Our little forever might be short-lived but I just want you to know… it was best for you. I hope time could do me a favor and tell you the things that I wasn’t able to. I broke you because I cared for you. I was lost in my own demons and I cared about you enough not to drag you down with me. But trust me when I say I loved you.
I loved you… then I hated you.
I loved and hated how good you were to me. My family and friends loved you. You’ve made your way into winning their hearts and left your mark that until now, you’re still the song they sing to kiss me good night. That’s how good you are. I didn’t deserve you so I broke your heart.
I loved and hated our height difference. Those extra inches you have made me feel secure especially when you wrapped your arms around me, while those extra inches made it hard for me to kiss you too. I want to be on the same level with you so you gave me piggyback rides, despite knowing you secretly hated them. I loved that you’ve done things for me but I hated you at the same time because you did those things for me, but not also for you so I broke your heart.
I loved and hated how protective you got. I felt like a million bucks when you shielded me from all the bad things in this world, wiped my tears away and told me that you’re here, but I hated it too because I didn’t get to fight my own battles because of you. You wanted to be my saving grace but I didn’t need to be saved, therefore, I broke your heart.
I loved and hated how we’re nearly cut from the same cloth. We got along with the same things, had the same interests, nearly shared the same circle; we both lived in the same world. Then I hated you because we lived in the same world, I didn’t get to live in a world without you — a world of my own, so I broke your heart.
I love and hated how we’re almost stuck like glue — were quite the tandem, you and I. We were inseparable. You’re always beside me, you’re the only name in my message inbox; you were in my every thought, day or night, especially in the midnight. Then I hated you… I hate you because I forgot who I am. I forgot who am I without your name in the equation: You and me. Me and you. With that, I broke your heart.
I loved and hated how I thought we were alike, you and I. On how I used to believe in fairytales — it’s part of your magic dust. You gave me something my reality cannot afford and I’m thankful for that. Then I hated you. I hated you because one day I woke up and reality reigned in:
We were never alike, you and I.
I’ve left with no choice but to break your heart. I broke our heart because I cannot keep up with the lie that we’re the same, you and I. I’d rather hurt you like that than hurt you by staying with you and we both end up miserable. Just that one time, let me give you your own fairytale to live — one without me.
While I continued to love and hate you, I ended up loving and hating myself too. I loved myself for being true to you and hated me for being true to myself. I might be 4 years late in telling you the most important thing I loved and hated about me, but I hope my words are enough to let you know that:
“I loved me the most because when I broke your heart, you learned to love yourself more. Now you’re happy. Now I am happy. And I hated myself the most because… 4 years ago, I wasn’t able to learn how to love the things I hated you for.”