It’s been months since I’ve seen you last and I was convinced you were what was missing from my life. I convinced myself that I couldn’t live without you, that I’d never be happy again until I was reunited with you, but going back made me realize something I’ve known for a while but have never been able to admit to myself.
I finally realized just how toxic and suffocating you are in my life.
I get so wrapped up in love and the idea of love that often times I forget just how good or bad something can be for me. I think that it’s right, and that just because it makes me feel good that means it’s all okay. But it’s not.
It’s not okay that I left feeling full of regrets, feeling less than when I arrived to you, feeling empty because as much as I want to be with you constantly, going back to you made me realize how damaging our relationship is.
It made me realize that what we had worked for so long, but even through all those years I failed to notice you’ve always made me feel this way. You were always bad for me but I just became completely intoxicated by you. You made me forget my morals, my values, how to be strong on my own because being around you makes me weak. It makes me do things I’m not necessarily proud of because being around you makes me feel alive. It makes me hate myself – and love shouldn’t make you feel that way.
But I never noticed it at the time, I blocked it out and always blamed it on anything other than you.
I enjoyed every wild moment, every drunk mistake, every time I let myself go completely because all I was concerned about in those moments was being there with you. I never wanted to be apart, I never wanted to live without you because I never thought I could enjoy life without you. I wanted to stay there; stay in those moments of comfort with you because it made me feel safe.
In all those blissful moments I forgot how damaging you were to me because in those moments I never wanted anything more than I wanted to be there, with you.
I thought going back to you would help, I thought it would remind me just how much I love you and it would make me want to stay. But I was wrong. I loved you when I got there – and I still do – but now I’m not so sure that it’s healthy because when I drove away and left you this time I didn’t feel the same heartbreak I felt the first time. I didn’t feel the same sadness and regret of walking away. This time I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back to you again.
Instead, this time I felt empty, I felt hopeless and like I’ve completely lost myself because that’s what you do to me. You completely intoxicate me and you turn me into someone I’m not, someone I don’t know anymore. And it breaks my heart to come to this realization because I love you more than you’ll ever know, but you’re not good for me.
I learned that I can love you with my whole heart in a way that I’ve never loved anyone or anything else but that doesn’t mean we are good for each other; it doesn’t mean we’ll end up together because sometimes you don’t end up with the love of your life, and that’s okay.
I love to love things that are bad for me because they make me feel alive, but at a certain point I need to walk away from what I really want in the moment and start walking towards something that’s good for me in the long run.
I don’t know how I’ll do it without you, but all I know is I need to try because I can’t keep going back to you. I’m no longer good for you and you’re definitely not good for me.