The Giver

Like some gift of fate from the doe-eyed gods above us all, The Giver magically appears in one’s life and proceeds to break down all preconceived notions regarding intimacy and relationship roles. The Giver is a girl that shows more sexual stamina, interest, and participation than any girl her partner’s ever been with; she takes the task of pleasing her partner by its shoulders, looks it in the eyes, grins, says “I can do this,” and feels excited to do so. And she does do it, sweetly, over and over again, more than her partner would have ever imagined humanly possible, and for a time, the partner exists in a dazed state of emotional and sexual bliss. Apart from the partner’s own standards of fairness or relationship justice, no repayment of any kind is expected or even necessary. Obviously, then, the Giver can most often be observed in acts such as undressing for yet another round of sex, making her partner a lunch that s/he can take to the coffee shop where s/he works, going down on her partner for the second time today, or making sure her partner has the most comfortable pillow. It is as yet unknown why The Giver maintains such a selfless and generous relationship role, but it can be surmised that her worldview is one that dictates the role of girlfriend as one who provides and maintains – as would a mother. Or, The Giver is simply turned on by it.

• Most likely to be spotted at: In bed with her partner
• Favorite drink: Anything non-alcoholic (she wants her partner to have fun tonight)
• Favorite website: New age blogs that cover healthy food, Yoga, meditation, etc.

The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend

Reminiscent of Winona Ryder à la Girl Interrupted, the Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is inconsolably dark, constantly wrapped up in doom-laden thoughts of the future, her relationships with her friends and family, and work/ school. The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is more or less an abusive/ exploitative being, and this is most transparently evidenced by the fact that while she’s basically up against the same world and the same problems as everyone else in the Western World, she, for some reason, makes a huge, whiny deal about how she “can’t handle” them, and clings to her partner – using her or him, in a sense – as if s/he were a life raft. The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is most likely to be cherished by her partner for some spark of brilliance to which they were once witness, which – in vein, most of the time – the partner is most likely to spend most of his or her time seeking. All the while, the Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is sucking the life out of the partner, using him or her as a crutch for her own insecurities and reliance on maladaptive coping mechanisms. Consequently, we are most likely to see her partner at social events, alone, yet on the phone with the Needy and Depressed girlfriend, assuring her that things are okay, that everything will be fine, and that – don’t worry – s/he’ll be home soon.

• Most likely to be spotted at: Buried into her partner’s shoulder
• Favorite drink: Whatever she can spike with Valium or Ambien
• Favorite website: Facebook, where she can pine over old friends with whom she’s not in contact anymore

The Girlfriend You Can’t Have

The Girlfriend You Can’t Have is in a relationship with someone that is not you, and her partner has no idea how special she really is. The Girlfriend You Can’t Have is beautiful, and no one except you knows the extent of her beauty and uniqueness. You have known the Girlfriend You Can’t Have for quite some time, now, and – respectful of her relationship with the guy/girl you secretly think is an idiot (or the guy/girl that just so happens to be your best friend) – you’ve watched her silently, sage-like. Both her sweetness and intellect are terrifying and irresistable at the same time, and every time you see her smile, you melt. You kissed the Girlfriend You Can’t Have, once, in the bathroom of your friend’s house party. She was drunk, and so were you, and it was one of the sweetest kisses you’ve ever had. You haven’t spoken about it since, and you probably won’t, ever. The world can sometimes stack its deck against potential lovers, such that potential lovers, unfortunately, accept defeat as a matter of course.

• Most likely to be spotted at: A house party, from a distance, holding her partner’s hand, laughing that way she does
• Favorite drink: Whatever you think is the most adorable thing someone can be into drinking
• Favorite website: She’s not really into the internet (this is part of how special she is)