He feels like everything you want, your passion for each other burns you up and consumes you but the truth is that boy is no good for you.
He’s never been good for you but you’ve never been able to see that because he’s always blinded you by his dominating personality and charismatic charm. You’ve ignored all the red flags that have been so apparent to everyone else for so long and as much as everyone tells you that you should walk away part of you is convinced that it’ll be better to be with him that without him because when you are apart your world feels like it’s collapsing.
You’d rather be with him than deal with the heartbreak of being alone. When you’re thinking about moving on you convince yourself it will be easier just to go backward instead of moving forward because forward is lonely, it’s scary, it’s hard and it’s confusing. But backwards – back to him – is familiar, it’s comfortable, it’s what you’ve known for so long.
So you go back.
You always get back with him and jump back into the chaotic life you had together because at least you know that the fights come and go, at least you know there will be some good days to go with the bad. Your highs are filled with burning passion but your lows are the lowest of lows. You bring out the absolute best and worst in each other and you turn yourselves into the ugliest versions you can be.
You’ve become used to the pain and you’ve convinced yourself it’s better to be with him than it is to be alone.
You tear yourself down to build him up, you believe everything is your fault, you start apologizing for doing nothing wrong. You start caring way too much and accepting way less than you deserve from him.
It becomes unhealthy as fast as it was good and you know you should leave, but you don’t want to put yourself through that pain of being alone.
But you should.
You should be alone, truly alone, without him in your life at all. Put the phone down, don’t text him, don’t stalk him on social media, don’t answer if he calls. It’s time to let go for real because there is a guy out there who wants to give you the good times without the bad. There is someone who will love you without degrading you and making you feel worthless. There is someone out there who will love you in a non-toxic way.
I know it’s hard to think into the future and to picture yourself loving someone else because you love him so much you’re killing yourself over him but toxic love isn’t true love. You can love each other with all your heart but the pain you cause each other from loving so deeply isn’t healthy – it’s painful and poisonous, and it will rip your world apart.
The control, the confusion, the endless disappointment is not what love should feel like. It’s time to stop giving him chances because every time you give him a chance you come back with your heart broken a little bit more by him.
That boy will destroy your heart if you let him.
He’s quicksand and he keeps dragging you down further and further because you keep going back to him.
Your heart keeps aching and love shouldn’t do that to you. Love should build you up, not tear you down. Love should fill you, not drain you. Love should make you feel alive, not suffocate you. Love should make you want to be a better person, not constantly make you tear yourself apart.
Toxic love is not real love and you’ve spent so long convincing yourself it is.
Leaving is hard but it won’t get any easier and you’ll never feel ‘ready.’ It’s time to stop feeding your heart to him only to have him spit it back in your face. You deserve more than a toxic love and you will only find it once you learn how to let go for good.
Don’t go back this time around. Don’t jump back into his arms like you’ve done so many times before. You know that tiny little voice in your head that you keep silencing? It’s time to listen to it, it’s time to do what you should have done so many times ago and walk away for good.
The pain of your heartbreak will hurt but your heart is not made of glass, the broken pieces will heal and you will come back stronger.
Don’t treat your leaving like a tragedy because it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. It will lead you to new love, new beginnings, new chaotic magic. It will cause you pain but you can’t let the pain break you, instead let it build you. Let it shape you and change you to lead you to a new direction in your life.
Remember, you don’t need him – you never did. You’ll be so much better off on your own.