1) No sheets on her heavily stained mattress.
2) Her mom was literally 10 feet from the bedroom door.
3) Just three minutes before, she showed me where she used to hide her crackpipe – in the slit throat of her stuffed childhood bear.

I think that may be the only time I’ve ever Nope’d my way out of a girl’s bedroom.

5. Food mess.

Guys or girls, if your kitchen has stacks of dirty dishes, and the counters are covered in the remnants of week old cooking experiments, it’s a huge turn off. Any mess in general is bad, but food mess is the worst.

6. This could have only been done intentionally.

Poop in the toilet.

I’ll ignore it, but your opinion will forever be sullied by the fact that you didn’t flush.

7. Men like to think that their women are celibate!

Used condoms hanging out of the trash can =\

8. Yeah, definitely not the way to make a guy feel comfortable.

Pictures of exes.

9. An affinity for…horses?

Girls who are super into horses have always freaked me out. If I see a large number of horse pictures/paintings/figurines, I’m more than likely sufficiently terrified.

10. Which women have this?

Can’t believe this one hasn’t been mentioned at all. When women have in their home and offices a frame with “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Don’t get me wrong, but to me, that is just an excuse to be moody and bitchy.

11. A lack of subtlety.

I can’t believe no one else has said this but, bridal magazines.

12. Mr. Hansen.

If I get into the kitchen and find Chris Hansen waiting, that’s usually a deal-breaker.

13. Would you rather girls just shaved their heads?

Hair EVERYWHERE.

14. Just reading this makes me nauseous.

“Live, laugh, love.” Painted in bold, black, cursive lettering on the wall. How original of you.

15. Super high expectations.

One of my ex’s single friends had a list that she kept on her bedside table.

What was on the list might you ask?

It was a list titled “The Man I Deserve” and it contained 40 unrealistic, prince-charming type adjectives that described the type of man that she 100% believed she deserved. Also, it was written in colored marker with roughly 10 different colors. This chick was 28 years old too.

16. Blatantly unlearned.

People keep mentioning certain books that would turn a guy off. Personally, I’d be looking for a mode of egress when it becomes obvious she has no books.

17. A roommate that won’t go away.

I’ve had really bad experiences with girlfriends/girls that have annoying/intrusive roommates. Always knocking on the door for something that is unimportant when they know we’re having sexy time. Accusing me randomly of doing things like using their toothbrush (yeah the fuck right, that’s gross) or eating their food/drinking their beer. Wtf bitch I have been here 5 minutes and spent it in the room with the girl.

18. Girls at least try to be discreet okay?

Went to a girl-I-was-interested-in’s apartment a few months ago. I was leaving and offered to take out the trash. She took it out of the bin and left it for me to tie up. There was a used condom (not mine) lying on top of everything else.
I just said “eww” and left. She sent me an apology text shortly afterwards.

19. Can’t say I blame you.

Jesus statues. Note the plural. While I’m an atheist, I have no problem dating religious girls. But nothing good has ever come from filling your house with those little ceramic figures. Especially if she turns them around before having sex.

20. When their reading consists of “Celebs! They’re just like us!”

No books but celebrity-centric magazines everywhere.

I’m done.

21. Again, ladies, try to at least be subtle.

Empty three-pack of pregnancy tests at the top of the trash.

22. Okay now these guys are starting to ask for too much.

Used tampons sitting on top of the garbage.

23. But isn’t that what litter boxes are…for?

One time this girl had a litter box filled with poo and I decided in my mind, right then and there, that was it.

24. Well it’s definitely not a GOOD sign.

Sex and the City posters. Though not a deal breaker, it puts me on guard that you might be really materialistic.

25. Bieber.

I slept with a girl who had a giant life-size poster on her wall of Bieber. He was facing me the entire time.

This was his face.

ಠ_ಠ

26. You mean you don’t want her to heal you?

Crystals. New age or “spiritual” books. Just stop that right now.

27. Duly noted.

The smell of perfume, air freshener, fragrance oils, whatever ungodly concoction of scents you use to cover the smell of whatever ungodly shit it is you’re hiding. When I open your door and a wave of chemicals so thick I can nearly see it washes over me and causes my eyes to water, sears my throat, and gives me a headache so bad that I consider getting checked for a brain tumor, I’m out.

28. A “sex calendar”??

I was helping a friend of mine move out of her apartment back in college.
Her roommate had a big sex calendar on the wall. Names of the guys, what they did.

Fucking… really?

29. Well now that’s just gross.

Skid marks. Skid marks, skid marks and skidmarks.

30. Pretty sure girls are not trying to impress YOU with their throw pillows.

It takes a LOT for me to decide that I’m not going to fuck you. A lot.

But I cannot climb into your bed until you do something with the 20 THROW PILLOWS! Seriously, what the fuck?

You can’t sleep on a bed with 20 throw pillows, so you have to move them – where? I dunno, I just start throwing them on the floor. Then I get griped at.

Just get rid of the fucking pillows. No one is impressed.

31. True…

Pentagrams written in blood always kill the mood for me.

32. Yeah, that’s a deal-breaker.

In bed with a woman, at her place. Rolled over and discovered a dry cat turd in the bed.

33. Maybe this guy should stop trying to date real housewives. IDK though — just a thought.

“Hi, come in! I’m not done getting ready; but here, take my chihuahua and hold him for 45 minutes while I finish up. We are gonna have so.much.fun.”

And that’s how I died.

34. LOL.

IPod on shuffle and 1 out of every 3 songs is a track from a Dane Cook stand up CD.

35. I really hope this was a rare case.

Baby clothes when she’s never had any kids. I knew a girl who started buying baby clothes right after high school. Had a huge hope chest full just waiting for the lucky sperm.

36. Anything that screams “I Want My Daddy.”

Stuffed animals on the bed, I’m not a goddamn pedophile. One with some nostalgia is the absolute limit. I can’t stand when half the bed is covered with them and a bunch of worthless god damn pillows. I don’t want to have to kick them out of bed and I definitely don’t want a stuffed nemo watching us get busy.