Thought Catalog

25 Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh The Next Time You Go Out With Your Friends

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Found at r/jokes.
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1. Two priests are out driving one day…

…when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters”

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—

“Alright officer, we’ll do it”

2. An old couple are vacationing in Israel…

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”

The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her.”

3. After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads “Hamburger: $5,” the second reads “Cheeseburger: $6,” and the third reads “Handjob: $10.” As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, “What can I do for you, hon?”

“Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” asked the trucker.

“Why yes,” answered the woman with a knowing smile. “Yes I am.”

“Well then go wash your fucking hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”

4. A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van,” says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.

“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

5. Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty…

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says “I need to get this cleaned” to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies “come again?” Lindsay responds “No, mustard.”

6. Beethoven’s death

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

7. My wife asked me what I was doing today…

…I said “nothing.”

She said, “You did that yesterday.”

I replied, “I wasn’t finished.”

8. What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

9. Kennedy’s USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, “The Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot.” The man was immediately arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison. 3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

10. Michelle

On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend’s costume party in the nude carrying a woman on his back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, “What are you supposed to be?!”

The man says, “I’m a snail.”

With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, “Well, who is she?”

The man answers, “Michelle.”

11. My grandma emailed me this one.

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

12. An Irishman Walks Out Of A Bar

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 12.54.59 PM

13. Yo momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation.

14. A man takes a woman out for dinner…

…but she didn’t speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can’t figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

15. A teenager sits next to an old man on a bench…

… and the old man will not stop staring at him. The kid had a long, spiky mohawk that was different colors. His arms and neck were covered in tattoos, and multiple piercings in his nostrils and ears.

Finally, the kid, sick of the old man staring at him says, “What’s the matter old man? Ain’t you never done anything crazy in your life?”

Without missing a beat the old man replies, “When I was young I got drunk and had sex with a peacock once – I was wondering if you were my son.”

16. Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker…

Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.

Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. “Tell me your troubles my children.”

“Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury I suffered years ago,” the first man says.

“Be healed, child,” Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.

“Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function,” the second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. The man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.

The union worker, seeing this, shouts “Don’t touch me! I’m on permanent disability!”

17. What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?

It’s either Sunni or Shiite.

18. A boy said, “Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until after he is married.”

His dad replied, “That is true in all countries.”

19. A team of scientists have invented a pill for sufferers of Alzheimer’s to take daily.

They didn’t think that through did they?

20. During a fight, the husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!”

“Oh yeah?” retorts the wife. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'”

21. How do you get a fly out of the kitchen?

Shit in the living room.

22. What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

23. A little boy went running into his grandfather’s hospital room.

Excited, he shrieked, “Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!”

The grandpa replies, “Why?”

Still excited, the little boy replies, “Because Grandma says that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!”

24. Johnny Plays Doctor With Mary

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”

“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

25. How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow?

He looks for fresh prints. TC mark

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