I’m gonna venture to guess that if you are reading this it’s because you love Disney. Or maybe it’s because this type of article is basically the written equivalent of a Buzzfeed Quiz, in which case you’ve fallen right into my click-bait trap (insert evil chuckle and moustache twirl here). Regardless of why you’re here, it can’t be denied that Disney and, by further extension, Disney Princesses are a massive part of our culture and, as a result, it comes as no surprise that we Disney Princess lovers choose to model aspects of ourselves off the lovely ladies of our childhoods and beyond or like to think that we, in some way, emulate a little bit of that magic in our own life. Yeah. No.
I’m here to set the record straight (seeing as NONE of us were born with the flawless hair and easy femininity of Disney Princesses). The Internet quizzes have been lying to you. Here’s what your favorite Disney Princess ACTUALLY says about you.
You’re a total Disney hipster (and probably a total hipster, in general). You can often be found waxing poetic about the “Golden Age” when Walt Disney was running things. You believe that, because you enjoy classic films, that you are somehow a better person/bigger fan than the common rabble and their “Frozen” obsession. You channel your Snow White-dom by thrift shopping and wearing flapper dresses sincerely. Classy hipster.
Your lack of creativity is sad and you should be sad.
You subscribe to the classic ideas of femininity. You believe that flowing blonde locks, a slender figure, and a coy demeanor are the secrets to happiness. You probably went to college with the sole intention of earning your MRS. with a Pre-Med and you are not ashamed to admit it. You and your friends are, like, so pretty. Like, so pretty. You’re already looking forward to your life sentence as trophy wife and all the dye jobs and breast augmentations that come with it. Your favorite designer is, like, Michael Kors.
You own more than one flower crown and at least one Native American headdress (and, no, you don’t see what’s wrong with that). You like to think of yourself as a total rebel because you made out with three different guys that one night at SXSW. All of your Facebook friends hate you because you #mermaid all of your selfies because you and every other 20-something bitch are currently obsessed with mermaids (seriously, what is the deal with that?). Alternatively, you are an adult that is still at the same level of mental development as a seven year old.
You consider yourself an intellectual. You pride yourself on always having read the book before seeing the movie (and the book was always better). You wear your glasses with pride and spend a lot of time trying to make it look like you didn’t put much effort into your appearance, although we both know that you redid that slick bun at least four times before leaving the house. You roll your eyes when your friends gush over “Say Yes to the Dress”, but you’ve secretly been maintaining your own Pinterest wedding board for over three years. You frequently Google literary quotes to plaster over your social media and you have, on several occasions, incorrectly quoted Gandhi in casual conversation (but you fake it ‘til you make it). You will cut a bitch if anyone dares to suggest the possibility that your favorite princess had Stockholm syndrome.
You are one fierce bitch. You are an expert at underhanded insults and snide remarks. You can deliver the most soul-crushing comments with a smile plastered to your face. You are constantly picking up and tossing aside men and have been known to decimate entire families by casually flitting from one brother to the next. Nothing is off limits for you. To be honest, you’ve never seen “Aladdin” but Jasmine is your go to Halloween costume (can you say, midriff!)
You are actually an intellectual. In fact, you’ve probably got your shit pretty well together. You spend your weekends hiking with your significant other and your rescue dog. You majored in History, Gender Studies, and Political Science, but you don’t like to brag and you never engage in pointless debate. You probably do things with your spare time like volunteering or playing the panpipes. People stalk your Instagram for your incredible landscape shots.
You’re a tomboy who really couldn’t care less about Disney Princesses. Mulan’s ass kicking, non-romantic ending was just what you needed and you are so pissed that Mulan and Shang got married in the sequel (not that you saw it). You are a master of all the sports and your go to outfit is simply Under Armour. You aren’t the type to host dinner parties because all you know how to “cook” is hard-boiled eggs and protein shakes.
You are one of the few that truly believes a woman can have it all. You are just as family-oriented as you are career driven. You put 100% of yourself into all that you do… Nah, I’m just kidding. You only THINK this is possible and are probably trying to attain an impossible goal, in which case you are one exhausted motherfucker.
You’re quirky. Or, at least, you think you’re quirky. You find yourself to be adorable and slightly dorky (not actually dorky, but dorky in the cutesy way that some girls like to claim to be). You like to think of yourself as a #nerd and totally bought fake glasses. You’re immature, but think it’s endearing; yet, you don’t understand why you haven’t been able to hold down an adult relationship.
You are a Tumblr feminist. Your various social media outlets are covered in poorly written anti-man rants written by other Tumblr activists, just like you. You post long-winded, whiny comments on just about every piece of content you view and, should someone disagree with you, you are not shy about playing the “I’m a woman and you’re oppressing me” card. Typically, you would deny every watching Disney films, because extreme feminism and all that, but you feel like “Brave” is sort of a freebie. Just make sure that none of your extremist friends ever find your Belle/Beast fanfiction.
You’re just as basic as everyone else and that drives you crazy. You want to pretend that you’re so above the trends, but the truth is, you love “Frozen”, Starbucks, and shit with that chevron pattern on it just as much as anyone else.
It’s 2014. Everyone loves Elsa.
(I know she’s not a princess, but she was technically part of the lineup) Tinkerbell is the unofficial mascot of white trash bitches everywhere. You might be a redneck if you identify with one of the following: You own a pair of Tinkerbell booty shorts, you own a XXXXXL Tinkerbell t-shirt, you have a Tinkerbell tramp stamp/back piece/ tit tat, or Tinkerbell served as the topper on your wedding cake.