1. Stalk their life schedule and ‘coincidentally’ run into them. Make things happen by accident on purpose. If you know via one of the 2,437 active social networks that they’re currently at the coffee shop a few blocks away, maybe you suddenly crave a cup of Joe yourself. Polish those acting chops so you can turn on the high pitched surprised voice and the wide-eyed, Taylor-Swift-just-won-an-award-and-she-can’t-believe-it expression when you unexpectedly come face to face with your crush. Make the most of what will likely be a brief encounter, as this is a great opportunity to have their full attention and exchange numbers or make plans before parting ways.
2. Befriend one of their friends. Obviously going as far as developing an actual friendship with someone for the sole purpose of knowing somebody else is ludicrous, and has shades of something that would happen in a terrible romantic comedy (one that might even star Ludacris), but it’s a drastic measure that is worth considering taking. Friend approval can be crucial anyway so why not earn it in advance? Then, when your new bestie finally introduces you to your crush, pretend to be occupied on your phone as you glance at them 23% engaged and carelessly say, “Oh, hey, ‘sup?” Just do as little as possible so that the fact that you’ve been anticipating this moment for quite some time isn’t completely evident.
3. Indirect, vague Facebook statuses and Subtweets. You can be TOO obvious with these things so proceed with caution. Think about how blatantly in the open you’d leave a clue if you were a blue dog, and how carefully you’d drop coded hints if you were the Zodiac Killer, then be somewhere in between that. Some quotes and song lyrics fit descriptions far too well, so make sure to choose words that allow the possibility of denial if someone were to guess who those statuses and Tweets are in reference to. OR, what might work even better than that….
4. Share this article on a social network in the hopes that they’ll see it and recognize that it’s referring to them. Pretty much everything I share on Facebook is intended for someone else to see. The funny YouTube video is for those who need to lighten up and develop a sense of humor. The Nas song is for friend who listens to Waka Flocka and needs better music. The borderline condescending joke status about the girl who posts thousands of pictures of her niece is for the girl who posts thousands of pictures of her niece. Almost all of it’s for someone. This is basically you yelling mayday and they may never even hear your distress call but on the off chance they do, you have a shot at being rescued from your current position, stranded on secret admirer island.
5. Don’t do anything. Don’t try to flirt. The less you do, the more you do. You can’t win if you don’t play, but you can’t fail miserably either, and sometimes your overly passive aggressive ways make a person want more of your attention. They’ll wonder why you make an effort to talk to everybody else in the room, minus them. It’s a method that actual pickup artists use and one that you should consider utilizing yourself. Basically follow Paul Rudd’s instructions on how to surf in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but apply them to your crush situation.
6. Continuously glance their way until 2.5+ seconds of solid eye contact are made, then hope that they have the courage to approach you. Sometimes the cause of our passive aggressiveness; a lack of confidence or high levels of self-consciousness, make it virtually impossible to even take that chance and initiate contact. If there’s absolutely no way that you can muster up the courage to put one foot in front of the other, walk up to a person and begin interacting, a glance and a prayer are your best bet. Unfortunately this method takes the situation entirely out of your hands, but you need them to cross your fingers anyway.